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AIBU?

to not let baby's dad be there for birth as i want my sister?

66 replies

ABWilk · 12/10/2016 01:58

i don't know if im bu or not...

my dp means well, but he is awful with things. he will be the type who will be on the floor and need me looking after him, instead of him rubbing my back, helping me breath or whatever. when he came along to one of my blood tests he kept making noises as the needle was getting close to my arm which was fucking irritating and off putting for the nurse, etc. he just isn't good with things like that. he sits there and always goes through the worst case scenario out fucking loud, so i can just imagine it now. after all this, he still wants to be there for the birth.

dsis has had 3 children, she knows how it is, she would ultimately be the best person to be there, she will be able to keep me calm but not make it all about her. i don't know if ill get through it without her and with my dp there... i keep trying to subtly imply this to dp but he isn't really getting it... i feel like i should just come out with it and say i don't want him there for the birth.

of course he would be the first person to come into the room but i just don't know if i can have him there!

would i be unreasonable to do this??

OP posts:

Report

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 12/10/2016 02:00

Could you have both of them there?

ABWilk · 12/10/2016 02:06

it is strictly 1 birthing partner at our hospital... even if it wasn't, he would have dsis helping him throughout the whole thing

OP posts:

HedgehogHedgehog · 12/10/2016 02:10

YANBU because its entirely up to you who you have there, as you are going to be the one giving birth and need whoever is going to help you the most there.

However i would think long and hard about it as sometimes people can surprise you and your DP may well rise to the challenge if given the chance.
Perhaps you might also consider having them both there? Or have your partner there initially but ask the midwife to get him to leave if at any point he is stressing you?

If you dont want to take the risk though its entirely up to you. The babys and your welfare are the most important thing so you need to make sure you are as calm as possible and have whoever will facilitate that best there with you.
Good luck xxxxx

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 12/10/2016 02:17

If it's strictly one birth partner in the room, I'd let have both at the hospital, give him a chance but swap him out for DSIS if he's not being supportive enough, then swap him back in for the pushing stage.
But you may find they'll let you have both and the rule is just to avoid entire families turning up.

Bogeyface · 12/10/2016 02:59

I think that having your sister on call if he is being useless and them swapping would be the best bet. But you need to make it clear that this is your call and not his. So if you say "GO! I want DSis" then he goes, no arguments or sulking or holding it against you for ever and a day.

Yes his child is being born but you are the one bearing it so you need whatever you need to get through it.

If he is a decent man then he will be ok with that.

Still does have a point though. Ask to speak to the director of midwives and explain that he wants to see his child born but he is crap at medical stuff, ask if he can be there to see the birth but with your sister as your official birth partner. Our hospital put a limit on birth partners due to sisters, cousins, grandmas etc on both sides all turning up to be "partners". My dad came by to drop off some stuff I had forgotten in a rush to get to hospital and was asked to leave straight away as I had exDH and DSis with me so that was my limit. The midwife was sympathetic but said that if he stayed then everyone else would want to aswell.

user1476140278 · 12/10/2016 03:12

YANBU. My DH got sent out of the room in the end. It wasn't his fault. He's not a coper with blood and all that and he half fainted...the doctor just said "Out you go!" as nobody was going to look after him when I was in serious trouble...as was the baby as it happened (all worked out fine though!)

As long as he's not too upset.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2016 04:45

i keep trying to subtly imply this to dp but he isn't really getting it. Sod subtlety. "Darling, do you think you can suck it the fuck up? If not, you can wait outside while I get a human being out of me. Smooches."

DH can be a terrible drama llama and hypochondriac but he was a rock star during my days of labour.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 12/10/2016 06:56

Don't do subtlety. He will be useless in the event. Make it clear now.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 12/10/2016 07:01

The noises when you were getting blood taken would have led to some very unsubtle messages from me. This is happening to me, not you. You cannot be there for the birth when you behave in this way

blueturtle6 · 12/10/2016 07:04

It's obviously stressing you out, and that last thing needed. Tell him what you need. No ifs or buts.

waitingforsomething · 12/10/2016 07:08

He sounds unhelpful for sure, so I think you should have your DSIS at the hopsital just in case he really can't hold it together.

But, does he want to be there? I know being at the birth of our children was important from a bonding point of view for my DH. He found it really important to be there and was bowled over by the whole experience despite being a little squeamish himself!!

If he wants to be there, I'd be having a very non-subtle chat about exactly what kind of support you are expecting at the birth. If he can't guarantee this or isn't that fixed on being there, then take you sister.

BombayBonsai · 12/10/2016 07:08

I think I would have said something at the point of blood!

I think he has to be given a chance though. If that means swapping out so be it but just a thought, it makes it a very long day for whoever is sat outside the room. I wouldn't want to ask my sister to do that. How far away from the hospital is she?

Dancedog · 12/10/2016 07:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable however I know DH would have been very upset if he had missed the birth of our DD.
He is a bit of a drama queen as well. I had to have a needle once and he kept whistling and going on about how big it was.
But he really stepped up during the birth.

DD was in distress and I was panicking and he really managed to step up and help out.

I would let your dp be there but have your Dsis on standby and swap them if he isn't being helpful.

aprilanne · 12/10/2016 07:23

i can see you point .the midwife actually told my hubby to leave when i was in last stages of labour with eldest son because she could see he was going to faint and i told him no way with other two .not all men either want to or can actually handle it no shame in that .i personally had my mother at the end

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 12/10/2016 07:32

sits there and always goes through the worst case scenario out fucking loud, so i can just imagine it now

I think you'd be doing everyone, not least yourself, a favour by packing him off.

Drs and midwives will have enough to be getting on with w/o having to pander to non patients.

PikachuSayBoo · 12/10/2016 07:33

In your position I would be petitioning the hospital to update their rules for everyone. There's a lot of research which says that women labour/birth better with female birth partners. But obviously most partners want to see their child arrive in the world.

Most hospitals allow two birth partners.

HarleyQuinzel · 12/10/2016 07:39

You will probably find they allow them both there on the day. My hospital said 2 but I had 3 people in the room the whole time.

Just talk to him about it, maybe let him come in at the very end so he can actually see his child being born, but the labour and contractions will be all about you so do whatever you want.

Headofthehive55 · 12/10/2016 08:01

IT would be a shame if you didn't allow him there. It's a special moment, and quite a bonding time for both parents.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2016 08:04

YANBU. Labour is about you feeling supported and comfortable, it is not a spectator sport.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/10/2016 08:05

OP, it might be a good idea for him to talk to a health professional so that he hears from a third party exactly what's involved.

Also, as PPs have said, it might be a good idea to have your sister there as back-up. This is about you and your baby, there'll be no room for your DP's drama fest.

nerdymum · 12/10/2016 08:21

I think the hospital is being very restrictive as the rule these days tends to be 2x birth partners allowed.

DH is very sensitive and can get quite dramatic yet he was amazing when I gave birth. It really helped him to be informed about what would happen - we did antenatal/NCT courses together.

(However, I had my best friend on call and she was around the hospital most of the time just in case. She also kept me company when DH has to go get food etc. It was a long one!)

Perhaps it'd help if you have a chat with your DP and walk him through all the possible scenarios - from an easy delivery to a EMCS and ask him if he honestly thinks he could cope. Even if he says yes, keep your sister on call and she can be at the hospital/ward once things are getting started so she can step in if needed. Make a note of this in your birth plan and have a word with the midwife when you arrive.

Hope all goes well x

JC23 · 12/10/2016 08:31

I felt this way about my husband, but we live abroad away from family so there was never a question of anyone else being there. He's very squeamish and feels faint at the sight of blood. I thought he would be quite useless. But he was great. He tirelessly did all the things I needed him to do - rubbing my back, cooling me down with an icy flannel, counting the seconds of each contraction.
He later said it was the most terrifying experience of his life. But it was a magical thing for him to see his son being born. And a special experience for us both to share.
Good luck

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ZuleikaDobson · 12/10/2016 08:34

sits there and always goes through the worst case scenario out fucking loud, so i can just imagine it now

So that's the perfect way of introducing the subject, and maybe stopping him from doing that. Tell him that he needs to stop, and unless he does you really cannot have him in the room during the birth. Equally he needs to think now about whether he can cope with needles, forceps, blood etc without making stupid noises, because equally if he can't he won't be staying with you.

alltouchedout · 12/10/2016 08:35

You're the one giving birth, you get to choose.

ohtheholidays · 12/10/2016 08:54

No YANBU tell him and tell him soon that your having your sister with you,you need someone that's calm and only focused on you as a birthing partner.

You must have the patience of a saint OP,but when your in labour patience is something we can all wear thin of,I've had 5DC and there's no way I'd have been happy to have someone behave that way whilst I was in labour.

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