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AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

(181 Posts)
thisgirlruns Thu 13-Oct-16 00:00:46

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

WhatsGoingOnEh Thu 13-Oct-16 00:09:26

Deep breath! smile Have you been offered the job, or applied?

The 3.30-5.30 slot is filled, in primary school, by after-school clubs. But only in primary school. At secondary school there's usually NO after-school childcare on offer at all, so I'd think carefully about how your DDs will cope with that.

I moved my 2 DSs away from their Dad, two years after we split up. I do miss having him conveniently nearby for school stuff, but I moved to my hometown so I have family here to help. Would you know anyone in your new town? It'd be harder to make new mum friends if you never do the pick-ups.

I feel for you. I bet the new job is EXACTLY what you need, and I bet it would be fab. It's hard to make decisions based on your and your DDs' immediate needs, when those needs will change so much in the next few years.

I don't know what to say! I miss my old town and, in hindsight, I wouldn't have moved. But this might be the making of your little family's future! Argh!!! I'm being no help at all!

Why not apply and see if you get it, then take it from there. And follow your instincts. And if you're in doubt - don't do anything. Sometimes a decision between two options is hard to make because actually, neither of them is right. Maybe there's a secret option C around the corner?

WhatsGoingOnEh Thu 13-Oct-16 00:11:27

Oh, but moving my DC at this age was very easy, school-wise. DS1 was in year 6 and DS2 was in year 3 and it worked really well. They slotted into their new schools like proper diamonds and I'm so proud of them for that.

ImissGrannyW Thu 13-Oct-16 00:13:24

it's a balancing thing/juggling act, isn't it. You have to weigh up the pros and cons.

Top priorities are a roof over head, food on table, coat on back, warm enough, clean enough. After that, it's all up for grabs.

You manage those tricky times with after school club, childminders, babysitters, nannies/au pairs/friends/family. Some of those choices are better for your kids than others. Some of those are cheaper for you than others.

If you are talking about taking your children away from all their support networks, and then being so busy with work that you have to pay for childcare with people they don't currently know (although would get to know) then you need to think about what's really most important to all of you.

I'm not judging, but you need to think about this a lot before you decide what's right for you. You're also considering (I think) cutting yourself off from your own support networks. How will you deal with that?

Some of these issues are immediate/short term, and will be easily resolved as you/your DC get to know people in the new area

I hope you choose what's right for all of you in the medium-long term.

Good luck!

FlabulousChic Thu 13-Oct-16 00:55:02

Y6? GCSE's no id wait.

Akire Thu 13-Oct-16 01:16:46

Tough decision BUT plenty families have to move schools and areas for work they cope.

Plenty of families have rely on child care for after school they cope.

Plenty families have limited contact with dads and they cope.

If you wait a few years till they are both at high school you would lose the "after school guilt" plus as they get older will spend less time with a parent after school and do their own things so far less quality family time.

They would still see him weekends holidays? Maybe if he's that flexible about working from home possible he sees then midweek too? There are plenty of other ways to stay in touch these days too. Plenty of fathers work away from home for long periods of time.

I think if you are going to do it before high school would be the best. But it is one may have regrets on both sides but in 10y time if they are both left home/at uni would you be in a postion to buy them or work your way up?

ICanCountToOneHundred Thu 13-Oct-16 01:26:42

Flabulous yr6 is last year in primary.

Lunar1 Thu 13-Oct-16 01:36:03

How will you facilitate contact with their dad? I honestly think you are undervaluing his role in their life. It will take him from a dad role to a holiday parent. Who would pay for all the travel in both money and time, and do you think that spending so much time traveling is fair to them?

hotdiggedy Thu 13-Oct-16 01:44:00

I think this is an interesting thread. A number of threads have been written recently by single mothers no in work or perhaps in low paid work where they are claiming something like tax credits and getting help to pay for their rent but are struggling as the rent is high/few jobs in the area. They are being screamed at on here by people who are telling them to move STRAIGHT AWAY and not give two hoots about the dad/suppport network etc and yet on here it is a very different story with much more consideration being given to such things!

Akire Thu 13-Oct-16 01:55:48

Can you say 100% that dad will never move away if great job came up or he met new partner? Or even if he had to get a job where he wasn't able to see them everyday after school?

Lunar1 Thu 13-Oct-16 01:57:55

I think it's because this is a dad who sees his children. He is an active part of their life, taking them away from that would be cruel.

So of the other threads where everyone says to move the dads hardly see the children anyway.

I was moved a long way from my dad and even though he was pretty feckless it did me great harm and made my childhood an absolute misery.

Cockblocktopus Thu 13-Oct-16 02:01:45

If you and ex were still together and he could easily re locate would you find the decision easier to make? What's actually holding you back? Moving the girls or moving away from DH?

I would do it.

The girls will cope. They can spend holidays with their dad. They will not be at home forever and this move will boost (I'm assumig) your pension and future. You would be mad not to go IMO. Is it worth financially penalising yourself to stay?

Atenco Thu 13-Oct-16 03:54:18

I suppose in a lot of ways it depends a lot on what their relationship with their dad is and how much you need this other job. My dd's father was useless so I upped and moved thousands of miles away, but my dd's ex is wonderful with their dd and I would not be happy to see her ruin that relationship unless she had a very good reason.

thisgirlruns Thu 13-Oct-16 07:25:14

Thanks for all your replies. I really don't know what to do for the best!
I'm waiting the outcome of an interview, but was given a very clear hint by the recruitment agency yesterday. So, not definite, but once I hear I'll have to decide quickly.
The prospect of removing them from the day to day interaction with their dad, plus leaving their friendship groups is the most difficult thing for me. Eldest doesn't have close friends here, but 8 yo is popular with a great gang of friends.
I would be moving from support but recently I've started having the girls every night during the week so, other than the 3:30 - 5:30 slot, they're with me anyway.
Childcare cost would be £8.50 per child per day for an after school club. That's over £300 a month! So increase in salary would be consumed, plus living costs are higher..
Their relationship with their dad is largely good, but he's disorganised and gets stressed easily. I asked him about the role before I applied and at all stages up to interview, so am trying to engage.
I just don't know. ive always gone along with the life laid out before me, but this feels the first proactive move I've made as a single woman. I've been in long term relationships since my teens, and bimbled along following my partner and reliant on them financially. I don't want to do that anymore.
Thsnks

thisgirlruns Thu 13-Oct-16 07:29:29

Sorry - to add - I don't 'need' the job. I'm in a secure job, reasonably well paid. I began as a PA essentially and have been promoted over the last few years - I'm now as senior as I can go within this organisation, and the big project I'm working on will finish next year. I'm already a bit bored. Very bored. This new role would be a 'proper' job at a senior level in the sector I've carved out for myself in my existing job.

SaturdaySurprise Thu 13-Oct-16 07:37:20

Applications for secondary need to done be at the end of this month. I would be worried about getting a secondary school place at a decent school with a late application.

Wallywobbles Thu 13-Oct-16 07:46:27

I'd do it if the dads ok with it. How will contact work from now on?

Believeitornot Thu 13-Oct-16 07:46:29

Just because their dad gets stressed and disorganised, does that mean that they'd be better off not seeing him? Have you asked the DCs?

GourdExpert Thu 13-Oct-16 07:53:46

"Top priorities are a roof over head, food on table, coat on back, warm enough, clean enough. After that, it's all up for grabs."

I'm a bit horrified by this. Top priorities are the children.

How do they feel about moving away from one of their parents? Their dad doesn't just pick them up from school, they are with him everyday until you finish work, aren't they?

I would be working really really hard with your ex on how he can move with all of you. If his job is flexible, that would be best for children. Better financial prospect from your earnings and not losing a strong relationship with their father, who they see daily. Otherwise, no... You earning more does not outweigh them losing their father from their daily lives.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 13-Oct-16 07:59:17

Oo I don't know.

I get that it's a really good opportunity, but you'd be leaving ALL your support network behind, not just your DP - and it sounds like you wouldn't be in an easy position to make new friends in the new place, well I suppose I mean "parent acquaintances" who can be invaluable in terms of picking up, helping out with after-school activities etc.

If you're not actually going to be quids in, and by the sound of it the extra money will be swallowed up by childcare costs, then no, I wouldn't do it. There would have to be an enormous financial benefit for me to consider it in your position - and there isn't. A tiny financial benefit = no chance against everything you'd be losing.

Will you be miserable/resentful if you don't take it?

GeorgeTheThird Thu 13-Oct-16 08:01:50

You have to factor in the cost and hassle (for the kids) of regular long journeys to see their dad. I'd find a job nearer to your current area rather than get into that.

plugitinsilly Thu 13-Oct-16 08:06:31

I think this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side.

If your current role became more interesting would you be happy to stay?

I'm one of those people who like to have their cake and to eat it (and I work ft with 2 small DC but with family close by to help and a wonderful DH)... I think the job sounds great and would scratch your itch but I do think you are underestimating how much your XH makes a difference to your quality of life. Will you really want the DDs spending holidays with him when you don't see them much in term-time?

I think, as much as it's gutting to walk away from a great job opportunity, that you need to see if your current role could be upgraded to give you what you need mentally and financially before you look at a massive change and start all over again.

Paffle Thu 13-Oct-16 08:14:22

I would do it.

Sounds life a rare chance to forge ahead in your career. Kids are growing up and will find new friends - plenty of others do. Look at the opportunities coming from the new role. Yes, initial increase in pay is swallowed by childcare but that won't be forever and this chance may never come again. You have your life to think about too.

It is sad they won't see their dad as much. This is the one bit I can't really comment on in terms of understanding the impact. Presumably he could do weekend visits as well as holidays?

Paffle Thu 13-Oct-16 08:16:25

Ps Yes you will find your personal life becomes harder and it may seem like one massive juggle. So that is one to think about. Again, would that be temporary or would it get easier?

Would you have room for an au pair?

maddiemookins16mum Thu 13-Oct-16 08:17:41

Tricky one, if I'm honest I think I think I'd stay put, you have a lot of really positive things happening at present, secure job, happy kids, good contact with DP etc. Do a list of pros and cons.

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