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To think you can have plenty of friends and still be lonely?

(24 Posts)
tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 14:07:24

I have a reasonably active social life - hobbies and work and some volunteering but I still get very lonely.

Am I the only one? As soon as you say you are lonely people start talking about making friends.

I'm dreading Christmas a bit. I'm just saying this on here because I can't in RL smile

formerbabe Sun 16-Oct-16 14:42:10

Yes of course you can be lonely and loneliness is really tough flowers.

tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 14:51:41

Thanks. I've noticed the irony of only one reply grin

Helpisathand13 Sun 16-Oct-16 14:55:21

I get you. I have lots of family and friends but she DS is at his dads I can spend 2/3 days alone. Many times I have things to do to fill my time, watch tv, catch up with stuff and socialise but sometimes it is just me. At those times the days are long and I get the feeling of isolation or loneliness so I emphasis completely.

Helpisathand13 Sun 16-Oct-16 14:56:15

*she should be sometimes

couldntlovethebearmore Sun 16-Oct-16 14:58:33

ive got lots of friends but they are total let downs so I feel very lonely and have a non existant social life

tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 15:01:01

That must be really hard for you, Help. I feel for people in that situation.

Woollymammoth63 Sun 16-Oct-16 15:11:10

Hi tartan. I have quite a big family, but a not very supportive partner, and although I have friends I don't always want to tell them everything.. I have had quite a few bereavements and other things happen to me. Even when I am busy with family and meeting friends, I often feel lonely I am never too sure why. I wonder if it comes from childhood.. I had loads of friends but my elder brothers were the same age and did everything together and I was often on my own.. Maybe it's that? Did you have siblings?

tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 15:11:41

I've got one brother, yes smile

Woollymammoth63 Sun 16-Oct-16 15:14:17

I feel I often make an effort with people..sometimes I'm too tired to make that effort . Is it that? I always feel friends are passing through.

BestZebbie Sun 16-Oct-16 15:17:14

Do you have friends, or just acquaintances?

e.g.: you might mention ongoing events in your personal life during a chat whilst volunteering with your acquaintance, but could you phone them at home on a different day of the week to ask their advice or practical help with something personal?

If you don't actually have many friends, then it is unsurprising that you feel lonely - if anything, in that situation, spending time with people you aren't actually close to can rub it in.

tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 15:19:14

I've got plenty of friends - this is what I mean. People often assume loneliness = no friends. When the truth is you can have plenty of friends but organising things so that you have company for a decent amount of time every weekend and holiday can be tricky.

Sciurus83 Sun 16-Oct-16 15:22:48

I have lots of friends but have moved to two different cities where I know no one in the last 4 years because of DH's job. All my friends live more than three hours away. We are having a weekend together soon which I can't wait for, but I miss having people I can just go for a drink with or have a chat. Every day stuff. I get pretty lonely too x

Helpisathand13 Sun 16-Oct-16 15:25:56

Totally agree. Most of my friends as couples and are absolutely lovely and very supportive. But I do have spells of hours or days when it is just me and I may reach out in text but despite sending messages to 8-10 great pals they are all busy with own stuff. Can give me that feeling of it is just me. Of course I busy self in other ways but miss also the chat of DS, the laughter with friends, closeness of a partner and contact with family.

tartanpjsandtea Sun 16-Oct-16 15:27:32

That nicely summarises how I feel, Help

YuckYuckEwwww Sun 16-Oct-16 15:33:31

I have lots of friends, friends for whom I'ld say Im in their "inner circle" - top 5/10. Would be invited to their hens and full day invites if they were to get married (again), am on their text list for when they have babies - don't just hear through Facebook. They rally when something bad happens to me..

They're real friends not aquaintances

I am SO lonely. I'm lonely because I'm nobody's "best friend", and although my friends have been there for me for years, they mostly all have their own best friends, so although I know they're there for me, I don't feel I can "bother" them daily with little things IYKWIM, because they don't do it back because they have their own besties who they do that with.

Does that make any sense?

Like if you see something funny or annoying at work, that sort of thing, nothing major, my friends are there for the big important things, but just the little things you wanna share with someone else.. I don't have that

Helpisathand13 Sun 16-Oct-16 15:35:21

Sounds like we in a similar situation tartan. I completely understand your point.

CreepyClown Sun 16-Oct-16 16:40:35

yes op i get you I get lonely a lot but if i wanted to could go out to a club or bar with people

FlabulousChic Sun 16-Oct-16 16:43:18

I have no friends and no social life yet I am never lonely. I like the solitude

Foxyloxy1plus1 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:02:55

I have acquaintances and good neighbours, but no real friends anywhere near. DH works and all other local people are couples, so it's very lonely during the day, especially when the weather is bad and it's difficult to get out.
I would like to join a gym, do Pilates, learn flower arranging, go to places I'd interest, but my budget is very strict and won't stretch to regular fees. I try to go for a walk, weather permitting and I do some volunteering, which I may have to give up because it costs me money in fuel and there are no expenses.

BestZebbie Sun 16-Oct-16 22:48:29

Foxyloxy1plus1: You have probably already tried this, but YouTube will have tutorial videos on both Pilates and flower arranging. I appreciate that to arrange flowers you need to own flowers (and fancy sticks and ribbons and oasis etc) but you can do Pilates in your house with a CD.

TheStoic Mon 17-Oct-16 00:15:06

Loneliness is about the quality of relationships, not quantity. One real, authentic connection beats a hundred more superficial ones. That's why we can still feel lonely in a group of people.

Rather than 'getting out and making friends' as many well-being people advise (which, ironically, makes many people actually feel worse) - it's better to work on making one relationship (or two) closer and more genuine.

StrawberryLime Mon 17-Oct-16 01:58:19

I'm of the opinion loneliness is a state of mind. Seriously. You can have hundreds of friends, or a select circle, or just a few. Or maybe none.
If you're not comfortable in your own skin though, and being with yourself and doing things by yourself, you're going to have a harder time than those who can go out and do things and meet people with no-one else to ask first or otherwise they won't go and will sit in instead.
If you don't have anyone, go out, meet new people. whether it be through a course of Spanish/Pottery/Flower Arranging/Whatever. Get down the pub with your kindle and a pint. smile Companionship can come if you get yourself out there.

StrawberryLime Mon 17-Oct-16 02:02:33

Just realised you do get out there and have hobbies, sorry. I still think loneliness is a state of mind. No, we don't all have close friends on hand to go out with/talk to but getting out there is key. That's the way friendships form.
Slowly, sometimes very slowly, but surely. smile

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