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SIL sent save date card only addressed to DH

(181 Posts)
waybulooisbabycrack Wed 12-Oct-16 14:16:13

Post arrived this morning, including an envelope with what looked like a card addressed to DH. (He has no problem with me opening & sorting through the post, I have no problem with him opening my stuff either, no secrets).

It's a very posh A5 metallic save the date, fridge magnet from soon to be SIL who is having a swanky stylish very chi wedding in London next year.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that she didn't address it to both of us, and only her brother.

It's probably an oversight, she is 11 years younger than him, but I do feel a bit hurt because his siblings have a habit of making plans for family get togethers and not including me, because we have 5 children and it's not always easy for me to get a sitter & go.

It comes after a phone call from his brother, trying to organise our Christmas and put pressure on us to go to his house over an hours drive away on Christmas Day. DH has 3 siblings, only 1 of whom has a (14 year old) child from an ex. In making all these Christmas plans they have just expected DH to go along with what they are doing and DH is happy too and thinks I am weird for thinking it's selfish and thoughtless for his siblings & their partners to impose a schedule on us.

So the timing/wording of the card rubs salt into the wound.

AIBU to feel hurt by it only being addressed to her brother? Should I drop a hint to MIL who would not be impressed at the thoughtlessness.

maxington Wed 12-Oct-16 14:17:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

waybulooisbabycrack Wed 12-Oct-16 14:19:21


PipersPiping Wed 12-Oct-16 14:19:39

It is a bit strange that you arnt on the save the date, are the children not invited?
I'd probably get dh to say something to her, ask why its just his name.

Dontpanicpyke Wed 12-Oct-16 14:20:14

Sorry your bil has invited you for Christmas and you have 5 kids? If you want to go then it's yes if not no!

Are you saying she hasn't actually invited you to the wedding? If not then that's fucking rude but if it's just the name in the envelope then yabu.

Pineapplemilkshake Wed 12-Oct-16 14:21:57

I'd probably throw it in the bin, deny all knowledge of it having arrived, and book a surprise holiday for you and DP which just happens to fall on the same date grin.

But I am a bitch

QueenofallIsee Wed 12-Oct-16 14:22:10

If I wasn't on a save the date card, I would assume I was not invited! I would not assume an oversight in that situation, especially with 5 kids. My betting is that you are the kids are not invited. Ask MIL

Jinglebellsandv0dka Wed 12-Oct-16 14:22:35

Don't mention it to anybody. It may have been done on purpose to upset you or it may have been an oversight.

What ever happens though - you make sure you go to that wedding. Are your kids not even invited either? If not - start getting s baby sitter sorted and stop taking a back seat to your Dh social life.

When I fell out with mil - Dh was inundated with invites that didn't include me and at first I just bit my tongue but in the end I said it was starting to upset me so Dh made a point of saying we were a family unit: if I wasn't invited he wasn't going either.

totalrecall1 Wed 12-Oct-16 14:23:21

Personally I think it is very nice of your BIL to ask you for Xmas Dinner with your 5 kids - you say DH is expected to go along with it, but then you also say he is happy about it - that is why he is going along with it. I get that she should have put your name on the invite, but I fail to see how an invitation to Xmas dinner seems to be such an issue for you. Perhaps your DH and his family just want to spend Xmas together?? Be thankful they are not asking you to host!!

LiveLifeWithPassion Wed 12-Oct-16 14:23:45

Why ask mil?
If the card is addressed to dh, can't he ask her?

Waltermittythesequel Wed 12-Oct-16 14:25:32

You're completely overreacting!

I would get DH to ask SIL outright.
'Are waybuloo and the DCs invited to the wedding? She thinks she isn't as she wasn't on the envelope'

SpecialStains Wed 12-Oct-16 14:28:19

I don't understand how you can be upset at someone having invited you to Christmas dinner?! You either accept if you want or politely decline if you don't!

The invite, just ask DH to clarify that you are included. You probably are and it's just an oversight, or they presumed you'd know the invite extended to the whole family. You sound like you are being a bit of a drama llama!

JaneAustinAllegro Wed 12-Oct-16 14:28:22

She's astonishingly thoughtless to send the STD card addressed only to your husband, but "imposing a schedule" on you? If someone is good enough to host you for Christmas, then it's by their oven timings that the guests jump, five kids or none.

waybulooisbabycrack Wed 12-Oct-16 14:28:41

I don't know if either myself or the children are invited are not. Save the date only arrived addressed to DH.

Re BIL & Christmas, he had his other brother's wife staying with him last week. Nothing untoward, they live abroad and she was over here for work for a week.

They are over here for Christmas and therefore she decided that she wanted to experience a nice English family Christmas and so her and BIL organised what they thought should happen with the other 2 siblings, rang up DH & presented him with a fait accompli involving us driving an hour there and back on Christmas Day to BIL's small rented 2 bed flat with 5 children under 12 where they would be the only kids.

They don't want to come to our house because it's too far & there aren't enough bedrooms for them all to stay over.

Side issue really but all together it feels as though we are a bit of an inconvenient afterthought.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 12-Oct-16 14:30:26

Well then you say no! confused

waybulooisbabycrack Wed 12-Oct-16 14:36:20

I appreciate the invite, but I ought to say that DH's job means he works Christmas morning, so the kids only get family time with him in the afternoon. The siblings know he works in the morning and in the run up to Christmas, so on Christmas lunchtime I don't really want to bundle them in the car to an millennial adult gathering where they will inevitably be very bored and frustrated.

And then, on Boxing Day, they have decided to book a cottage in Wales near the ILS, and rather than include us in the invitation have assumed that we will stay with the ILS, (who don't have mod cons) so we can have one great big family Christmas.

It feels pants, but I admit I might be being unreasonable.

mrsmortis Wed 12-Oct-16 14:39:43

They don't want to come to our house because it's too far & there aren't enough bedrooms for them all to stay over.

Then your response should be that you won't go to their house "because it's too far and there aren't enough bedrooms for you all to stay over."

Porpoises Wed 12-Oct-16 14:44:11

Before jumping to conclusions i would check whether you're excluded or whether it's just an absent minded card writing omission.

LadyPeterWimsey Wed 12-Oct-16 14:48:32

Are you married to a vicar, OP?

Because if you are, IME it is absolutely par for the course for family not to understand how complicated Christmas (and weekends, for that matter) are for us. And for me to resent DH let them set the agenda, but that's another issue.

In any case I think it is rude not to address the save-the-date card to you too.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 12-Oct-16 14:49:14

I dunno about Christmas, but with card is it just the envelope that is addressed to your DH or is it on the card as well? I address envelopes to my brother but obviously both on the card itself iykwim.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Wed 12-Oct-16 14:50:09

Oh I would tell him to piss off with the Xmas day invite. Don't up root your kids on Xmas day to be squashed in to a small flat. Why isn't your Dh saying no?

StrawberrytallCake Wed 12-Oct-16 14:50:13

Don't go there on Christmas Day but do go on Boxing Day - take everything you need for dcs. At least you'll have more space from them?

Just get dh to ask about the card, he doesn't need to mention you've seen it.

Peach9876 Wed 12-Oct-16 14:56:28

I sort of get where you are coming from. We are the opposite. Just my DP and I, whilst his siblings all have at least 1 child. They all stay together for things, and plan things then it gets relayed through DP who like yours will just go along with it.
At get togethers it often means we end up staying somewhere else (when rest of family were at BIL's house) or in a separate section of the hotel whilst they have a pj party etc.
I've found the best way around it is to be more involved directly with my inlaws. If they feel that they have to talk to my DP (who to be fair will admit he can't arrange a walk in a straight line) then things aren't going to be what I want. They need to feel like I'm the person to talk to and arrange things. We're getting there, but it's taken a few years and still a work in progress.
If the save the date was posted your SIL probably just put one name on the envelope. I sometimes feel daft if I put more than one, although at times have put to '[surname] family', but that can be too unspecific too.

waybulooisbabycrack Wed 12-Oct-16 14:57:53

Pleading the 5th Lady Peter, but hypothetically were that the case, then actually yes, maybe the nice thing would be for them to come to the morning service & stay on for dinner etc. I would be delighted to host, because people who work on Xmas Day are always tired come the afternoon & if we drove then neither of us could have a much needed drink. grin

And it's always stressful when your DC are the guests. It's hard to instil best behaviour when they are missing out on presents etc while adults chat convivially.

DH has had the same job for 20 years so you'd think they might get it by now.

The save the date is generic, it's just the envelope was addressed to him.

I dunno, you'd just think that a bride of all people would be sensitive to addressing things to Mr & Mrs Waybuloo, but hey maybe I am stuck in the wrong generation.

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