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to want to give my brother a slap

(22 Posts)
pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 16:52:01

Bit of background -

My brother got together with a girl 2.5 years ago, cheating on his then girlfriend before he had the courage to tell her that things were over. She fell pregnant about 1.5 years into the relationship and unfortunately miscarried (I was in my third trimester of pregnancy after a 5 year ttc journey when she lost the baby). Things between them have slowly turned sour and she finished things with him about a week and a half ago.

Our mum is severely disabled (a mix of things, but she has to be on a breathing machine several hours a day and use oxygen regularly). My dh is a night carer for her a few nights a week and because of things going on with dd I stay with him when he's not at home for the night. My brother hasn't been giving her chance to rest. He'll come down and wake her up in the middle of the night. Keep her from going for a sleep in the afternoon. Follow her around like a lost sheep and making her feel awkward for coming to say hello to me and dd.

The other night we were at my mum's and I was up after finishing dd's feed (it was about 3am), I went to the loo and when I came back to bed there was a message from my brother asking if mum was awake. I said no and sat up for about 45 minutes with him talking, just so it meant that he wouldn't wake mum up. He went quiet on me so I assumed that he had gone to sleep so I settled down myself. About half an hour later the house phone goes and it was my brother waking everyone (including dd) up in the process, because when the phone goes at that time you obviously assume the worst.

He's been saying things to mum like he doesn't want to see our dd as it reminds him of the baby that they lost, which I do understand and sympathise to an extent.

Today I was feeding dd and mum came through to the room where we were to say hello. He followed her and then all of a sudden walked off crying "it should be me doing that".

I'm getting more and more upset as he's making me feel like our dd isn't as important as his baby was. Yes I get that he's going through something horrible. But, why should I feel guilty for finally having the baby that we tried so long for when they were only together half the amount of time in total that we were actually trying for?

I'm worried that he's not giving mum chance to rest when she needs it the most (she gets really ill in autumn and winter). But whenever he's asked to let her get into bed to rest etc he gets stroppy. Won't let anyone say anything bad about his ex, even though she is treating him like rubbish. It's all about him and he's making everyone feel bad.

I don't know how long we're meant to let him carry on like this as things don't seem to be improving and the things he's saying and doing are becoming more and more hurtful.

pipsqueak25 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:04:45

he's still hurting it was a week ago and there is a lot of baggage involved, what do you expect ? it is hard on his dm, she needs support for the best part with her health, he needs support and time to get over the relationship and baby. ex might have treated him like shite but it sounds like he still loves her, that's not going to change over night. but you need to sort it out over mum's care, she should be the priority here.

pipsqueak25 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:07:18

would he consider counselling or talking about the loss ?

HughLauriesStubble Wed 12-Oct-16 17:08:12

It has obviously hit him hard but if he's still grieving so openly after a year then maybe he's not coping very well with it and needs to seek some professional help.

He can't help the way he feels OP so you do sound a bit harsh but I can see how frustrating it would be for you too.

123bananas Wed 12-Oct-16 17:08:43

Does he live with your mum OP?

It sounds like he is suffering with anxiety and mild depression. Likely linked to the end of his relationship, he is grieving and sounds quite mentally fragile atm. People who are grieving and depressed can say hurtful things, they are unwell, it doesn't excuse it, but try not to take it personally.

That being said he is relying too heavily on your poorly Mum for support. Sounds like he could benefit from counselling, would he see his GP about it do you think? Your Mum needs to put her foot down and tell him not to disturb her at night/nap time and unplug the phone. The longer she panders to it the more he will rely on her and not seek alternative support.

FullTimeYummy Wed 12-Oct-16 17:12:08

I think you should slap your grieving brother. He's being a selfish little entitled prick.

What a man child, fancy not putting you first

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:14:37

I should have added (sorry for the drip feeding) that I do get that it's a very recent thing and do understand that he will be hurting. I have tried to go and take over for mum when dh is on a break (leaving dd with him), but my brother only seems to want mum, which is understandable. However, he does need to think of mum's health .

I try and keep dd out of his way. And even said to mum that I might stop at home for a while while he's saying things like he has been doing. But mum doesn't want to miss out on seeing dd.

We did suggest counselling but he refuses to go without his ex. He has even been put on medication for depression which he refuses to take.

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:16:46

FullTimeYummy as much as his comments hurt me I'd much prefer that he would put my mum first and have some consideration for her health!

Lessthanaballpark Wed 12-Oct-16 17:18:04

Yummy, there is no need to be nasty.

OP, it sounds like he's so depressed that he can't see how his behaviour is affecting those around him and of course you shouldn't be made to feel bad for having your lovely DD.

Have you spoke to him about your mum's needs and have you suggested counselling to him?

pipsqueak25 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:18:14

fulltime you are being humourous aren't you ? that's okay then wink, seriously though, db does sound like he needs help but will he take it ? this isn't fair on your mum at all. inspite of his problems he needs to be told that he needs to sort himself out, this isn't helping his mum - he is being selfish piling his problems her.

Lessthanaballpark Wed 12-Oct-16 17:20:34

Sorry x post! You've obviously done everything in as gentle a way as you can. Maybe it's time to be firmer and really push it home to him how much rest your mum needs.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 12-Oct-16 17:21:36

He lost a baby, hes hurting now because of his ex, but none of that gives him the right to make you and your dd feel so uncomfortable while visiting your mum? Have you spoke to him about it?

Does he live there?

And why the fuck would he ring an ill womans house at 3.30am?

I'd be harsh at this point too OP.

pipsqueak25 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:22:59

crosspost, db needs to move out and leave dm in peace, if he won't help himself he needs to leave asap, pandering to him isn't going to help. you, dh and mum need to make a unite front and tell him, obviously speak with mum first, however she might want him here and if so you are limited.
she might like the company even if it is negative, don't stop taking dd to see her though. why should gm miss out on seeing her dgd because of your db. he has the option of going out if he can't face dn.

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:29:22

He was sharing a house with his ex and has moved back into mum's house as she keeps being horrible everytime he has been back there. At the moment he has nowhere else to go.

The night he phoned mum's house in the early hours of the morning he was visiting other family to try and get away from things. And I really thought because I spent time chatting to him (no mention of dd to him, just talking about things with him), tried to reassure him that we all love him and are all there for him.

I can push his comments to the back of my mind. Yes they hurt and make me feel guilty. But, my main concern is my mum. We lost dad in 2009. And I'm not quite ready to lose her, which is what could very well happen if she doesn't get the rest she needs and gets ill sad

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 17:46:15

Might help if I finish the sentence

And I really thought because I spent time chatting to him (no mention of dd to him, just talking about things with him), tried to reassure him that we all love him and are all there for him, that he would try and let mum get some much needed sleep. Not phone her so soon after he stopped responding to me

BastardGoDarkly Wed 12-Oct-16 17:59:52

He's being utterly selfish. Is there anyone else, not quite so in the thick of things that could have a word with him?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 12-Oct-16 18:01:57

I would think about unplugging the house phone at night.

As much as he is hurting, your mum's health must come first.

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 22:32:20

I've just been in talking to mum as it's one of dh's nights on duty. And apparently my youngest brother has tried having a word about how he needs to let mum rest etc, but he keeps carrying on. He even woke her up from her afternoon nap today. And if youngest brother can't get through to him, then I don't know who else to try in all honesty.

It's difficult because I don't want to isolate him from the one person who is bringing him comfort at this difficult time. But, I also need to think of my mum's health too and he's just not thinking about that at all.

123bananas Wed 12-Oct-16 22:41:46

Is there anyone involved in your mums care who could speak to him maybe? GP/practice nurse/specialist nurse etc...

Is the breathing machine something like an NIV bipap machine used for apnoea and copd? Does she need to be on it whilst she is sleeping?

BastardGoDarkly Wed 12-Oct-16 22:47:07

Does he not get that she may not be around for him at all much longer if he doesn't let her get well?

I'm sorry op, this must be so difficult for you.

pinklemonade84 Wed 12-Oct-16 22:49:50

123bananas that's the exact machine she has if I remember correctly. It has a little memory card that monitors how long it is used for and her breathing specialist checks it every so often.

Mum does have a health visitor who would probably have a word if it came down to it. But, I think that would result in my brother throwing a strop at her for getting someone else involved. However, if it's what will get through to him then that's what we will have to do.

123bananas Wed 12-Oct-16 23:03:04

If that is the machine it is very important that she is able to use it undisturbed to avoid ending up in hospital. I would do whatever it takes to get him to take notice. You could try a unified front of you and your other db first then if that doesnt work involve others.

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