AIBU to ask how you make life changing decisions.

[Squiffy01]

Hi All,

Just the title really I have no idea how to go about making a decision that will change our lives hugely. There are pros but just as many cons.

DP and I have been married a few years now and in the next few years would like to have children but we don't know where to live.
We are currently in the Uk but both from different cities else where. DP is adumant he doesn't want to raise children here, I don't see a problem with raising them here apart from having no family around.
I'm so worried about moving. I moved here as I wanted happy, have been here for years and years. I find it very difficult to make friends and surprisingly have a great group of friends here which I can't imagine not being around. I have a couple f friends at home and obviously none in DPs country.
We both have decent enough paying jobs here if we have kids here I would take a pay cut but am fairly confident of work (self employed) other places job not as in demand so would take a substantial pay cut and not confident would get work in chosen field but could change jobs to similar one which I don't enjoy as much but would at least be reliable work.
I hate the idea of children growing up with no grandparents, cousins, aunties uncles etc.
DP says if we don't like it we can just move back - I don't think it's that simple.
I don't know what to do. So please talk me through how you all make huge life choices.
Thanks

[YellowCrocus]

This is brill:

www.freewaregenius.com/make-better-decisions-with-decision-making-tool-an-excel-based-quantitative-scoring-template/

[buddhasbelly]

Hi OP sorry am shamelessly place marking to keep that link from yellowcrocus

I can only give you my experience as no practical advice - I had to make the decision of moving with dd or staying where I am with a steady job and my parents nearby vs moving to an area v far from family but much better job prospects.

I chose to stay and have found the help from my parents to be invaluable, however I'm a single parent and i had v bad pnd. From having their support though, I have had the time to develop a business plan for my own business which my current director of business at my p/t work has said would be a goer as this area, being less developed than eg the city, doesn't not currently have the business I'm proposing on offer. If I had moves I most certainly wouldn't be able to have done any of this.

Good luck OP, I hope someone else can come along for better advice!

[buddhasbelly]

Oh and thanks yellowcrocus!

[Canters15]

It's really difficult. All you can do is weigh up the pros and cons of each decision. Might be worth doing the old coin flip as well if you can't decide where your heart is.

When a decision is really hard to make, it's sometimes because neither option is a bad one- so you can't lose either way. Might be worth looking at worst and best case scenario with each option too- do you stand to potentially gain much more then you will lose, or vice versa?

We've had to decide something similar- dh has had a fab job offer overseas to start when our first baby will be 2 months old. It was particularly hard as we have no idea what parenthood will be like so felt like we were dealing with a lot of unknown quantities. We've decided to take it on the basis that we'd rather regret having tried it then having not tried it, and we'll come back if we hate it. However we have limited support locally and I think if we were properly settled in our current location I'd have found it much harder to justify moving.

I'd also say that when considering a big move you might want to think about benefits other then those concerning hypothetical children- it has to be the right thing for you too. For us we had financial gain, travel opportunities and for me to have a career break and rethink my future direction.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[YellowCrocus]

No problem Buddahsbelly!

[Squiffy01]

Thanks so much for your replies! Will check out the link.
And see I don't even know if thinking of children when we don't have any is silly.
The big things that moving would change for me is no friends, but hopefully I would eventually make new ones. A huge pay cut for me and one for DP although the not as big and much less opportunity to travel. But we have learnt recently just how far away it really is when everything isn't right and have spent ridiculous sums of money going back and forth.