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To want him to make more of an effort to see my friends and family?

(39 Posts)
OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 12:00:50

I relocated 80 miles to be with DP pre children. We now have two DC, aged two and one.

I love it where I am but having my family and friends so far away with two little ones has been quite tough. My family and friends do make the effort to come to see us but I want to visit them more often.

Every time I try to make plans for us to visit my family and friends, DP moans that he is at work all week (I'm a SAHM) and I should just go alone on weekdays without him to go and see them so he can have weekends here to relax. He has a long commute (3 hrs plus a day). I pointed out that a lot of my friends work so I can only really see them evenings and weekends. Plus it is easier generally when he is around as DC2 not walking yet.

We have made arrangements to
go to visit some friends of mine in a few weeks time (Saturday) and he said "I'll just have to write that day off then" hmm

AIBU to expect him to make the effort to see my old friends from time to time given his commuting time? Or should I just go alone? FWIW I always go with him and the kids to see his friends and family on weekends etc.

biggles50 Fri 14-Oct-16 13:06:20

That's really tough for you but if his heart isn't in it I'd be inclined to go on my own. But that's just me. It's so very hard moving away from friends and family and I totally get your frustration. Can you just get a commitment from him that you'd like him to go with you at least twice a year. It's not much to ask.

lastqueenofscotland Fri 14-Oct-16 13:10:02

Meh I'd go alone. I hardly ever bring dp along when I see my mum.

Agree with the above. Maybe he comes once every 10 times or something

Starryeyed16 Fri 14-Oct-16 13:17:13

I think its different to go up and seeing family but i wouldn't expect my DH to come with me to see my friends, I have a couple of friends who live in different areas and i would go down on my own to see them. I can understand if your DH is tired if hes been commuting 3 hours a day on top of his working day so i can see his point here,i think you could comprise.

SheldonsSpot Fri 14-Oct-16 13:21:07

You undersestimate how utterly draining a 3 hour+ commute per day is. That's a hell of a commute. Last thing I'd want to be doing of a weekend would be travelling 80 miles or so to see your friends. I think personally 2 or 3 times a year would be more than enough compromise on his part.

BertrandRussell Fri 14-Oct-16 13:21:43

Leave the children with him and go to see your friends. Have a lovely time!

chocolatestrawberries Fri 14-Oct-16 13:34:49

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you. How would he behave if you did manage to cajole him to come? Is it worth it? How would he make you feel if you went without him?

OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 14:49:55

Thanks for the messages.

biggles50 and lastqueen - we don't go back to my home town anywhere near 10 times a year. It's every two to three months if that! I could totally understand him if I wanted to go every month or so.

starryeyed16 he doesn't really like going to see my family either confused

SheldonsSpot he was like this even before he took the job with the long commute to be honest. He had a 10 minute commute before this job and every time I'd broach visiting friends / family, he would say "I'm stuck in an office with my boss all day, I don't want to go driving on the motorway on the weekend" hmm

chocolatestrawberries we'll probably have a few arguments going down there, where he'll rant that he's giving up his precious weekend, but once we get there he enjoys it and on the way back he is fine. If I went without him on a weekday I'd invariably get the "I was slaving in an office all day while you were out enjoying yourself" spiel. So frustrating!

19lottie82 Fri 14-Oct-16 14:56:25

Ok fair enough I assumed you meant every weekend, but once every 8-12 weeks? YANBU, he should make the effort.

HarmlessChap Fri 14-Oct-16 15:17:20

I guess it depends on how well he gets on with your friends and family.

I could manage about 5 hours of my parents in law before wanting to throttle someone. If I had had a stressful week and knew I was going to have another one the following week then I certainly wouldn't want to be having a stressful weekend. Irrespective of how infrequently it was happening.

Msqueen33 Fri 14-Oct-16 15:20:45

I'd be tempted to go without and maybe leave the kids. Can I ask why you moved in the first place? Especially as he has a long commute.

PeppasNanna Fri 14-Oct-16 15:37:59

Another one saying go by yourself & dp can keep the dc for tbe day!
Win win

Shiningexample Fri 14-Oct-16 15:43:04

maybe he just doesnt enjoy their company, why should he have to suffer?
Lots of people arent wild about in laws, why insist people spend their leisure time with others that they just dont want to be around?

OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 15:44:12

HarmlessChap I know what you mean - I'm the same with my inlaws (small doses) but I do make the effort to see them for him, I don't think it is too much of an effort to want him to do the same.

I'd need to take the kids with me as my parents and friends want to see them as well. If I go on a weekday I have to take them; if I went on a weekend and left DC he would moan he's had the kids all day and not been able to do anything. He gets moody if I go out for a few hours and leave them with him.

BertrandRussell Fri 14-Oct-16 15:45:21

Just as a wild guess, I reckon this guy would not be up for looking after his children at the weekend while the OP had a day out with her friends..............

gamerwidow Fri 14-Oct-16 15:46:07

Go without him and leave the kids with him at the weekend if he won't go. My DH rarely sees my friends or family (or indeed his own friends and family) because he doesn't like going out. I just go out without him instead it's better than having him there under sufferance and ultimately my friends and family want to see me not him.

gamerwidow Fri 14-Oct-16 15:47:12

Cross posts, he can't have it all ways. He can either come with you or stay at home but it shouldn't stop you.

OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 15:47:38

Shiningexample because I see his parents every weekend? They either come here or we go round to see them.

Xmasbaby11 Fri 14-Oct-16 15:52:28

I don't think this situation sounds odd to me. My DH wouldn't usually come with me to see friends at the weekend. It's a rare chance for him to have time to himself and he usually gets on with housework, shopping or something which is just much easier and quicker to do without the kids.

On the other hand, my DH would never say I'd had an easy/fun day with the kids while he's working .. he knows our DC (2 and 4) are hard work, and he doesn't expect me to get any housework done on days with them either.

OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 15:57:31

BertrandRussell you have hit the nail on the head. He says "leave the kids with me and go out for the day" but I've tested this out by leaving them with him for 3 hours on a weekend before while I had some me-time and he was pretty grumpy by the time I got back. I can imagine what he'd be like after a full day shock They are very young (2 and 1) so lots of nappy changing required.

I guess the thing that upsets me is that we relocated for a better quality of life but also as his friends and family are all here. Given that I was happy to relocate to be near his family, I think it is reasonable to expect him to make a little bit of effort to see my family and friends too given they are not just "round the corner" and travelling with DC so young is quite hard work. If my family / friends lived near me, I'd go alone every time TBH!

5moreminutes Fri 14-Oct-16 15:58:30

I'd go alone - I do usually take my kids to visit family alone (involves a flight plus a train at the other end... DH usually drops us at the airport). He comes with us occasionally if we make a holiday of it by going on somewhere else afterwards but not if we are only visiting.

5moreminutes Fri 14-Oct-16 16:01:14

Ah although reading your other comments he sounds a bit of a twit OP, sorry!

SEsofty Fri 14-Oct-16 16:01:27

Does he enjoy socialising with local friends at the weekend, or is it just traveling that he doesn't like

OneTiredMummmyyy Fri 14-Oct-16 16:01:33

Xmasbaby sigh. If only. I'm not only expected to look after the DC but also the housework must all be done Mon-Fri, and kids bathed before he gets home. Told him I may need to do a few chores on the weekend when he can look after the kids (I am literally exhausted as the house is big) and he said no, that's our time as a family.

Love51 Fri 14-Oct-16 16:04:18

One kid is more transportable than 2, I used to do all sorts of gallivanting on my 1st mat leave. Take the baby, leave him with the toddler. Don't have a third. Sorted! ps consider the train, under 5s go free on your knee. Easier with one!

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