Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

(350 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Eatcakeandbreathe Wed 12-Oct-16 20:48:32

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

SirChenjin Wed 12-Oct-16 20:52:59

So leave our the 2 new kids and the one with SEN? Yes, I think that's a bit off.

FoundNeverland Wed 12-Oct-16 20:55:38

I'd just invite those from his year group. But then I invited all 30 children in my daughter's year group to her party in Reception because I hate the idea of any small child feeling left out and sad.

RabbitsNap01 Wed 12-Oct-16 20:55:53

Yeah it's off. You do all of that year group, or a much smaller number. My dd wants a party at home and I'd rather have everyone to softplay but a much smaller subset is needed. It sounds like it's almost everyone right now but not quite which is hurtful. Too specific

NoSquirrels Wed 12-Oct-16 20:57:46

My DC changed schools, and to be honest I could have wept with relief when the eldest (who found it most difficult, going into Yr2) got their first party invite. I really appreciated the whole-class parties, especially as I knew Yr2 is the time whole-class invites drop off and the likelihood of "the new kid" being invited to a small best-mates-only type of party was slim.

I think it's part of our job to encourage empathy. I would have sympathy with the "It's my party & I should be able to invite who I want" line if it was really limited numbers - 4-8, say - but if you are already inviting 16 I would include the other 3.

FoundNeverland Wed 12-Oct-16 20:58:30

Sorry just read the read OP properly. Have to echo SirChenjin's thought. How can you even be considering anything other than inviting the year group! You seriously think it is OK to leave out the two new kids and the one with SEN.

Why do you even need to ask? I despair. Have you no empathy at all?!

PolterGoose Wed 12-Oct-16 20:59:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thefishewife Wed 12-Oct-16 21:00:19

Your allowing your child be be a 😕

You do eveyone or a small number

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 12-Oct-16 21:00:59

You're asking if it's okay to allow your son to leave a child out because he has SEN, as well as 2 new children.
Its not only clique and bullying its disablist and discrimination.

Thefishewife Wed 12-Oct-16 21:02:49

People clearly do as this happed to my son when he was in primary school

Mammylamb Wed 12-Oct-16 21:04:49

Invite everyone. Really, leaving 3 kids out is just horrible

SolomanDaisy Wed 12-Oct-16 21:10:48

My DS is in a mixed year group class and I'm not actually sure who's in each year group. That's the only thing that would make it acceptable, if the kids themselves won't realise. Otherwise obviously you can't let your DS leave out the new kids and the kid with SEN.

Eatcakeandbreathe Wed 12-Oct-16 21:14:30

Wow - I wasn't expecting such harsh responses. As I pointed out there are 28 in the class, so it's about half the class. We did whole class parties in Year R and Year 1, but this year DS wants a party at home, and we don't have space for the whole class.

Yes I do have empathy, hence my post, and trying to encourage DS to invite all 14 from his year group. I have talked to him about the other boys feeling left out, and who their friends are.

Passmethecrisps Wed 12-Oct-16 21:15:13

Sorry but I think this would be horrendous. Year 1/ 2 so what sort of age? 6 years old? With a small class my own feelings are that you either go for them all or a very small friendship group of maybe 3 or 4.

Your son can't be held responsible for the comment about the child with SEN coming only if his mum comes. That sounds distinctly adult reasoning to me.

Eatcakeandbreathe Wed 12-Oct-16 21:18:56

Ilive... I'm not asking if it's ok to leave out a boy with SEN specifically - I have talked to DS about why he's different (he has Down's Syndrome) but they do rub each other up the wrong way, and DS says he keeps calling him names like "baby". It's DS's birthday party - so should I put aside his feelings and invite someone he feels is unkind to him?!

jamdonut Wed 12-Oct-16 21:19:53

Why don't you just have a small party with closest friends, and that way there should be less offence at anyone not being invited.

Better still, just one or 2 best friends for tea and a treat(eg trip to cinema/bowling/ice skating or some such activity). Much nicer. This is what I always did for my kids.

Wrinklytights Wed 12-Oct-16 21:20:10

I have friends with kids with SEN who have NEVER been invited to a birthday party YABVU.

Mumoftwinsandanother Wed 12-Oct-16 21:22:16

I live in fear of this happening to my sweet boy with SEN and to leave out the newbies too. I think it is your job as a parent to push empathy and ultimately prevent him from acting in this way.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 12-Oct-16 21:22:48

Have a smaller party, it is very mean to invite the majority if yr 2 and leave out 2 new kids and one with SN. Not nice! Have half of yr 2, and a few in yr1. What message are you sending your ds.

monkeywithacowface Wed 12-Oct-16 21:24:05

"DS says he can come if his mum comes too" riiiight sure he did hmm

Passmethecrisps Wed 12-Oct-16 21:27:27

This is a perfect opportunity to talk to your son about difference, developing resilience and coping strategies.

I do have some sympathy op, I genuinely do but your son needs you to give him a steer here not the other way round.

FoundNeverland Wed 12-Oct-16 21:29:33

Gets better. So the child with SEN has Down's?! The poor child is going to be excluded and marginalised throughout his life. You have the opportunity to be inclusive and instead you are trying to justify the exclusion because he calls your child names? Thry rub each other the wrong way?! You clearly need to be a better role model and to help your child understand people's differences.

As above you are basically being disablist.

To reiterate - I am astounded that you even need to ask the question!

SandyY2K Wed 12-Oct-16 21:29:45

If that's what your son wants ... Let it be.

If he doesn't want the child with SEN then that's his choice. The other 2 are new and he doesn't know them that well. Although, I used to try and get my DC to have new kids over for play dates. It's a welcoming thing to do.

A girl in my DDs class told her she only wanted white people at her party. I didn't say it was racist or discriminatory and I'm black. A party is not a school affair.

Her party ... her choice. Despite my DD previously having the same girl at her party.

I wouldn't want my DD going to the party of such a person anyway.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 12-Oct-16 21:30:31

Hi all,
For those who are concerned, this poster has been with us for a good few years now and we are inclined to take this at face value.

PolterGoose Wed 12-Oct-16 21:32:43

That's even worse then Helen, because they'll have seen loads of threads about reasons not to invite disabled kids to parties. And if they've been here years, why the name change?

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