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AIBU my mum is no help whatsoever?!!!!

(209 Posts)
scarlettsmama Thu 13-Oct-16 18:22:16

Hi guys- basically my mum is being a bit of a tosser. I live about 4 hours drive away from her- she works 3 days per week- my dad is retired.. my partner often works away from home- and works every Saturday. We have a 4yo and a 5yo.
Last week I wanted to go on a training course on a Saturday- my mum and dad had been talking about coming down- as they've not been down to see us for about 4 months ( me and the kids have been there twice since then- by two trains) and they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids so I asked if they could do that weekend and look after the kids on Saturday between 10.00 am and 4.00pm? My partner had been out of the country for a fortnight and I was knackered ( I work four days a week too) and wanted help. Their answer 'no, darling- we would rather come down when you'll be there too and not on a course!!"
Er..... thanks. Not.
Fast forward to now- I had planned to take the kids down on the train the first weekend of half term- again partner out of the country. Also it's my birthday on the Monday so stuffed if I want to spend it on my own with the kids. All was going fine- mum ramps up the text messages about how she can't wait to see the kids etc.... then this: I get a call from her today- their friend is also coming to stay that weekend from Ireland. They are all going to a gig Saturday night and he will be staying Saturday and Sunday night. I had planned to stay from Saturday to Wednesday. She wanted to know if DD could share with me and their Irish mate ( 60yr old man who I've met once about ten years ago) could sleep in the room DD normally has?!!! I was a bit confused as at home my kids share a room so it's a massive novelty to go to my M and D's house and have separate bedrooms which they LOVE. Also- it means there'll be this bloke there all weekend when I wanted to kick back and hang out in my pyjamas while the kids get quality time with Nan and grandad. Why the fuck could they by just have said 'sorry- our grandkids are staying that weekend!??'
I'm so cross I feel like pulling plug on whole visit even though that means having birthday on own with kids - and kids not seeing Nan and grandad. Again.
What would you do? I'm ducking fuming.

MsJamieFraser Thu 13-Oct-16 18:26:44

I think if you wanted a birthday treat then your dh should have taken the time off work.

yabu and sounding pretty spoilt tbh.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Thu 13-Oct-16 18:28:12

YANBU - how inconsiderate - I'd be pretty unhappy too. You could say "er no sorry mum not happy with that arrangement I'll come another time when you're not occupied with another guest". Could you stay at home, get a babysitter and go out with a friend to celebrate your birthday. Or just celebrate another day when your DH is home?

mycatstares Thu 13-Oct-16 18:28:55

Yabu expecting them to watch your dc for you. Their your responsibility not your parents.

But they are being a bit rude by having you over the same time as they are going out for the night.

ElspethFlashman Thu 13-Oct-16 18:29:25


mycatstares Thu 13-Oct-16 18:29:27

They're*. I'm tiredblush

SpotTheDuck Thu 13-Oct-16 18:29:30

Look, she doesn't have to babysit. She doesn't even have to have a reason not to babysit. Ultimately she raised her children and she's done: obviously it would be nice if she helped, but you can't expect it or assume she will.

As for the visitor - it's their house, their rules, and they can have friends to stay if they want. If you'd rather just see them you can say so, but presumably their friend needs to be there that weekend.

Lots of grandparents talk about missing their grandkids - it doesn't mean they need or want to spend lots of time looking after the kids!

Soubriquet Thu 13-Oct-16 18:29:38


Ok so it's annoying they won't help but they are your children

And you can share a room with your dd if you desperately need that help

mastersledge Thu 13-Oct-16 18:30:15

Because their life doesn't revolve around you perhaps.

You had children, not them, I get its nice if they want to help but they don't, so suck it up.

My mum loves my ds but she won't babysit etc.

You do sound spoilt

Elllicam Thu 13-Oct-16 18:30:39

I think yanbu, it's pretty rubbish that on the weekend that you and the kids are going to see them they have made plans to do something else and ditch you in the house yourself Saturday night. If their friend doesn't want to do kid friendly things/they are hungover they won't be doing much with the kids either. I'd cancel tbh.

harderandharder2breathe Thu 13-Oct-16 18:31:11


Your parents probably don't see enough of your children to want a day of babysitting and they want to spend time with you too.

Their mate is only there 1 night, your kids can have their own rooms the rest of the time.

You're an adult, your parents are no longer responsible for you!

RebootYourEngine Thu 13-Oct-16 18:31:13


You are staying from sat-wed and he is only staying sat-sun. You will still have a couple of days to lounge about in your pjs.

scarlettsmama Thu 13-Oct-16 18:31:57

I'm so not spoilt- I work hard and mainly cope on my own with two kids - i have other friends who's parents help them out with childcare?! Does no one else have help from their folks?!

SleepFreeZone Thu 13-Oct-16 18:32:40

God I was on your side reading that!!!

MoreGilmoreGirls Thu 13-Oct-16 18:33:58

While I agree they are not obliged to babysit if I was you I'd be v disappointed. My mum loves having my kids and would babysit any time I asked. I'm afraid it sounds like your parents are not really that fussed about seeing their GC unless it's on their terms every time.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 13-Oct-16 18:34:21

"they are constantly calling and texting about how much they miss the kids"
And that's what makes it all so annoying! They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. If they'd knock the 'we miiiiisss them' on the head then it wouldn't get to you so much. Sympathies OP.

Soubriquet Thu 13-Oct-16 18:34:44

Nope. I don't

My mum has her own 4 year old to look after and we don't speak to my MIL

You do sound very young.

"But muuuuuuum. All my friends do it" <stamps foot>

MatildaTheCat Thu 13-Oct-16 18:35:47

I think you are very rude to call your mother a tosser for this. You are perfectly entitled to be annoyed if that's how you feel but equally she's entitled to make other arrangements as well. Sharing a room is a very small deal and if you are there 4 nights you still have 2 days and night alone with them.

You sound sulky that your trip and birthday will be overshadowed by the other guest. So don't go or go another time but your mother hasn't done much wrong.

scarlettsmama Thu 13-Oct-16 18:36:40

Also- when I go to stay with them I wouldn't be expecting them to babysit for me- that was another weekend a couple of weeks ago.

ElphabaTheGreen Thu 13-Oct-16 18:36:47

No, OP - I don't get help from my folks. My mother is disabled so I look after her as well as DCs. DH's parents are fit and relatively young, but I would never be annoyed if they declined a request for babysitting. They're done child rearing and can spend their retirement howsoever they wish. Whoever your parents have in their house is up to them and is not for you to dictate. If you're not comfortable staying in the house with someone else, then don't go, but you are coming across as a touch entitled, sorry.

Wilberforce2 Thu 13-Oct-16 18:37:07


My Mum and Stepdad are really shit at helping/being involved as well and it really pisses me off when I see how hands o. friends parents/in laws are.

It's not being spoilt it's just having an expectation of how things would be when you have kids and it then not happening. I don't mean an expectation of them babysitting but maybe just "being there" if that makes sense!

scarlettsmama Thu 13-Oct-16 18:38:26

Whereyouleftit thats exactly it!!

SienaSun Thu 13-Oct-16 18:38:45

We have loads of help from both sets of grandparents as do the majority of my friends.
I think it's the norm in real life, definitely when parents are working.
If I have grandkids in the future I will definitely help as much as I can.
YANBU your parents sound selfish.

arethereanyleftatall Thu 13-Oct-16 18:39:20

You're not coming across very pleasantly in your posts tbh, but perhaps you're just cross.
It's nice that they wanted to see you when they visit, it isn't their responsibility to look after your children. Unless they were involved in the decision to have them?

I think the problem is between you and your dp, if you're struggling and exhausted, he should be the first port of call, not your dp.

They are entitled to have a friend to stay in their own house.

raspberrysuicide Thu 13-Oct-16 18:42:22

Since when do grandparents not have to babysit?!
That's a load of bullocks it's what they're for.
Totally on your side op xx

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