AIBU to think that having an affair is not comparable to running up credit card debts?

[whatthefuckjusthappened]

I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. It's been fucking awful. I knew that we were having problems but thought that we were going to work through them, not that he was looking outside the marriage.

During an early 'all cards on the table, let's be honest' conversation, I confessed to him that I have run up a couple of credit card debts. We are polar opposites with money - he is careful/tight/worries about it, and I like to spend. I have admitted that my spending is a problem and that I think I do it to fill a void because I have been depressed, as well as to get the things that I want to buy that he would say no to. The debts have been on two cards and all in my name. I have said that I would want help to conquer this issue and am prepared to seek that.

With this information, I feel that he is now minimising and deflecting away from his affair to what I have done. I am trying my best to get us on an even keel and into counselling so that we can move forward amicably, whether together or apart. But he is still not being transparent about his affair, or giving me any time or space I think I (and our children) need.

For instance, we are only two and a half weeks on from me finding out about his affair - he has been staying with a friend, but is pressuring me to have a key to our house (I changed the locks) and to be able to hang out in our house with the children when he sees them, rather than take them out, or to his friends house, or to his parents house. I have said no for the moment until things are more settled, but he is being very bullying and cruel about it.

So, I guess I'm asking if I am unreasonable to think that his affair, and my debt, are in the same ball park? Do you think he is right to compare them and that it takes away from what he has done?

Please be honest with me, but gentle as I am not in a good place at all at the moment.

Thanks.

[Somerville]

Not equivalent and he is minimising.

You know this.

Don't give him a key. Don't even let him in the house at this point. Waaaay too early.

[FleurThomas]

They're both big breaches of trust considering they were both done in secret. Have known people try to kill themselves because spouses have run up huge secret debts in joint names. So yeah you're both in the wrong.

Having said this, however, your dh sounds like a dick. I suggest you don't back down over the key and get a strong support network around you.

[user1471426807]

It is possible to undo credit card debts, it's impossible to undo an affair. YANBU.

[Newbienew]

He's a twat and deflecting. Not in the same country let alone ballpark!
Take care of yourself x

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

An affair is a massive breach of trust. The only way credit card debts could be anywhere close to this would be if they were so large as to threaten the stability of the family e.g. risking repossession.

He is trying to minimise what he has done and deflect blame on to you. Tell him to get lost.

[statetrooperstacey]

Well they are both damaging to your relationship and both involve deception.
However, he has absolutely no right to try and 'bargain' away his affair in some sort of quid pro quo scenario. Cheeky fucker. I bet he was thrilled when you told him to be honest, " ha, whatthefuckjusthappened has messed up I can use that to deflect attention from my affair". Just no. That's not on. Both serious issues, however both separate, do not let him get away with that. Also don't let him Brow beat you into anything you are not ready for.

[RoseGoldHippie]

Absolutely not the same thing whatever way you look at it! YANBU

[SaturdaySurprise]

I know you're not asking this, but you can't lock him out of the home if you're married and co-owners or co-tenants. It just winds me up when changing the locks is suggested on MN.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-change-the-locks/

[TheNaze73]

You say he is frugal etc. The effect on him on what you did with the credit cards, will be huge & is a complete breach of trust. It's bad in my opinion but, not as bad as an affair

[BertrandRussell]

Credit cards are in the OP's name. None of her partner's business.

[Toffeelatteplease]

For me hidden credit card debt would be worse than an affair.

But a relationship isn't a competition over whose done or can do the shittiest thing.

he doesn't have to/might not be able to forgive you the credit card debt because he had an affair and vice versa.

Seems neither of you have been working together towards a joint future

[phillipp]

I think they are comparable. But not quite the same.

Both are a huge breech of trust and basically saying 'what I want comes first'.

He sounds like a dick, but also don't think banning him from the house you both own is right either. And legally he has a right to access the house.

I don't think it's right to say he can't see the kids in his and their house.

Why do the kids need space from him?

I understand he has done a shit thing. Really shit and you must be so hurt. But the marriage clearly had problems before this. You both have different values and keep big secrets from each other.

You need to find a way to move forward, wether that's together or not, is your choice.

[seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom]

It is possible to undo credit card debts, it's impossible to undo an affair. YANBU.

Exactly this.

However, obvously not good to have run up CC debt in 'secret'. But, if the CC debt is in your name AND you have the means to repay it from your own income without risking the stability/security of your family it's really not the same thing.

[Careforadrink]

Yanbu

He's minimising as another poster says.

[Maroonie]

Tit for tat attitudes won't make for a good recovery from an affair.
If your credit card debt was a deal breaker for him then he had the opportunity to split. Carrying on then using it as an excuse for his behaviour is unreasonable

[gillybeanz]

Yes, it is equivalent, you have both been deceitful, sorry.
He will minimise though as the script says.
You both sound incompatible anyway, so maybe time to call it a day.
Sorry he has been unfaithful.

[RoseanneDownton]

It is possible to undo credit card debts, it's impossible to undo an affair. YANBU.

Exactly this.

[Boogers]

For me hidden credit card debt would be worse than an affair

Seriously? The OP has run up debts on a card, but that's hardly equatable to fucking someone else.

OP they are totally different and you both know it. He's just using it as leverage to justify why he's a better person than you. Yes, you've been a bit dishonest with credit cards. He's had an affair. He's disciplined with money. Good for him. Shame he couldn't extend that to being disciplined with his dick.

How are you feeling? What do you feel your options are? How long have you known about his affair?

[RealityCheque]

Ffs let him back into HIS house. If either of you want to split then split.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

They're both big breaches of trust considering they were both done in secret. Have known people try to kill themselves because spouses have run up huge secret debts in joint names. So yeah you're both in the wrong.

I agree.

It is illegal for you to change the locks and not give him a key.

[Sonders]

I think both are pretty awful (but cheating worse). Yes, you can repay credit cards but you also broke trust in the relationship.

To be fair, if it's the kind of relationship where you're both hiding something this big it doesn't exactly sound great!

[BadLad]

They're both bad, and there seems to be a danger that both or you are using what the other person did to minimise what you did.

How much is the debt? A few hundred, that could be paid off with a few months of tightened belts, I could live with. Thousands of pounds, which would take years to pay off, and mean we were permanently worse off financially than I had thought, and I'd be gone.

That said, I wouldn't stick around after being cheated on either.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut]

The thing is though, if it hadn't came out about the affair would you have admitted the debt?
Did you see that as your way out? Almost like well cheating is far worse so he can't be mad.
Me personally, I wouldn't continue the relationship he's broken your trust and you've broken his.

[OohMavis]

You can pay off a credit card, he can't un-stick his dick in someone else.

[Toffeelatteplease]

It is possible to undo credit card debts, it's impossible to undo an affair. YANBU.

Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is only possible if everyone cuts back to pay off your debt.

Running up debts and lying about it shows a complete disrespect for everyone around you. It is unspeakably selfish. I'm going to spend this regardless of whether we actually have it or not. And your going to sort it out because credit card debt can be undone right? No biggie.

It has all the deceit of the affair all the breaking up of the family. Only now when you start again you have to do so with significantly less not just because that's what happens when families part but also because assets are gone to settle the debt.

It's shit. To me way more shit than an affair. But each to their own.

Either way a successful relationship isn't a race to the bottom.