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to wash hands with family member?

(21 Posts)
lemondropcake Fri 14-Oct-16 13:19:00

My relative has always had her problems, drug abuse been the main factor in her attitude and the way she lives her life. She is in her late 30s now and hasn't worked from the age of 19. She is over her addiction so she says but she does have a drink problem. She has a young dd, the father in prison. She loves her to bits but she drinks every night and probably does other drugs too, have no idea what!
her father passed away and he was all she really had. She hasn't dealt with it well at all and the drinking has got worse.
As a family we have invited her to days out to include her more and get her out the house. She shows up hours late to days out and she was over an hour late for a lunch date we organised for her, cooked a big meal and it all sat there cold. She had eaten lunch and hardly touched it.
She has deleted us off facebook, second time in a row now. She posts some disgusting status's when she is drunk and I suspect that's why she has deleted us all.
She goes through periods where she 'disowns' us all and has nothing to do with us then apologises but within a few weeks it starts over again.

I am sick of trying to do the right thing and don't know if I should keep chasing her or just leave her be. I know she is grieving and needs support but she doesn't want it and if you offer it, she always seems to think there is some hidden agenda. She is constantly paranoid.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 14-Oct-16 13:24:43

Lemon, I would be more concerned for her daughter. How old is she ?

kilmuir Fri 14-Oct-16 13:27:08

My first thoughts too. Who cares for the child?

lemondropcake Fri 14-Oct-16 13:40:36

She is five. We are concerned and social services were once involved but not any more. If they were involved again I think it would push her over the edge! The child is very much loved and cared for but she does drink when shes in bed. They are joint at the hip so she doesn't get much interaction with other children other than at school. That's why we wanted to include her as well, so her child could mix with ours. She was quite badly behaved and a bit of a handful but I suppose that's normal for some children at that age.
I am surprised she hasn't been reported already as she is very open about her drinking on facebook. I was shocked that there was a picture of her at a camping trip with the daughter, in the background was fruitshoots, vodka and a stereo. Its an awful situation.
I have no concerns about neglect but I am concerned about the drinking and god knows what else - purely speculation there though, from the pictures on facebook it does look like shes on something!

Sugarpiehoneyeye Fri 14-Oct-16 13:57:06

You say they are joined at the hip, but it doesn't sound healthy, does it.
She is only a little girl, her childhood is being blighted.
She wouldn't necessarily, be taken away from her Mother, but it may wake your Relative up, and instill some parental responsibility in her, if she was supported and monitored.
Don't sit on the fence Lemon, speak with the family, action is needed.

lemondropcake Fri 14-Oct-16 14:13:56

Its not a healthy set up and its not a childhood. Dad locked up in prison - soon to be released but there was violence in the relationship between him and the mother. I think she will take him back and it will start all over again.
Her grandfather died of a terminal illness, he was fantastic with her and really cared about her. I feel if I went to social services he would be turning in his grave. I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
I think she uses the child as a 'friend' because she has no one else. I once saw the child slap the mother over the legs because she didn't get what she wanted and almost feel the mother is scared of the child.

Its not healthy at all, I can't see a time when it ever will be. Her mother is struck with grief, drinking at every spare moment, shouting abuse all over facebook about her life and her past. The child gets to go to the park but not much else and the only time she did do something with her was when they went camping and again, drink involved, loud music.
Its messed up and to be honest I'm scared of the mother too, she is so paranoid she falls out with you over the slightest thing.

mycatstares Fri 14-Oct-16 14:16:30

Ring social services.

My dp grew up with an alcoholic mother it's no childhood at all. Unfortunately when social services became involved with his family the kids were all teenagers and social didn't do much because of their age.

Do it while the daughter is young and social services will act if needed.

TeaPleaseLouise Fri 14-Oct-16 14:17:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mycatstares Fri 14-Oct-16 14:22:47

Dps mum loved all her kids when they were young. As soon as they got to the age of 8-10 she turned on them. Very emotionally abusive to them and once they got to teenage years she started being physically abusive too.

Please ring them.

lemondropcake Fri 14-Oct-16 14:24:42

Yep, I see your point teaplease.

She doesn't drink during the day and gets the child to school everyday, drives and functions normally but its at night, she changes into a different person. She does suffer anxiety and has mental health issues as well. When the father is released I think things could get a lot worse. She says she wont take him back but she is vulnerable and has no one else, lonely etc so I think she will go straight back!
I will speak to my social worker friend and see what I can do. I'd be terrified in case the mother came looking for me though.

Shockers Fri 14-Oct-16 14:31:56

She would be offered a lot of support before a decision to remove her daughter was taken.

This little girl needs help and so does her mum.

LagunaBubbles Fri 14-Oct-16 14:39:05

I have no concerns about neglect

Everything you have suggests sounds neglect to me, how can you say this. Neglect includes a childs emotional and psychological well being, which is most definitely being neglected. This needs to be reported.

babyboomersrock Fri 14-Oct-16 14:47:32

She doesn't drink during the day and gets the child to school everyday, drives and functions normally but its at night, she changes into a different person

So it's very likely she's driving with alcohol/whatever in her system? Not only her dc at risk, in that case.

user1471531273 Fri 14-Oct-16 14:48:01

It sounds like she needs some support from social services. None of this reads as severe enough to remove her daughter.

However she does need some intervention and help.

Social services don't remove children willy nilly. It has to be pretty serious.

Benedikte2 Fri 14-Oct-16 14:56:21

I agree with Laguna. This child is being forced to be a carer for her mother.
The welfare of a child Is paramount-- so often people worry about how the parent/s will react if SS intervenes but that is beside the point. The child doesn't get a second chance at childhood and sounds to be suffering already -- and how can mother even meet her daughter's physical needs if she is spending so much on alcohol? How many times has she failed to turn up to social events at the school? Does she bring drinking friends home? The fact that the wee girl is badly behaved is probably because there is a lack of boundaries and consistency -- mum will react differently according to whether she is drunk or sober.
If SS intervene your relative will be forced to reconsider her life choices and either get to grips with her addiction or lose her daughter. Help is available to her. The abusive father is another issue and if mother chooses him then she's more than likely to lose her daughter .
Get them help by contacting social services a sap so that your relative has a chance to sort her issues before that man is back on the scene. Hopefully if she's in a good place she'll feel able to tell him to get lost.

witsender Fri 14-Oct-16 15:38:06

I don't hear anything the sounds like neglect, or the child being a 'carer' for the mother. The OP says she functions normally but drinks when the kids go to bed. Like half the population I would suspect.

The facts as presented are:
Child is loved, fed, cared for and attends school
Mother drinks after bedtime, posts shit on Facebook
Mother is often late, doesn't want to hang out with family.

If course she should seek help with the drinking if she has a problem. And of course the OP should be concerned/flag concerns if an abusive adult enters the dynamic.

witsender Fri 14-Oct-16 15:39:00

And 'bad behaviour' or being a handful can just be very normal for the age, it doesn't mean poor parenting.

GettingMuckyFingersCrossed Fri 14-Oct-16 16:23:53

I agree with witsender

chitofftheshovel Fri 14-Oct-16 16:47:43

Was about to say almost exactly the same as witsender.

You sound pretty judgemental of her, maybe that's why she doesn't want to hang out with you.

moomoo222 Fri 14-Oct-16 17:38:37

Poor little girl - if you can handle staying in contact for her sake you really should.

<came onto thread thinking it was about family members with dirty hands...missing point entirely blush>

lemondropcake Fri 14-Oct-16 17:45:16

It's hard not to be judgemental when you have tried and tried to include her in the family and it's hard to approve of drinking like a fish when you have a young dd at home!
She is a good parent but she is struggling with grief. She has been to see the gp but not much they can do other than fire tablets her way and offer councelling which is on a long waiting list.
She is very troubled and the family has tried on several occations to help her and support her but she turns her back on us after a while.

She is not neglected. She is fed, in a clean environment, loved, goes to school on time in the mornings, always picked up.
It's the drinking and night time antics that are a problem but I'm still not sure as are the right way to go. I think she needs help with the grief and mental health issues the most!

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