To want to call out exBIL on his bullshit?

(47 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 21:27:02

I feel I may well BU.

I know I should keep my nose out but I'm finding it very difficult.

ExBIL fucked off to the other side of the country after he and DSis broke up, he now hasn't seen his DC in almost a year and has gone on to have another baby with his current gf. The last time he saw his DC's was to tell them that gf was pregnant.

I'm sick of seeing all the updates of his and his gf's baby, with all their friends commenting as if he is fucking dad of the year, while his older DC's are basically treated like they don't exist.

I'm sick of him playing happy families with his baby, gf and her older kids from a PR.

I'm sick of his gf trying to be all 'nicey nicey' with my DN's, as if they are great pals when really they barely know her, while simultaneously doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to try and make her feckless bf take care of or even see his other DC's.

So wibu to start posting on every fucking photo or update they put on FB, not in an insulting or nasty way, just to remind him ever so fucking gently that actually, he has 3 kids not 1 and that the older ones who are no longer flavour of the month apparently are just as important and worthy of his time and attention as the younger one.

Or at least to insist suggest that DSis does?

Cherrysoup Tue 11-Oct-16 21:35:23

Yabmassivelyu. It's not your business. Block the feckless twat from your social media. It sounds like your DSis is better off without this idiot in her and the children's lives.

FlabulousChic Tue 11-Oct-16 21:46:57

Id be posting shot like you have other kids be a dad to them you arsehole

Waltermittythesequel Tue 11-Oct-16 21:52:28

It's hardly her job to make sure he sees his kids. confused

milkyface Tue 11-Oct-16 21:57:48

YABU.

It's none of your business, and even if it was it is NOT up to his girlfriend to maintain contact, it's up to him.

BestZebbie Tue 11-Oct-16 21:59:46

DSis shouldn't do that, as it will just backfire on her and make her look bad.

You can do it, if it will give you some satisfaction for a few days until they block you.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 22:00:40

No, quite right Walter, it isn't her job to make him see his kids. That is his responsibility.

I do think though that any decent person would be on at him to at least try and convince him to do the right thing by ALL his DC's. Especially since she has other children from a PR, I bet she'd be the first one to complain if her ex never saw or paid for his DC's.

She even went as far as to be a part of a massive lie that exBIL told to get out of seeing DN1 on his birthday because she wanted him to stay with her. Because obviously she and her kids are more important. She is just as bad as he is in my opinion.

SandyY2K Tue 11-Oct-16 22:00:43

Why are you still friends with him on FB? Just delete and block him.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 11-Oct-16 22:02:01

He sounds like an chundercunt and you need to block him for your own sanity.

The only saving grace is that nobody's social media reflects their actual life; it's the nice hollywood-edited version with filters and deleted stuff and no admission that they're just enormous twats underneath the snapchat. Delete him and try to not dwell on his behaviour any more. Spend time with your Sister and her children and remind yourself that in years to come, you're going to have a lovely relationship with them all while he's going to miss out and have masses of regrets.

milkyface Tue 11-Oct-16 22:04:41

He shouldn't need persuading to see his own children though, should he?

This has nothing to do with new girl friends kids or what she would be happy with.

Is your sister bothered? If she is she should be the one talking to him (note - talking, not posting passive aggressive comments on fb)

mamas12 Tue 11-Oct-16 22:05:46

Swell I suppose you could say things like
Ooh doesn't he/she look like his big brother/sister in that photo
And then post a photo of the elder three to prove the point
And ooh just his big sis/bro they liked doing that too
Or following the family tradition doing that just like ...
Post a photo of o e the older ones next to the younger one with the same expression
If your Dsis give permission for the photos of course , if she doesn't you still could say these things,

HarryPottersMagicWand Tue 11-Oct-16 22:09:36

You should keep out of it. Why do you even have him on Facebook?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 11-Oct-16 22:11:28

You need to stay our of it. It's non of your business.

Block him f

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 11-Oct-16 22:11:45

*Block him from FB

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 22:25:18

DSis is massively, hugely bothered. Way more than even I am, they are her kids being ignored! She is trying to take the high road though, she doesn't want DC's to one day find a slanging match between her and exBIL on FB. She is very, very, very tempted though, we have discussed it at length.

Talking to him doesn't work. He refuses to talk to DSis at all, any communication between them is done via his gf. If she tries to contact him directly he just ignores her or doesn't even read the messages. He refuses to give her his phone number.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 22:27:23

Sorry, forgot to add, this is why DSis has his gf on FB and can therefore see all these posts, to maintain some semblance of contact since he has unfriended her on FB, doesn't answer FB messages, and refuses to give any alternative contact information. Her only point of contact with him is through his gf, obviously she maintains this for the DC's sake.

HerRoyalNotness Tue 11-Oct-16 22:29:26

Yanbu to want to do it, but I can't tell you if you should

if you did, I'd post things like a pp suggests

"Oh how cute, I rmember when you brought Dc1 home from hospital. You must miss them"

"Bet the DC can't wait to meet their half sibling. They must be so excited"

Digs, but subtle digs iyswim

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 22:50:39

Definitely Royal. I would want it to be obvious what I'm getting at, but not outright bitchy/no swearing etc.

DSis has done so well so far to remain dignified I wouldn't want to ruin all that for her. But at the same time I just want to remind him that yes, his other children are still alive and still miss him.

Careforadrink Tue 11-Oct-16 23:04:35

Sod it. Do it.

I don't believe in taking the high road. Feckless fathers need to be called out on their shitty behaviour.

Sticking your nose in hardly compares with abandoning children does it.

SandyY2K Tue 11-Oct-16 23:11:49

If the father of my child didn't want to maintain contact, then I would not be staying friends with his new GF to do so.

I'd simply find a decent father figure /new partner for my child if I felt it was necessary.

If a dad can't be bothered with his own kids then he isn't worth it. I also wouldn't be with a man who discarded his kids either, so I don't know what that says about his GF.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 23:12:45

Well exactly! That's precisely what I think! He shouldn't be able to just swan off into the sunset and abandon his children because its no longer convienent for him with no repercussions.

I have a feeling karma is about to bite him in the arse though, he left my Dsis is debt up to the eyeballs. Then when he bailed they lost contact with him and stopped chasing him, so DSis got left with it all. Well she's now filing for insolvency for her share, and it may just happen that his address gets passed on to the debtors....

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Tue 11-Oct-16 23:18:10

Well quite, sandy.

I can't imagine I would want to be with someone who can so casually abandon his kids, and I certainly wouldnt be having any more children with someone like that, or actively encourage him not to see them.

Thing is though, its not so easy as just replacing him with another father figure. As much as we all dislike it, he is their dad and always will be. No one will ever replace him. The dc's are old enough that they still remember him well, and they love and miss him. They ask about him all the time. You can't just tell them 'Well, I've given up trying to make him give a shit because he clearly doesn't'. All you can do is keeping trying.

MakeMyWineADouble Tue 11-Oct-16 23:20:51

Your Dsis has made the choice not to confront on FB incase Dc's find it when they are older. I don't see it would be any better if they found you confronting him! His a dick for not having a relationship with his dcs! You can't change that, but if you confront him in this way you give him an excuse. I couldn't be around because fedup and family were so mean ect, the best thing you both can do is block them both and focus on being there for the children's as the realise what an arse of a father they have! I do totally get why you want to but I do think it's best not too!

milkyface Wed 12-Oct-16 08:35:53

This is really petty.

If your sister is so concerned that her children aren't seeing her dad surely she would take him to mediation at least? If he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't want to see them, nobody can force him. Yes it makes him a shit father but it's true unfortunately he doesn't have to maintain contact if he doesn't want to.

As for the debt thing why didn't she just give them his address in the first place if it's a joint debt?

It all sounds a bit tit for tat, well you don't see your kids, so I'm gonna pass your address on to the debt collectors.

If she's serious she needs to see a mediator first and foremost, if she wants to be able to say to her kids that she tried everything then she actually needs to do that surely?

I am not saying it's up to her to make sure contact is maintained, but if she desperately wants her kids to see their dad she could try mediation, if he doesn't want to see them, then unfortunately that's that.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 12-Oct-16 09:55:27

He won't go to mediation. He has absolutely no interest in having any form of contact with DSis. As I said he will only communicate via his gf.

The problem is he keeps saying that he is desperate to see them, misses them so much, etc etc poor woe is me. Yet he never actually does anything to see them, something else always comes up or he needs the money he was going to use for something else, blah blah blah. He says all the right things but when it comes to actual actions, something else is always the priority.

I think with the debt thing she just felt that there was no point passing on the address before, he hasn't got the money to pay it anyway. So yeah it probably would be petty to pass it on now but I guess she's just finally got to the point where she feels angry that she has had to go through insolvency to get rid of this debt which is largely his fault in the first place and he shouldn't be able to just get away with not dealing with his share.

Anyway, I did post on a photo of theirs, but only to post a pic of DN's and say it has been almost a year since he's seen them. Not nasty at all. There has since been a response to say that he is coming to see them in the half term but he's said that every half term so I'm not holding my breath!

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