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To not invite DS' Dad to his birthday party

(33 Posts)
Nursejackie1 Wed 12-Oct-16 10:21:11

So me and DH have been separated for 3 months now. Finally got finances sorted fairly with mediation or so I thought.
I have been planning DS' birthday for last couple of weeks and asked if he would like to get his own present for DS or leave it to me and pay half towards the day out, cake and presents. He agreed to pay half and that he would give it to me just before DS birthday. So I have budgeted around this and surprise surprise now it is all booked and presents bought he's decided to inform me he cannot give me a penny which is going to leave me short for the rest of the month.
I do not want to spoil DS birthday so said ok, I will manage somehow don't worry about it I just want DS to enjoy his day. This set off a tirade about how he knows "there will be a price to pay in the future" and how he'd be able to afford to contribute if he didn't have to be "helping me" by paying what is actually just child maintenance. Everytime I think we are getting to something nearing amicable he starts something again.
Would you still invite him to the day out/present opening etc? I don't know what to do as I just want DS to have a lovely day but at the same time don't think "DH" deserves to be there and feel like as usual I'm being taken for a mug by him. Thanks!

willconcern Wed 12-Oct-16 10:30:46

Family day out? No, I wouldn't as you aren't together any more.

Present opening? No, I wouldn't as he hasn't contributed therefore present isn't from him is it?

On a separate issue, but more important in the long run, if he's being difficult about maintenance now, then I would speak to the Child Support Agency.

tofutti Wed 12-Oct-16 10:39:40

YANBU. It would ruin the day for me if he was there, the tight bastard.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 12-Oct-16 10:42:27

Nope, don't have him there. Stress isn't worth it.

saoirse31 Wed 12-Oct-16 10:51:52

Surely its about what ur ds wants. If he wants him there invite him. It's not ur ds' fault that u and ex don't get on.

MotherKat Wed 12-Oct-16 10:58:06

How old is ds?
If he is old enough to notice dad not being there then i'd say suck it up for the present opening, but no way does he get to go on a nice day out you've paid for whilst bitching about supporting his child.

Eevee77 Wed 12-Oct-16 10:58:28

I'd invite him to the party, yes. I'd just keep my distance and make sure LO had a good day and I'd assume he'd be happier with his dad there?

Allthewaves Wed 12-Oct-16 11:00:21

How old ds? Depends if u can fake it for a day.

Salmotrutta Wed 12-Oct-16 11:01:51

I think you need to consider whether your DS will want him there.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 12-Oct-16 11:04:04

Noway he can do something himself for. Ds he will ruin itxx

1potato2potato3potato4 Wed 12-Oct-16 11:04:11

I'm not inviting exP to DS's birthday, I haven't discussed presents etc either. But he's having him (for the whole day for the first time!!) the day before so he can sort out what he'd like to do for him, and DS gets to have 2 lovely birthdays!
Why not suggest that?
H sounds like a bit of a twat and ALOT like my ex btw.

HSMMaCM Wed 12-Oct-16 11:06:01

If you're doing separate things then he can do his own present and activity with ds and you can do yours. Ds gets 2 kinds of party fun and you don't have to put up with your ex. It would be nice if you could put on a united front for ds, but your ex doesn't seem to want to do that.

MidnightAura Wed 12-Oct-16 11:06:43

What your DH is doing is despicable but surely this should come down to what your DS wants?

Does he want his Dad there? It just seems unfair to effectively punish your DS for his Dad being an idiot. I completely understand your annoyance at your Ex but by not allowing him at the party it will be your DS who loses out ultimately. (Assuming of course your DS is old enough to have a say) but even if he isn't old enough to have a say when he is old enough to ask "why wasn't Dad there" your Ex can turn around and say you didn't let him come.

Nursejackie1 Wed 12-Oct-16 11:12:29

DS will be 4. I want it to be about him and for him to come first, but Ex winds me up so much I am worried about the atmosphere. If I had to I will do what it takes to fake it for the day. On the other hand I want ex to get the message he can't keep taking the piss when I'm trying to be fair, its not so much the money although I was relying on it but his attitude. I don't want to be seen as coming between them either by not including ex in DS birthday, they do have a good relationship which I want to encourage but he is just hellbent on winding me up!

lovelilies Wed 12-Oct-16 11:22:54

Why the fuck dads think they're 'doing you a favour ' by paying the minimum child support I don't know.
I'm in the same boat and REALLY pissed off because ExP offered to buy DS some winter boots (he's 2) so I bought them and he said he'd give me the money. I've had to ask 3 times for it!! envy
I pay for EVERYTHING else in regards to the DCs.
Sorry for hijack.

FWIW I did let ExP come to his party. Shit atmosphere. But there we go.

building2016 Wed 12-Oct-16 11:27:02

saoirse31 'you and ex don't get on'

is surely a TOTAL misreading of the situation. What utter rubbish.

He's not prepared to contribute towards his child. WTF.

Selfimproved Wed 12-Oct-16 11:28:23

You are doing the party for DS, and it will be lovely. Let your DH do his own thing (or not).
You don't have to sacrifice everything in this situation. You are permitted to enjoy the party without having to deal with DH.

What kind of guy doesn't keep anything aside for his kids birthday? Probably not the kind of guy who can keep his mouth shut and behave on the day. Don't invite him.

StrongerThanIThought76 Wed 12-Oct-16 11:28:53

Hell no!

Last year the kids invited their dad to their birthday party (after several years of him not giving a f***), was a bloody nightmare.

eyebrowsonfleek Wed 12-Oct-16 11:29:07

Don't invite him but if he wants to see ds and do something/give a gift then make time on the day.

Careforadrink Wed 12-Oct-16 11:29:12

Yanbu

He's trying to control you. Don't give in. You need to start as you mean to go on and set boundaries.

He can't be allowed to take advantage. As he's proven his word is worthless then you can't trust him not to ruin the party.

Nursejackie1 Wed 12-Oct-16 11:31:51

Lovelillies, I don't know where they get this attitude from, so self centred and you can't reason with it! He sounds a complete arse, sorry you have got this type to deal with too!

RebelSoldier Wed 12-Oct-16 11:37:53

What an absolute Dick.

I've been separated for similar amount of time as you.

I'm also trying to make things pleasant for kids by rising about shit like this so that DCs see their dad, but how long can that last??

I feel bad for you and your DC.

LemonBreeland Wed 12-Oct-16 11:40:54

You are very recently separated and for the sake of your DS I don't think you should confuse things by doing family days. Don't invite the ex. He can do something himself for his sons birthday.

RebelSoldier Wed 12-Oct-16 11:41:19

I would invite the dad as I know he wouldn't ruin the party or the atmosphere. But if I thought I couldn't handle his presence then I wouldn't.

However we can sometimes be on terms nice enough that we've been out once for coffee and cake as a family and it was very nice. I think the kids enjoyed it. It wasn't on my turf and it was a sunny day and i coped fine.

But the Not paying and then attending?!?! God. How horrendous that he put the ball in your court.

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 12-Oct-16 11:59:04

No, don't invite him. He hasn't contributed a penny to his own child's birthday so he can fuck off if he thinks he gets to join in. He made his bed, he can lay in it.

My cousin and his DW split up. They never attend their child's birthdays together. They always do something separate. But then my cousin buys his own presents and throws his own party or has a day out. He would never dream of not paying for anything for his child's birthday.

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