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anyone else's dd not care how they look?

(229 Posts)
Castasunder Tue 11-Oct-16 08:42:39

She is 9. Makes a massive fuss when I brush her hair. It's long, fine and wispy so looks incredibly scraggly. Obviously I brush it anyway and tie it up, but every day without fail she pulls it out. She puts the clips and hair ties wherever she's happens to be , so I have to buy new ones constantly. I had more tolerance for this when she was younger, but she's almost 10 and pulls her hair out like a toddler, and then spends the day peering out from a curtain of hair at everyone. She looks really really scruffy and I have tried everything to convince her of this. She thinks she looks fine. Yesterday I told her to leave her hair alone, but of course she came him with it all straggled around her face and eyes. She had thrown the clip and hair tie away. She wears glasses as well so it gets stuck in the frames.

WIBU to cut it short? She is obviously never going to tolerate clips and hair ties. She's gone off to school today without my even brushing it because I've lost the will to care any more.

RealityCheque Tue 11-Oct-16 08:45:11


Have you asked her if she would like a shorter style?

Swearwolf Tue 11-Oct-16 08:45:48

If she's happy with it I would stop putting it up, but keep brushing it. Maybe a trim to tidy up the ends and stop it looking straggly. It might be that she doesn't care how she looks, or it might be the opposite, and she feels better about how she looks with her hair down. I hate how I look with my hair up and am pretty sure I did by 9!

Nickname1980 Tue 11-Oct-16 08:46:17

No don't cut it short or give her hassle about it or force her to sit still while you do your hair. My mum used to do this to me and I hated it when she brushed and fussed with my hair.

And I used to take it out every day when I'd get to school as a bit of defiance.

She cut it all off to punish me (and it looked stupid).

Try to encourage her to choose things she'd like and do her hair herself. Some headbands that go all the way around? You know, those stretch ones?

Or does it really matter that its loose?

PikachuLovesMilk Tue 11-Oct-16 08:46:27

You could be writing about my daughter. She is 8 and has recently grown her fringe out. She doesn't like brushing it or washing it and spends all weekend hiding behind it. Like you I have threatened to cut it off but has made no difference. I'm hoping it's a phase.

PikachuLovesMilk Tue 11-Oct-16 08:47:51

However she will have it back for school as it's part of the uniform code and she's a sticklar for rules!

DonkeyOaty Tue 11-Oct-16 08:48:38

Certainly get a decent cut to help you both manage it better. And get regular cuts too.

Not wanting to bother with her hair is fine, it really is; try not to comment on her appearance.

You say she pulls her hair out - you don't mean literally pulling it out by the roots do you? Because that's a worry.

EdmundCleverClogs Tue 11-Oct-16 08:50:09

Yabu, it's her hair, why should she put up with annoying clips and such (although, at her age she should certainly brush it herself). I would get a hair magazine, let her have a look and decide for herself if she wants it short. I have her hair type, I wish I could have it long but it goes mad whatever I do with it. Once a year I chop it all off and 'start again', but fine and wispy is the worst kind of hair. Sounds like it needs a trim regardless, it will mostly likely have many damaged ends.

NoFuchsGiven Tue 11-Oct-16 08:51:42

It sounds like they style she has is not manageable for either of you. Don't necessarily get it cut short but at least get her fringe cut so it is not going in her eyes.

MrsJayy Tue 11-Oct-16 08:52:09

Maybe she just hates it up if it is fine it might feel pully and tuggy so this is why she is taking it out would she wear a hairband ? and tbh its her hair give her 3 years and she wont leave it aline

Castasunder Tue 11-Oct-16 08:53:08

No I mean pulling the single hair tie out. I certainly don't fuss with her hair (I'm rubbish at it). She catches nuts a lot so I tie it up for that reason and also because it's so fine that it honestly looks terrible. This probably sounds awful but I think she gives a terrible impression of herself. She's been complaining that some girls at school are picking on her and although I'm dealing with that separately, I've explained the importance of keeping yourself neat and tidy to boost confidence outwardly. She literally walks around with a pile of hair in front of her face. I cannot stress how terrible it looks. Brushing it is screaming blue murder every morning as it is, but it's pointless anyway as its so fine that it looks scraggy again within a half hour. My dd doesn't even bother to sweep it from her eyes, just stands there communicating through a wall of hair grin

sooperdooper Tue 11-Oct-16 08:53:15

If her hair is fine and wispy why insist on it being long? It'd be better cut into a bob and it doesn't sound much fun for anyone it being long

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 11-Oct-16 08:53:58

I could have been your daughter. I'm nearly 46 and still don't give a shit as long as I'm clean.

Please don't hassle her about this. It feels like you are being told that how you look is more important than anything else. And it has made me self conscious around my DM all my life.

Plus she's nine - be grateful she isn't hassling you for the latest clothes

Dixiechickonhols Tue 11-Oct-16 08:55:01

Look at pictures together and try and agree a style then go to a decent hairdressers.
A style without clips and bobbles. If it is in her eyes it is a health hazard. I wouldn't tolerate throwing bobbles away/carelessness with them, they cost money plus hassle to replace. Some in yr 5 at DD's school have nice short bobs seems to be a thing to have hair cut at that age.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 11-Oct-16 08:55:04

she gives a terrible impression of herself

And if she does that that's up to her, surely?

MrsJayy Tue 11-Oct-16 08:56:43

I would buy an Alice band see how she goes or loose plaints 18yr old Dd used to a complete pain with her hair was the bane of my life <sigh>

sirfredfredgeorge Tue 11-Oct-16 08:56:59

So you keep telling her that her choice of hair looks horrible and how she's not "neat and tidy" and needs to be "neat and tidy"

And you're saying she has self confidence issues...

user1476140278 Tue 11-Oct-16 08:59:07

Cut her a fringe in if she doesn't want it short. Then she can see. Also get ends trimmed regularly and encourage an alice band.

TooMinty Tue 11-Oct-16 08:59:09

If she's being bullied at school, maybe she is feeling insecure and trying to hide behind her hair? Possibly if that gets sorted you might find the hair issues stop too?

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - just do like others have suggested and quietly ask her if she'd like a different style. Maybe enlist your hairdresser to help her decide?

Tarttlet Tue 11-Oct-16 08:59:45

"This probably sounds awful but I think she gives a terrible impression of herself."

You're right, it does. Lay off your daughter - she's only 9!

Dixiechickonhols Tue 11-Oct-16 09:00:01

I wonder if the hiding behind hair is a coping mechanism. A physical barrier between her and the world. Hope you can get the picking on sorted. Does she do activities which may help with self esteem if school is tough for her at the minute. A short style may save hair becoming a big battleground.

Castasunder Tue 11-Oct-16 09:02:48

I don't insist on it being long- she does. Screams blue murder about haircuts.

My DD is actually very girly, won't wear trousers ( which is an issue in itself as even on freezing days or trips to the woods lol) and loves to fuss over herself. It's her hair she has issues with . Thinking about it she has issues with clothes full stop cos she is weird about socks and pants and only wears certain types. Have seen her trying o wear same pair of socks several days in a row because she doesn't like the seams on other ones. It's a fight every day. I am so tired of it. Mornings are getting worse as she gets older, not better.

Have to go to work but all responses appreciated. Will check back in shortly

Dixiechickonhols Tue 11-Oct-16 09:06:16

Have a look a the highly sensitive child/sensory issues.

RoseValleyRambles Tue 11-Oct-16 09:07:34

Brushing wise, have you tried a tangle freezer? Makes long hair so much easier to care for.

RoseValleyRambles Tue 11-Oct-16 09:08:09

Eek! Tangle teezer

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