To be annoyed at friends digs about my looks?

[shadyquestion]

I am now in my early 40s as are most of my friends most of whom I have been close to since my teens. When we were younger I was the fat one, the plain one, the one guys ignored, the one with greasy skin.

I wasn't ever really fat but about a size 12 and never dieted but instead just ate a varied healthy diet while they all starved themselves to be waif life (it was the 90's). I did have greasy skin which meant I had to take care of it as I've been using retin a cream since my teens as well as spf 30 - 50 daily most of my life. Night clubs and going out weren't much fun for me and I couldn't drink as it made me ill so I didn't ever smoke or party much while they are all out soaking up the decade, one friend even got off with a v. famous Brit pop singer which is something that would never happen to me.

Now at this age I have aged better than some of my friends and don't have any wrinkles or sagging etc and pretty much haven't changed much at all, I haven't suddenly become a great beauty but I do look young. I am getting pissed off though with my friends always commenting on stuff like "I can't believe you don't have any wrinkles ... bitch" or just constantly complaining about their skin etc to me and making comparisons. Perhaps it is meant as a compliment but it doesn't feel like it. It kind of feels like they can't bear to see me have my turn at being the pretty one, not that I even am I just look young.

I know I will probably get flamed for this but is it so bad that their attitude and little digs are pissing me off?

[SleepFreeZone]

My heart bleeds 🙊

[shadyquestion]

I didn't say you should feel sorry for me but I think I'm justified in being annoyed that this is a constant comment, topic of converstion when I am with my friends. They are just always saying stuff about aging then adding a wee "not that you'd know ...bitch" I hate it.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

If you are very well preserved, I think your friends would still be comparing themselves unfavourably to you, irrespective of how you may have looked in the dim, distant past.

[toffeeboffin]

I get this OP.

I don't drink much or smoke, and I eat well : 'Oh, you're so lucky, looking young and you don't have any wrinkles' etc.

Not luck, just lifestyle. It's a choice like everything else!

[Believeitornot]

Well you didn't need to go into detail because that makes you seem a bit smug.

These people are a bit shallow. Why are they your friends.

[AdelindSchade]

Can you explain better why you hate it? There's obviously something getting to you but on the face of it - it's a compliment. Do you think there is a hidden agenda of bitchiness or something?

[shadyquestion]

Perhaps they are, I guess I feel that in 1995 when they were partying with pop stars and being the most beautiful girl in the room I was at home with germolene on my spots and reading my way through the library. Its like they just forget all that and treat me like I am suddenly competition and I just hate it probably because I was never in that position before.

[acasualobserver]

Your preoccupation with your appearance didn't make you happy when you were younger and isn't making you happy now. Think on.

[lalalalyra]

I get what you mean. I let a friendship go last year when I got sick of constant "I can't believe you are slimmer than me when you've got so many kids..." It was badged as a joke, but there was a constant air of pissed-offness that I'd had the termerity to do something about my weight which moved me out of my role as 'the fat one'.

[shadyquestion]

I don't like feeling like its a competition. Perviously that was something I was excluded from it makes me feel at odds with them somehow.

They are nice in lots of ways, a bit shallow about looks maybe but some of them were so beautiful and still are.

I don't mean to come across as smug at all.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

It is like they just forget all that and treat me like I am suddenly competition and I just hate it probably because I was never in that position before.

Would you prefer they behaved as if they thought you were desperately unattractive?

[shadyquestion]

I wouldn't say I had a preoccupation with my looks then or now. I just knew I wasn't the one of the pretty ones, I still had a boyfriend and then a husband. I mean surely its clear to all women especially when you are young where you come in the pecking order of looks. It doesn't mean you sit about dwelling on it but you know where you stand, society makes sure of that.

[shadyquestion]

I just wish they would stop making the comments, I was never desperately unattractive just kind of average.

[shadyquestion]

At least lala and toffee get what I am saying, thanks for the reply!

[Nurszilla]

That's a tricky one. It seems they mean it as a compliment but if it's bothering you and you're otherwise good friends why don't you say something? It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a gentle reminder that you've never felt like the "good looking" one?

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

I think it sounds like they preferred it when they were the 'most attractive ' in the friendship group.

[Nurszilla]

Was meant to be felt not felt there fwiw.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Hmm, I have a friend very much like you OP. She was never the pretty one but she looks the best now. The pretty surfer girl looking one of our group has aged the most.

I suppose our looks have never been much of an issue with us though, it certainly rarely comes up in conversation, only if someone is complementing someone, it's not a thing we would be angsting about. Your friends sound a bit immature.

[TaterTots]

It's just a bit of jealousy - good-natured by the sound of it, or they wouldn't bring it up.

My sister checks me for signs of Botox every time she sees me because I'm the elder one but she has more wrinkles

[shadyquestion]

I do get it is hard for them to feel like they are getting older and that they don't get noticed as much these days. I don't think I get noticed either and I never did so the comments feel a bit rich really. I feel like I have just become a bit of a dumping ground for their anxieties. I have told them to quit it but in a jokey way.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Time you told them to pack it in then isn't it?

[Purplepicnic]

I don't think they sound like very nice people to be honest, both 'back in the day' and now. They seem quite shallow and a bit unkind. Maybe focus on some other friendships?

[Helloitsme87]

OP you don't come across as smug to me at all. I understand what you mean. Although I don't have any words of advice I just wanted to tell you that I understood how you meant it to come across and by no means did you sound smug

[shadyquestion]

Hello87, thanks for that was worried I sounded smug after what pp have said. Thanks for your support!

[tohaveandhavenot]

Well I'm 28 don't drink or smoke always wore sunblock eat well etc etc. I'm ageing the most out of all my friends. Pooh pooh to that! But really who gives a fuck?