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To think my DP should tell me these things?

(25 Posts)
Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:42:01

My DP has over the years kept several things from me such as hiding and lying about smoking (very anti smoking as my DF has COPD due to smoking), lying about how much things cost saying £40 when it was more like £400. Now let me just say, I understand addiction and now I know about the smoking I have been supportive in helping him get help to stop which he wanted to do because we had a new baby. As for the money, once bills are paid by us both, what's his is his fair enough but I just don't understand why he wanted to lie to me? He had the cash and didn't get into debt to buy it so no issues from me apart from the lie.
Well tonight I'm supposed to be attending an online meeting and it was suggested I take some notes, I borrowed a notepad from his desk and when flipping through to find a blank page I have come across a signed agreement from someone stating they have received money for car repairs. When asked about it he said he had a bump (minor and also his car) and has covered the cost for repairs. Fair enough and an accident is an accident but I'm getting sick of him keeping things like this from me. AIBU?

reddotmum Tue 11-Oct-16 19:44:43

No excuse for lying but maybe your a bit judgey that's why he doesn't tell you. Anything for a quiet life. My sister is like this with her husband. She just doesn't tell him something's which don't affect him because otherwise it's a whole todo about it.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:44:53

Sorry for he rant and applying grammar, I'm just angry!

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:45:18

Oh god, stupid phone! I give up!

reddotmum Tue 11-Oct-16 19:45:33

How would you have reacted if he did tell you about the prang? Honestly?

Manumission Tue 11-Oct-16 19:46:54

Yes, if you say supportive things but exude disapproval, he's getting a mixed message.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:51:06

Honestly - these things happen.
It's not a big deal, car accidents happen all the time.
The things I tend to get furious about are lies. I am a reasonable person provided I'm not lied to. At least I thought I was...
I have noticed his family lie to each other all the time so I think he just thinks it's ok.

Manumission Tue 11-Oct-16 19:53:49

Maybe try making a point of extreme reasonableness (with no edge) when you do find things out, so that he loses the fear of being straight with you?

Dontpanicpyke Tue 11-Oct-16 19:55:28

Sorry op I think if you were a bloke posting you would be flamed as being controlling.

Adults can smoke! It's his business.

Car repairs paid for by him? So what?

Might be unfair here but you coming across as controlling and like a parent and child relationship

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:55:42

Manumission There have been so many conversations like this, I've lost count. He still does it. Guess I'll keep trying.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 19:59:20

It's just something I'd tell him about. We live together. Surely it's news from the day when you sit down and have a natter and a glass of wine together or a coffee?
Maybe I'm wrong, I just thought it's something I'd mention as part of my day, that's all.

Manumission Tue 11-Oct-16 20:00:35

He does sound a bit conflict-averse cowardly but realistically you can't change his personality, can you?

If proving there's no need to lie to you already isn't working, you probably do have a sticky problem there.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 11-Oct-16 20:05:02

He didn't tell you about the prang so he can keep his untainted image.
He keeps his spending looking small so he can nag you about yours.

reddotmum Tue 11-Oct-16 20:08:07

Hmmmm. Don't remember OP saying he nags her. Does he OP?

WingsofNylon Tue 11-Oct-16 20:12:06

It is strange if he regularly doesn't share information with you. Have you asked him why he does it?

ShyFox Tue 11-Oct-16 20:12:22

My DFs family are like this. DF isn't so bad but my cousins would lie about stuff that didnt make sense to lie about. E.g they would lie about what they had for tea or where they had been that day. It wasn't just the kids even my aunt and uncle did it. If we pulled them up on it they wouldnt say anything. It was bloody annoying not to mention weird.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 20:41:10

No he doesn't nag me. I would be inclined to let him know if there was a larger spend coming up just incase he was planning something else that would require my contribution, so I'm not sure why he doesn't do it in return.
He just sees lying as part of life. When i asked why he keeps doing it that's what he said. This view is not something I've known about until recently. Ever since we got together I was open about being very against lies.
His older lies he states are due to his state of mind at the time (depression) but now he's deemed himself as 'better' he states he just sees lying as something that happens and is part of life.

Not ideal and not healthy in my view for a good relationship.

Anyway I'm obviously doing something wrong as he can't see where I'm coming from with hiding things or not disclosing things.

I just thought something like pranging your car would be something you mention when discussing how you day went. I guess not.

CalleighDoodle Tue 11-Oct-16 20:44:46

Dont marry him. Dont have children with him.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 20:46:34

Too late

Nanny0gg Tue 11-Oct-16 20:51:03

Adults can smoke! It's his business.

Disagree. That's a deal-breaker for some (me, for example). However, I'm stunned that the OP has never noticed the smell.

ToastDemon Tue 11-Oct-16 21:02:23

People are entitled to deal breakers. Lots of people wouldn't want to marry a smoker. What next? It's his dick he can fuck who he likes?
I don't understand why it's supposedly OPso fault the guy's a liar. But some people think it's always the woman's fault.

LottieDoubtie Tue 11-Oct-16 21:18:58

I think it's a depression thing and he is not as 'better' as he says.

I speak from weary experience but DH does this - because he fears my reaction, trust me when I say I have looked long and hard at myself and come to the reluctant conclusion that his fears are based in depression/anxiety and not fact. flowers it's horrible, all you can do it keep trying to make him understand your POV.

Ohyesiam Tue 11-Oct-16 21:36:24

Some people who lie like this, it's a confidence thing, like they can't argue their own case. So a prang would need to be hidden, as they can't bear criticism, because theu already have a low opinion of them selves, and they don't want to take your disapproval. I was close to some one like that and she lied allthetime, about everything, basically because she couldn't handle being normal and human and make mistakes, she felt she had to be perfect. It's crazy making.
I'm not sure your dh is being honest when he say s he thinks lying is normal, or he wouldn't have blamed his early lies on depression.
I guess you have to get across that it's unacceptable to you. He must know that it's not possible to trust someone who is a known and self confessed liar, and that it's not possible to have a good relationship without trust. Ask him what he needs to be honest. Maybe offer Unconditional acceptance when he tells you stuff, like no blaming, nagging, criticism.
Hope you find some resolve.

Stripeyblanket Tue 11-Oct-16 21:36:50

That gives me some hope Lottie.
I do try to understand and I was wary when he decided to reduce (albeit gradually) and then come off antidepressants after 2 years of taking them. He decided he was ready so I supported the decision.

LottieDoubtie Tue 11-Oct-16 21:53:07

I'm glad it helps. A DH who you love very much but who's behaviour is affected by depression isn't easy flowers for you.

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