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To wonder if I am putting men off

(79 Posts)
Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:08:45

Rather embarrassingly, I am mid/late thirties and haven't ever had a relationship to speak of. I've never lived with a man and have only had sex in the context of ONSs.

I've been urged to try POF and Match and others and I have ... and they just don't work.

Am I doing something obvious wrong? Friends seem to join and be in a relationship in minutes,

formerbabe Wed 12-Oct-16 19:10:38

Are you going on dates? What tends to happen if you do?

Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:11:36

No, never go on dates.

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 12-Oct-16 19:13:27

Sometimes you just don't "click" with people, nothing to be embrassed about

Have you fully completed your profile and have a picture up?

Do you go on dates? How do they generally go?

Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:14:35

No, don't go on dates. Photos are up - or were when I had a profile.

Afterthestorm Wed 12-Oct-16 19:15:27

Do you ever have any good conversations/banter? Or does it always seem hard work!

Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:16:17

To be honest most of the conversations peter out!

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 12-Oct-16 19:16:23

Tells how you'd describe youself on a dating site?

HardToDeal Wed 12-Oct-16 19:17:09

What sort of messages do you get? From people you like or even sort of like? Do you just small talk or flirt?

formerbabe Wed 12-Oct-16 19:17:27

Why aren't you going on dates? Have you been asked? Do you want to go on them but are too shy/nervous too?

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 12-Oct-16 19:17:32

Is it only online your conversations Peter out? Does the same thing happen if you approach men/ they approach you in a pub or somewhere?

TiggyD Wed 12-Oct-16 19:18:50

I notice you have "cats" in your profile name. You don't talk about them as if they're children in front of men do you?

Do you go to any 'single man rich' environments? Gym? Clubs? etc?

HardToDeal Wed 12-Oct-16 19:18:51

You have to up the flirting ante! Drop in a suggestive comment - if they're interested they'll jump on it. I don't mean overtly sexual, even something like "tired now, time to put my pyjamas on", hoping to elicit an "oh yeah, are they nice ones?" or something, and then you can lightly tease. Well, that's my style anyway!

Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:20:56

I don't get any messages! blush Every so often I get 'hey hows u' which are the ones that peter out.

Men never approach me shock grin (I wish I was kidding!) so I don't know.

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 12-Oct-16 19:21:49

If your not getting any messages maybe there is something you've put on your profile section that they are reading the wrong way?

TiggyD Wed 12-Oct-16 19:22:58

You don't have high standards do you?

Circuscats Wed 12-Oct-16 19:24:25

I don't think so, Tiggy

I don't know sparkles. I do think, being brutally honest, I'm not very attractive.

formerbabe Wed 12-Oct-16 19:26:19

It's really tricky to say as we can't see your profile but I'd say as general advice. Obviously, choose your best photo, one where you look like youre having fun, maybe on a night out, glammed up with some make up on. Keep your description/interests fairly light-hearted and quite general. Don't say anything negative or 'deep' sounding iyswim.

chickenowner Wed 12-Oct-16 19:26:23

I was mostly single until I met my DP at the grand old age of 37!

We had both given up on the idea of meeting someone and were both happy being single, with lots of friends, hobbies, careers we enjoyed etc.

We met at a local social group on We became friends first so there was none of the pressure of a dating website. I can't recommend it enough! If you go onto you can look for social groups and clubs in your area.

I know of at least 3 other couples who met in the same way.

Lemoncheesecake36 Wed 12-Oct-16 19:28:37

I met DH online dating many years ago now, when online dating was just starting out really.

Is your photo a good one? Your not as drunk as a sunk for example

What do you write in your "about you" profile? Do you keep it light? Now I wanna get married, have kids and a new lawn mower in the next 5 years

Do you message men on the site? Or do you wait for them to message you? I messaged DH "Hey my name is X, I'm from x and I think your profile picture looks nice" and it went from there

Do you struggle to keep a conversation going in real life? Or just let it Peter out online?

I'm sure it's not your just not very attractive As the saying goes beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

formerbabe Wed 12-Oct-16 19:28:48

I'm not very attractive

Don't be so harsh on yourself. We all have negative and positive aspects of our appearance. It's about enhancing our best bits.

TroysMammy Wed 12-Oct-16 19:29:06

Do you have one photo or a few? I had a message off a man when I was online dating, he had a photo of himself holding a snake. I gave him some feedback advising that although I wasn't bothered about the snake a lot of ladies might be put off. He wasn't my type but I wished him luck and he thanked me for the advice.

Redesul Wed 12-Oct-16 19:29:28

What kind of person are you OP? When you were on dating sites, did you start any messages or did you wait for them to message? The ones you may click with may simply be too shy to message first . Do you chat for a while before you meet, or just have small talk then arrange a date?

I met my DP on Match, talked for a week or so before arranging any date. I had lots of people talk to me and I'm the most introverted shy person on the planet, but I always made sure to get to know them a bit before meeting. Most of them weren't interested when I tried to do that, and the ones that were I had some really nice dates with. It was a sort of way to filter out the time wasters and find the ones actually wanting a relationship

SaucyJack Wed 12-Oct-16 19:30:06

"I don't know sparkles. I do think, being brutally honest, I'm not very attractive."

Perhaps you're not, but one quick look around the school playground at home-time seems to suggest that being an ugger

SaucyJack Wed 12-Oct-16 19:31:36

doesn't stop plenty of other people from forming relationships.

Are you looking in the right places? Are your standards too high?

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