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AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

(149 Posts)
onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 05:13:49

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

CanuckBC Wed 12-Oct-16 05:30:35

If you are feeling in danger, you are being reasonable. Don't expect him to be reasonable about this request. Have a safety plan in place. Chronic pain changes you, it sucks the big one. I live with it and thankfully have a good medical support team to help me cope. Before diagnosis was hell. Depression. And other mental health issues often go hand in hand so a change in behaviour isn't surprising.

Optimist3 Wed 12-Oct-16 05:42:00

Phone the Gp and tell him your worries.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Wed 12-Oct-16 05:44:41

Do you mean that you worry his personality is changed by his illness?

If you believe you are in danger from him then yes do tell him he needs to stay away from home. How are you going to tell him? He may react badly.

Some illnesses can cause personality change, but a link between joint pains and bullying behaviour sounds fairly odd. Chronic pain could certainly make someone depressed or irritable, but OP sounds really scared by how he acted during sex, that doesn't sound like it was due to chronic pain.

Have there been any concerning behavior signs in the past? Anything?

You can speak frankly about sex on here if you want to.

Optimist3 Wed 12-Oct-16 05:44:42

posted too soon.

Ring Gp first thing and ask for callback. explain what's going on.

Make an appointment for him at GP's and tell him not to come home unless he's been and is tackling the issue.

ShastaBeast Wed 12-Oct-16 06:01:44

You aren't unreasonable to ask this but he may not change for a long time as it's a long road to getting treatment. He may have chronic pain, a condition itself as opposed to being in pain long term. There are things that can help with chronic pain but it's management rather than cure and pain meds can mess with the brain - opiates, anti depressants, tranquillisers and anti convulsants. Is his unwillingness connected to the MRI? Lots of people are anxious about the procedure but there are alternatives and he doesn't need a scan before trying other options.

I have severe chronic pain and it does make me snap, which I often acknowledge when snapping as I realise why I'm struggling. I found the snapping much worse when suffering undiagnosed depression than just pain. Realising why it was happening made it much easier to change. In my experience it's much harder to get a man to seek help, I've asked my DH to get counselling many times and it's been ignored for about a year. Making an appointment for him may be an option.

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 06:57:13

Hopelessly - I don't know why his personality has changed whether it is something actually wrong or if it's due to living with being in pain?

PoldarksBreeches Wed 12-Oct-16 07:08:38

Chronic pain can make people very short fused but the sex thing is not really explainable by him being in pain is it?
Has he been aggressive or coercive sexually before?

Pythonesque Wed 12-Oct-16 07:11:35

Tell his GP, ask for an urgent call back or something. I'm out of clinical practice but this pattern is ringing bells to me - there could be a link between pain and calcium metabolism problems and the personality change I think. Maybe with the GP you can work out a way forward though be aware they may not be able to tell you much - but will appreciate what you can tell them. Good luck.

NotBadConsidering Wed 12-Oct-16 07:30:48

This is a bit out there, but is there any chance he could be abusing steroids or testosterone? Is he a gym junkie or a cyclist? Just thinking of the link between hip problems and mood change.

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:43:09

Poldarks it's hard to describe it as aggressive because it's not shouting or anger or anything physical like that.

Last night we were having sex everything fine he wanted me to do something which I didn't I just said "I don't really want to do that" and he just said "you don't want to turn me on?!" And when I tried to move away he wouldn't let me move and then "finished off " over the top of me - god I hate talking about sex .

So it wasn't awful it was just not something I would expect and I think unfriendly.

This morning he got up and left with out saying a word he stared at me the whole time he was getting dressed, not taking and walked out. It was really ...odd.

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:45:40

With the kids it has been things like well
Stupid stuff like he was sitting at the table and for some reason started throwing pens at dd (12) not hurting her just being annoying - it's really really strange behaviour like that.

Or my dd was doing his evening job (sweeping kitchen) but moaning about it and not doing it well. So my dh took the brush off him and bopped him on the head - I don't mean a big whack or anything major just almost a joke but not quite.

neonrainbow Wed 12-Oct-16 07:47:49

He sounds like a dick. You don't have to live with sexual coercion. That in itself would be enough to ask him to leave.

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:48:21

Python - dh has already refused to go to a gp appointment I made. I made it he just refused to leave the house. He is 6 foot and about 15 stone and I'm a five foot 2 woman I can't really force him once he's decided on something.

In our house we have started to call it "wall of man" so if he doesn't want to do something he literally just turns away and refuses to move.

GazingAtStars Wed 12-Oct-16 07:49:44

I'm not surprised he's frightening you, the sex stuff sounds really wrong to me, he was trying to coerce you into whatever it was he wanted to do

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:49:59

I should add that until this all started he was a wonderful father - we have a large family and he is actually still great most of he time but for some reason the last year it's just been him being in pain and behaving oddly

YelloDraw Wed 12-Oct-16 07:50:15

I fucking hate people who won't go and seek medical help, and then take it out on their families.

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:51:12

Gazing the stupid thing is that it's not like it's anything major it was just like "can we change position" and my reply was throw away like "I'm happy like this" blush it wasn't arguing or anything but he majorly reacted

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:54:42

I don't know if I should text him and see if he's ok or not confused

Lweji Wed 12-Oct-16 07:55:15

YANBU at all.

Calling the GP achieves nothing. He's the one who needs to go and get treatment, if it's the case that he needs it.

StillMedusa Wed 12-Oct-16 07:57:14

He actually sounds really quite unwell to me sad If he was not like this before, to you , the kids.. the 'wall of man' is very odd indeed and I would be very concerned that there is something more serious than a joint problem going on.

And yes I would tell him not to come home until he has seen a doctor and spoken about not just his physical but his mental health. He sounds borderline dangerous. (and I am not a LTB type )

Gazelda Wed 12-Oct-16 07:57:40

My instinct is to agree with you. Yes, tell him not to come home until he's made a doctors appt. but I suspect the reality will be that he ignores you. Then what can you do?

Penfold007 Wed 12-Oct-16 07:57:53

So in the space of a few hours he was aggressive towards his daughter and sexually assaulted you. Do you think there is any chance he is self medicating to deal with the pain?

onemoretimeagain Wed 12-Oct-16 07:58:54

Shasta - I don't know why he is so unwilling - the X-ray showed shadows on his hips or something so he got sent for the MRI. That was about 6 months ago he totally refused to go. He has no fear of enclosed space or anything - and I have had MRIs so it's not like it's a total

LagunaBubbles Wed 12-Oct-16 07:59:49

You can't force someone to see the Doctor if they don't want to go (and I despise people that don't want to face up to health problems but end up taking their bad moods out on their families). You however don't need to live like this.

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