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AIBU?

To think Ex should doesn't look after our daughter's properly?

11 replies

lottieandmia · 13/10/2016 21:44

I have residence and he sees them usually every other weekend. I know he does love them and he is probably on the spectrum. He doesn't have any common sense.

They are 14 and 12. One of our children is severely disabled so she can't speak up but dd2 has stopped going to see him at the weekend because he lives in a one bedroom flat that he doesn't clean very much. He has a very good job and works Monday to Sunday. He's a workaholic basically. I am sure he could afford a more suitable home for our girls to go and visit.

My 12 year old says that when they go to stay with his parents they don't give them enough food to eat (they are very tight with money) she says that she and her sister get half portions and she feels hungry after meals. My 7 year old eats adult portions and she's tiny (we all are). Last time they went to stay with their dad at his parents dd2 woke up to find she had started her periods and her dad made her wait until 2pm before he got her any pads.

What would you do? He doesn't seem to be able to take on board things I say.

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lottieandmia · 13/10/2016 21:45

Title should say ex DH

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user1476140278 · 13/10/2016 21:48

If your oldest has stopped going then I would definitely stop your disabled child from going...as you say she can't speak up and you need to protect her.

Why is the 7 year old not going?

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lottieandmia · 13/10/2016 21:55

When they stay just with him they do get enough food - that is just his parents but he doesn't speak up. My 7 year old has a different dad - that's why she doesn't go. Our older daughter will ask to go but she wouldn't understand about cleaning etc.

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mysistersimone · 13/10/2016 21:57

I'm guessing the 7 year old is with a new partner.

I'd speak to your exH about your concerns first and ask what he can do about them. If your 12 year old is without sanitary products and hungry it's not acceptable.

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mysistersimone · 13/10/2016 21:59

Sounds like he's being treated like a child by his own parents. He needs to speak up. Can you speak to him?

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lottieandmia · 14/10/2016 10:19

I've spoken to him about it but it seems to go on one ear and out the other. He will arrange fun activities for them to do and can be quite thoughtful in other ways but in practical terms he doesn't seem able to meet their needs. He does not have wifi. I worry about this because if anything happened to me, how would dd2 do her homework? He had no curtains in his house for 4 years. His house is full of broken furniture.

Even his mum can't get through to him.

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mysistersimone · 14/10/2016 11:05

He either doesn't want to change or he's just on his own little planet.
I'd advise going to see a solicitor about whether or not you have to make the children visit their father for overnight stays. I'm guessing at some point kids get to decide for themselves if they want to go. What concerns me is that your 12 year old maybe feeling the pressure to care for her older sister whilst with your ex. That's not good. You need to seek professional advice so you can move forward legally.

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girlywhirly · 14/10/2016 11:07

Maybe now is the time to suggest different contact. The eldest has stopped going to stay and I would be worried about the disabled child under those circumstances. Would the DC be happier with a day visit with no overnights, especially if they were doing fun activities outside his home, and possibly going out for tea or another activity during the week?

You could say that if his home is in a bad state social services would insist that he sorted it out and made it safe, or in their opinion the DC should not stay there. Suggest he pays a cleaner if he can't keep on top of the chores. Suggest that if the GP'S are mean with food and he won't speak up, he makes sure the girls get a bigger tea to make up for it.

Make sure that your DD'S always have pads with them, wherever they are, even if not on a period at that time. I would definitely read the riot act to EXH about not going out immediately to get some for his DD. Every local shop stocks them, and any type will do in an emergency.

Do emphasise that unless things change, the DD's won't want to come to see him or the GP's.

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girlywhirly · 14/10/2016 11:17

Have you seen the state of his house for yourself, or have the DC taken photos on their phones? Because I think a solicitor would be very interested to see the evidence and support their wishes to not go to stay/have different contact.

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Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2016 11:22

The situation sounds neglectful, and your ex is enabling it, and taking a passive role. Your younger dd has made the decision not to go, I think as your older dd cannot speak up for herself, you need to make that decision for her, and if you feel she should not go, than she should not! That is awful, his parents making your dd wait for pads, when she clearly needs them asap and not giving them enough food.