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This Facebook status has made me hate my mother in 3 seconds.

(179 Posts)
Namechangingforever Thu 13-Oct-16 00:43:35

I'm BU, I'm not silly. And this post will probably sound OTT, but I need to rant and AIBU is a good place to rant ( I like to think I have a thick skin).

Bit of a backstory I have a gorgeous baby girl who I couldn't feed via breastfeeding, I also couldn't express enough milk for her while she was in NICU, so she had to have donated breast milk, it made me feel so fucking shit about myself, as I couldn't even give my baby what she needed.

Baby not long been home (4 weeks) my sis has just given birth (this morning) to the 2nd most gorgeous baby girl wink I'm really happy for her, I'm also really please breast feeding is going well (of course I'm jealous about it (not sure if that's the right word)) but I honestly am seriously happy for them! smile a gorgeous pic came up on Facebook with the caption "gorgeous girl having a feed via the boob" and a lovely pic, I liked it and commented as it was sweet. Along comes my mother with her fucking "how it should be" shit, it's really wound me up.

I have been crying for the last half an hour. I'm clearly over sensitive, but I just feel like my own mum thinks I'm a shit mum for not doing it "how I should".

I'm just so upset and then along comes my other sister who has liked my mum's comment. I bet they're having a right old gossip about how I'm not being a proper mum to my baby sad

mynachos Thu 13-Oct-16 00:47:48

how horrible! what was she thinking......hmm

Sadmummytrapped Thu 13-Oct-16 00:48:19

I bet it hasnt even crossed their minds. Sometimes people wrote things without thinking about it. Please dont let it get to you your a great mum and we cant all bf like we would have wanted.

ThatGingerOne Thu 13-Oct-16 00:49:31

YANBU your baby is young and your mother should remember about the trouble you've had as its very recent. Seems she just hasn't thought about it in this instance. Hope you feel better about it all OP flowers

someonestolemynick Thu 13-Oct-16 00:50:22

flowers and hugs.

I really don't think it was meant as a slight to you, but your mum being massively a little inconsiderate in her exitement.

You did something amazing feeding your baby. There's no proper way, Just whatever it takes. You did what you had to do.
You are a great mum.

Obsidian77 Thu 13-Oct-16 00:50:57

That's very insensitive of her and since your baby is so young, she can't even claim to have forgotten. Sorry your LO was in NICU. Of course you're a proper mum. Nobody, least of all your own family, should make you feel bad if you can't or don't breastfeed. All that matters is that your baby is fed, loved and cared for.

Saffronesque Thu 13-Oct-16 00:51:33

Glad you can rant here.

Congratulations on your baby flowers

It is a very tactless, thoughtless remark, but unless your Mum is a complete cowbag, could you be taking it harder than you might if not rather hormonal & still very early days with your gorgeous girl?

The written word (especially on fb) doesn't always convey tone perfectly.

gleam Thu 13-Oct-16 00:51:59

You are a proper mum and you mean the world to your baby girl. flowers

Namechangingforever Thu 13-Oct-16 00:54:51

Thank you all. My mum is normally okay and doesn't seem to want to hurt my feelings, I just feel like having our babies so close together is a nightmare, everyone seems to have forgotten about my baby, especially as she was in NICU so has been here longer than it feels. I feel like I'm to blame for them kind of forgetting she's still all new.

mmmuffins Thu 13-Oct-16 00:55:55

YANBU, how insensitive.

melibu84 Thu 13-Oct-16 00:56:01

I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you, she probably commented without realising.


Dontpanicpyke Thu 13-Oct-16 00:58:48

Ffs op I could clock your mother over her daft head with an axe, well an encyclopaedia at least!

What a stupid silly thing to

Honestly breast feeding/bottle feeding has no bearing at all on mothering.

I seriously dought your mum meant to hurt you and seriously dought they are gossiping about you.

Have you a partner who could tell your mum how upset you are? Mine would have.

Hugs op and obviously you are a fantastic mum. flowers

puglife15 Thu 13-Oct-16 00:59:00

Firstly, congratulations on your baby girl! It must have been so hard with her in NICU.

Secondly, in the context yes your mum's comment was extremely insensitive. I don't think you are being at all silly or unreasonable. Does she have form for things like this? Does she know you wanted to BF?

Breastfeeding (or not) can be incredibly emotive for many women and at 4 weeks pp of course you would still be sensitive about it. Can you talk to someone who you think might understand, maybe a friend who's been through similar?

Breastfeeding has NO bearing on how brilliant a mum you are, can be and will be. Please try not to beat yourself up.

Finally, this may not be for you but if you really feel like you are desperate to breast feed and want to give it another try it may well be possible for you to, women can and do relactate and transfer babies back to the breast. If this sounds like something you want to explore maybe get in touch with an IBCLC in your area.

Dontpanicpyke Thu 13-Oct-16 01:00:27

Having them close together will be nice as they get older. Honestly op it will all pass and get better xxx

MommaGee Thu 13-Oct-16 01:00:49

I have a NICE baby, and it's so hard that conflict of happy and jealous. Sure your mom was on thinking about your DN and not you. She must be incredibly proud of you, you survived NICU for goodness sake, you and your daughter are like warrior princesses!!
I'm glad there's a bigger age gap and a gender gap between my son and my niece to stave off comparisons but don't e er feel like you can't remind them what she's gone through and how hard she's already fought. Big genuine hugs xxx

Atenco Thu 13-Oct-16 01:02:29

I really don't think your mother realised how this could upset you.

MommaGee Thu 13-Oct-16 01:03:33

Bloody autocorrect. I have a NICU not a NICE baby

puglife15 Thu 13-Oct-16 01:06:53

X posted - no one has forgotten about your baby or you, I promise. I remember that same feeling a few weeks in where the initial flurry of excitement at baby's arrival dies down somewhat and it can feel like suddenly you and baby are old news - even without another family baby on the scene 4 weeks later.

Do you get on with your sister? It sounds like you do, and in a year or two's time I guarantee you'll be so glad to have children the same age so they can play together etc. My DC's cousins are quite a bit older but it's still really lovely to see them all playing.

puglife15 Thu 13-Oct-16 01:07:33

Momma I'm sure your baby is nice too ;)

GreatFuckability Thu 13-Oct-16 01:07:44

If my mother had said/posted something like that at the stage you are at after i'd had my first baby i'd have felt the same. I'd have been wanting to kill her with my bare hands.
she won't have meant it as a dig at you, she probably hasn't even thought about how it would affect you, but yes its tactless and insensitive.
what you need to do though, is talk to her, honestly but without blame. not 'you made me feel shit' but 'when i read it, i felt like shit because of my experience'. don't stew on it, or let it consume you, just talk to her.

feellikeanalien Thu 13-Oct-16 01:08:27

Namechangingforever I totally sympathise with you. My DD was born at 28 weeks and spent 3 months in NICU. I could only express a small amount of milk and that dried up pretty quickly. One thing which one of the other mums told me was that the stress of the situation often stops milk being produced.

You did the best thing for your DD. You were there for her and held her and you got her home!!!! How amazing (and scary) did that feel!

My DD is now a gorgeous 9 year old and although she has some developmental challenges I wouldn't change a thing about her.

Sorry if I went on a bit but your post really struck a chord.

dinosaursarebisexual Thu 13-Oct-16 01:08:55

That's just rubbish OP, you poor thing. ' how it should be' how nauseating generally. You've just gone thru something mentally exhausting and worrying, be kinder to yourself. I couldn't bf my first for med reasons, so what, she still got fed.

0pti0na1 Thu 13-Oct-16 01:14:19

Is it possible the sentiment was "if only it was this easy for everyone?"

FabFiveFreddie Thu 13-Oct-16 01:25:52

Oh you poor thing. That's an awful thing to say, plus you've had a tough time of it with your baby, plus you're all hormonal and all over the place. flowers for you.

You should let her know in time how you feel. Maybe not right away (it'll settle down in your mind, your niece is all shiny and new etc), but once the dust has settled. You might find it's all been a horrible error.

Underbeneathsies Thu 13-Oct-16 01:30:06

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, namechange

My goodness it sounded like a difficult time for you all.
I wonder if you've had a debriefing session with the hospital- sometimes we can feel like failures even when we have a healthy baby!

I had to have a Caesarean section with my dc and my Mum warbled on about how she had "normal" births, and couldn't see why I didn't/ couldn't.

It was very hurtful especially as the labour was three days and then suddenly not going well at all. It was long, distressing and painful. We both nearly died in the operating theatre, which sort of blew my mind as well.
I laid into her I'm afraid and told her the statistics of those who have vaginal and cesarian and both were "normal" - she shut up after that.

It difficult enough to come to terms with when you're separated from your little baby after the birth without feeling guilty about breastfeeding. My DH was so supportive when I couldn't feed very well and he used to give our baby a bottle at nights. As long as someone is feeding your little babe you're doing the right thing!

I hope you're feeling much much better soon. Maybe see your GP and midwife if you're feeling very down? Maybe you need oestrogen? Sometimes if we feel fantastic with pregnancy the hormonal shift can make us feel down. Can you go on the combined pill for a while. The advantage of not breastfeeding is that you can take the hormones you had so many of when pregnant and feel better if you're missing them, iykwim.

Anyway, congratulations on the safe delivery of your little baby. Try not to let twattish comments get to you, and maybe see your midwife/ GP about a debrief and going on the pill, or taking oestrogen gel supplementation?

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