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To feel a bit taken advantage of

(9 Posts)
RunnnyMummy Thu 13-Oct-16 20:01:01

Background: divorced 2yrs. Dd lives with me & sees her dad alternate weekends. He lives an hour away. He has a history of being awkward I.e. leaving it to the last minute to decide what time I can bring dd to him or when I can pick her up. Or changing weekends the day before. Just little annoying things.
His mum is in hospital at the moment. She had an op and hasn't recovered very well. Ex is staying at his parents house (4hrs away) so he can visit his mum. This means he's cancelled plans to have dd this weekend. Fair enough. I've no problem with that.
But he says he doesn't know when he will return home and when he is likely to next see his daughter. She's a bit upset about the change in plan but understands. But she was looking forward to spending part of half term with him. He says he will let me know next Thursday if dd can stay with him. I've asked if he can let me know by Wednesday at the latest. He says no. He'll decide thurs eve.
I've got to work over half term which means I need to sort child care soon if dd is with me. I've also arranged to see friends which I can change but not at the last minute. I understand he wants to be with his mum but she's not terminally ill & he hasn't seen his daughter for 3 weeks. And won't see her for another 2 weeks if he cancels half term.
AIBU (I know I am a bit) to think he could just come home next weekend and see his daughter for a couple of days. I feel like my life is on hold and I can't make any plans.

BaconPancake Thu 13-Oct-16 20:05:20

I don't think YABU actually. How old is DD? Could he pick her up or even meet you halfway and let her stay at her grandparents' house with him? That way she could visit her grandmother too? Not sure how ill she is or if that would be appropriate... And I agree its annoying that he's being a flake but if its an option it would save you a headache over childcare and rearranging your night out.

RunnnyMummy Thu 13-Oct-16 20:09:26

Dd is 11. I've suggested she visits her grandma in half term but was told no thanks. Ex doesn't think it's a good idea to take her to the hospital. But I suspect he doesn't want the added responsibility of his daughter as well as visiting his mum.

Tissunnyupnorth Thu 13-Oct-16 20:13:38

I don't think yabu at all. In fact I think you are bending over backwards to facilitate your DD's relationship with her Dad, which I think really reflects well on you.

RunnnyMummy Thu 13-Oct-16 20:41:52

I wanted the divorce. He didn't. So I've tried to do whatever it takes to keep the peace even if sometimes my ex can be v annoying deliberately. He's not telling me much about his mum other than recovery from her op is taking longer than expected. I'm trying to be helpful I know he wouldn't do the same if it was the other way round.

Stormwhale Thu 13-Oct-16 20:48:24

He is a twat. He is letting your dd down again and again and his relationship with her is going to suffer massively. I feel really sorry for both you and your dd.

Stop bending over backwards for him. You don't owe it to anyone to stay in a marriage that you don't want to be in. If he doesn't step up his relationship with your dd is going to be permanently damaged and that will be no one's fault but his.

I would have a conversation with your dd about how you have tried your best to make sure she sees him as much as possible, but it just isn't working. I would then leave it up to him to sort out contact. Sorry that doesn't make things easy for you re childcare, but it is better than the constant disappointments and instability for both you and your dd.

RandomMess Thu 13-Oct-16 20:49:13

TBH draw a line in the sand and stop accommodating him. Don't rely on him for childcare, don't chase for updates.

Plan your life as if he doesn't exist and focus on supporting your DD emotionally when he continues to let her down. No more running around aiding the contact. Your DD is 11 she'll have the measure of him already tbh.

Assume he isn't around for half term, arrange childcare and when he decides what he wants I guess it will be a case of "that doesn't work for me, I told you I needed to know on the Wed". If you don't this is going to carry on for the next 5 years and beyond...

RunnnyMummy Thu 13-Oct-16 21:19:23

Thanks everyone. I thought I should be more helpful as his mum is ill. But as suggested I'm going to plan as if he doesn't exist and he can fit in with me for a change. Sadly for dd this is been normal for all her life. Her dad has always put work or other plans before her. And he wondered why I wanted a divorce.

marie200 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:37:28

Dear me, he sounds like a twat. Doesn't he drive btw? He expects you to pick up and drop off too? I would nip that in the bud, and agree that you should plan your life like he isn't around.
Don't feel beholden to him and his feelings because you feel guilty about the divorce. He needs to get over it and you can't still try and keep him happy. He's the one losing out by not seeing his daughter, it's his own fault. Xx

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