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AIBU to think we are all BU

(23 Posts)
AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 12:13:01

This is a bit philosophical so feel free to pass over if that's not your thing!

...But technically isn't the most unreasonable thing in the world to ask forum of absolute strangers if your behaviour is reasonable or unreasonable?

Surely the only reasonable form of action is to look within yourself and find the true answer about the motivations of your thoughts and actions - and if they are good, and if they are pure then you are being reasonable.

If they are grounded in malice, bitterness, victim thinking, anger, or any other negative motivation then you are being unreasonable.

Technically isn't this particular AIBU forum just a way to avoid the pain of reflection and realisation of your true self?

TheNaze73 Fri 14-Oct-16 12:15:15

Discuss in 2000'words wink

Good post OP

M0nstersinthecl0set Fri 14-Oct-16 12:17:14

YABU. It's Friday. Can we save searching psychology & philosophy for midweek? wink

crayfish Fri 14-Oct-16 12:19:21

I do see what you mean, it's something about 'knowing right from wrong' isn't it? Or the idea that if your moral compass is correctly aligned then you should know what consitutes 'reasonable' behaviour.

In reality though, life is more 'shades of grey' than black and white isn't it? And a lot of people find it tricky to truly see things from another person's point of view or really excercise self-reflection. So we seek the validation of others that our actions are reasonable or that our feelings about other people's unreasonable behaviour are appropriate.

A forum for it is no different to a converstion about it, it's just a bit more starkly presented. In conversation I might say to a friend 'my MIL did this thing that I think is annoying' and what I really want her to do is agree with me and validate my feelings. I might not actually say 'am I being unreasonable' but it is probably what I mean.

crayfish Fri 14-Oct-16 12:20:29

Hope that helps with your homework.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 12:28:39

It does sound like an assignment but it really isn't that. It is something I've been contemplating for a while. Honestly it's just a general musing (I must give of this vibe though because someone said I was researching for a newspaper article on a different thread I started a few weeks ago blush).

My thought would be that if a person is seeking validation then they already have the answer. They want the other person to validate them because they absolutely know their actions are right for them, or want them to validate because they're absolutely sure they are wrong and need someone to reassure and to distract from the fact that they know they are wrong.

I really think everyone has that level of awareness within them but they don't have a deep enough self trust to listen to themselves.

Sometimes it is not easy to recognise one's own unreasonableness - and posting on this forum sometimes (but not always) demonstrates a willingness to see oneself as others see one, and to learn from others' experiences.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 13:04:03

I think that's really true and interesting. And also gives us the scope to see from a different perspective's... I've posted in both ways in the past. In some ways a person agreeing or denying ones opinion helps to expose more self awareness of true feelings.

steppemum Fri 14-Oct-16 13:20:46

While there are some people who post to validate their opinion, I think a lot of people do post to hear others opinions because:
1. their own moral compass (for wnat of a better word) is damaged and they genuinely don't know if something is percieved by the wider community as being good or bad (eg someone in an abusive relationship)
2. they are too close to the situation emotionally, or it hits an emotional trigger and they are self aware enough to see that they may be over reacting, but are not sure.
3. They are out of their depth. Situations that they have never thought of, or considered and they have no reference points to use to judge the situation.

I am sure there are more, but I don't think it is an unreasonable thing to do to post.

One of the interesting things that you see is OP posts, lots of opinions posted back, OP then makes up their own mind, as some of the replies have made them realise things about themselves or about their situation that they just had not considered.

Eolian Fri 14-Oct-16 13:28:16

YABU. Sometimes it's useful to have an outside view. Especially a range of outside views from a bunch of people who have no personal investment in the outcome and who are probably from a range of backgrounds.

It's all very well saying everyone has that level of awareness within them , but a) no they probably don't - many people can be monumentally insensitive or thick-headed about things and b) if your decision is one that will affect other people, it might be wise to seek other people's opinions on it, rather than just relying on your own personal inner moralist .

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 13:35:26

Morality is a whole other subject.

My point is that surely the only unreasonable thing you can do in life is let others change your path. If you truely believe you are doing right then do it.

Criminal adults generally know they are performing criminal acts. Yet some do it anyway. It's rare we meet a sane criminal saying, "I didn't know murder was wrong - if only I had check on AIBU first."

Eolian Fri 14-Oct-16 13:49:47

But morality isn't just about crime. It's about all sorts of things, including how we treat people. It is not always enough to rely on your own sense of reasonabless in your dealings with other people, because their idea of what's reasonable may not be the same as yours. Listening to other people's views on what may or may not be reasonable in one particular situation isn't 'letting them change your path'. Anyway, your path may be wrong. Do you really think that everyone who believes they are 'doing right' actually is? Some people believe it's right to persecute people of other beliefs, races or sexuality, for example. And if AIBU shows us anything, it's that the 'reasonable' course of action is often not obvious at all and causes huge disagreement.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 13:54:40

Problem is right and wrong are all such relative concepts.
To me the idea that someone I have never met would have more insight on my situation and my reality than me is the most unreasonable of ideas.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 13:57:12

For one, I'd have to be so totally self aware to divulge every single aspect of that problem - the backstory, my issues, their issues, subconscious factors... there wouldn't be enough hours in the day to type at all!

I am the only person who holds all that information and therefore I am the only person who can truly know what is right for my situation

Eolian Fri 14-Oct-16 14:08:21

I'm not so sure. Lots of AIBU questions revolve around the behaviour within families. Sometimes the OP finds it hard to judge whether they are BU about their own behaviour or that of a family member. Quite often the reason they ask AIBU is that they have been brought up in a dysfunctional or difficult family and want to know what would be regarded as 'normal' reasonable behaviour in a 'normal' family. Now, of course, there's no such thing as a normal family, but a consensus across a range of families can show a norm. I think it is only natural to compare our lives with others' and to want to be treated as reasonably as others are, and to feel that we are treating people as reasonably as others would expect to be treated. In any case, the AIBU OPs don't have to act on the advice they are given (and often don't ), but that doesn't mean that it's not helpful to see other views.

steppemum Fri 14-Oct-16 14:11:16

Maybe morality is the wrong word, but I go bakc to my point that some people's compass is broken,

So for example, someone posts about the way their dh behaves about a small thing expecting a response just about that and people come on and say 'What is in this relationship for you, he saounds like an idiot and I wouldn't be staying in the same house as him'

The op has got so used to the bahvaiour she(he) can no longer see that it isn't normal or healthy or acceptable. Once lots of other people start to reflect that back to you, there can be a scales falling from the eyes effect.

steppemum Fri 14-Oct-16 14:26:56

I can, actually, spell. I just can't type!

AmeliaJack Fri 14-Oct-16 14:43:47

Previously I might have agreed with you Anything, I certainly can't imagine posting in AIBU on my own behalf, I generally know whether I am or not.

However I supported a friend whose marriage was in trouble. There was no infidelity or particularly bad behaviour on either side they'd just drifted apart and were both miserable.

I was able to provide a sounding board and help him see things from his wife's perspective. He loved her very much and wasn't being unreasonable/immoral/nasty but he'd kind of got entrenched on his "side".

He needed a bit of a kick to see that.

2 years on, they been through counselling and are much, much happier which is so lovely.

Many posters come to AIBU to get their own behaviour validated but quite often people do come to see another perspective.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 19:16:07

Sorry I've had commitments all afternoon. These points are also interesting and insightful, thank you for sharing them.


AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 19:16:18

all so*

AmeliaJack Fri 14-Oct-16 21:40:21

Phew! grin Thought I'd killed the thread!

dudsville Fri 14-Oct-16 21:44:43

You get my vote anything! I never post in, and rarely open, aibu threads simply because it's not for me to say, and I don't feel like weighing through all the facts to validate or invalidate another person's choices.

AnythingMcAnythingface Fri 14-Oct-16 22:55:42

Yes duds if I'm honest I always know if I'm being unreasonable or reasonable. I don't know what other people think, but largely I don't care. I assume if they have a problem involving me they will communicate with me effectively, as I do when I have a problem with something or someone.

Authentic conflict is rarely scary.

It might be more accurate to call it - "can you offer a different perspective?" or "can you help me to empathise in this situation?"

No one in the world but you know your motivation and that is surely the key factor in whether someone is being reasonable or not.

This is fascinating... thank you all for joining in - I'm not criticising it, but I am so interested in the AIBU phenomenon.

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