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Annoyed with DH and SIL

(55 Posts)
LillyHelen Tue 11-Oct-16 00:28:24

My DH's nephew was abroad for a while. He met someone there and decided to get married back home. She would travel with her parents to meet him and his family, where a small engagement ceremony would take place. My SIL arranged a small gathering. She did not invite anyone from her family apart from my husband. The other side were a bigger crowd but DH's nephew was with his parents, brother and uncle (my DH). Well I wasn't invited, neither were SIL's DH's siblings. We were not really told about the gathering properly. SIL and her family travelled to the capital during midweek and my DH was told to travel for the weekend because the girlfriend's uncle wanted to meet him (bizarre!). Anyway one day before the engagement, which took place at the girlfriend's relatives house my husband was asked to prepare for a short speech. I was so upset when he told me that and asked to give him ideas for the speech. I am so annoyed with my SIL for arranging this gathering with my DH and not inviting me. She says she did not know what the GF's family would be like and was not sure that the gathering would happen 100%. Therefore she did not invite anyone other than my DH. She did not even apologise for not inviting me. My DH agrees that she did nothing wrong. He says this was not planned in advance which I find difficult to believe as SIL had bought engagement rings before travelling. I would have wanted to be there and witness my husband making a speech. Our 13 year old daughter was actually in tears when she found out. This was a family event and I think we should have been there as a family. If they didn't want us there then my DH should not have been there either. AIBU?

LilQueenie Tue 11-Oct-16 00:46:11

Im confused. how long did the couple know each other before getting married? it all seems a bit weird. She wasn't sure what the GF would be like or the gathering would even happen? I would think there was something to hide. what does your DH have to say about it. I dont think you are being unreasonable.

Jedimum1 Tue 11-Oct-16 00:47:17

Why can't they invite you now? Why can't you go? YANBU, I'd have expected to all go to a family gathering, especially if it's to meet a new family member and her family. Weird that your DH thinks it's normal.

Flyingbellycopters Tue 11-Oct-16 01:06:48

Why would the mother be buying engagement rings?! That's seriously weird.
It was small gathering and doesn't seem like big deal. You can go to wedding.

PerspicaciaTick Tue 11-Oct-16 01:11:52

Are you looking for an excuse to start a family rift, or is this a one-off situation which would be better ignored for the sake of domestic harmony?

Fuzzywuzzywasabear Tue 11-Oct-16 01:12:00

I assume it it's cultural and the marriage is arranged in some way so not a traditional engagement in the western sense of getting down on one knee.... is that correct OP?

Liiinoo Tue 11-Oct-16 01:12:34

It all sounds very odd and I can see why you are annoyed about not being invited but I'm not sure why you are annoyed at your DH. Surely it was better that at least one of you was there? If my sister was similarly insane and only invited me to her son's wedding I would roll my eyes in exasperation, kiss my DH and head off to enjoy the festivity.

We have had two family weddings in the last 10 years where only siblings/best mates were invited. At one wedding not even the bride's mother made the cut. I am very fond of both brides so was sad not to be there but people do what they need to do.

EverySongbirdSays Tue 11-Oct-16 01:19:02

Is this a cultural thing?

I've never heard of an "engagement ceremony" but I do know there are certain ceremonies done before marriage in religions like Hinduism. In that instance only specific relations are required... brides sister, or closest female relative, grooms closest male etc. It sounds like his Uncle was required but it wouldn't be expected for his aunt by marriage...

If it is a cultural thing, you are being over dramatic, sorry. If it's not cultural/religious a "ceremony" is confused which is what makes me think it is.

EverySongbirdSays Tue 11-Oct-16 01:28:54

Is it this?

Engagement Vidhi
Sankalpa and Poonyahvachanam
Request by the Groom’s father for the bride’s hand for his son. Bride’s father’s approval ·
Bride’s father and his daughter propose the marriage at the appropriate Muhurtam. ·
Groom’s father and his son reconfirm the proposal.
Bride worships Shachi for the success of the future marriage ·
Mangal Aarati of the bride by 5 women
Bride and the Groom exchange the rings.
Formal engagement Announcement, Ashirvad, Congratulations.

The ceremony should last about 45 minutes.

In which case it's the Bride/Groom and their respective parents - female relations of the bride and that's it. And the groom/grooms family would provide the rings.

YABU OP Is dh is standing in for an absent father?

FleurThomas Tue 11-Oct-16 05:56:20

Are you Indian/Pakistani? If so - Perhaps the brides side paid for it all/don't like your sil's familt & wouldn't give her enough 'numbers' to invite more people? That's the only reason I can think of for not inviting the mother's brothers' wives/children in an Indian/Pakistani ceremony - they're usually the most inportant in terms of family members, as they're usually expected to contribute financially.

TaterTots Tue 11-Oct-16 07:42:23

You say your brother-in-law's siblings weren't invited either. You weren't singled out. I think you're being over-dramatic.

LillyHelen Tue 11-Oct-16 12:54:33

Thanks for all your messages. You are right it is a cultural thing but not Indian/Pakistani. The nephew and his GF met 4 months ago, they fell in love and agreed to get married. They told their parents who agreed in principle but wanted to meet up and have a ceremony. This would be like a normal party where the parties to be engaged will have rings put on with a red ribbon tied to each other and someone cuts the ribbon and makes a speech. It is a family gathering and usually close family would be invited. There are no rules as to who shall be invited. My SIL did not want anyone to meet the other family but only my DH. I don't know why she did not want anyone else (fear of them not turning out to be decent?!) However I think what annoys me is the fact that she considers my DH as the extension to her family. She can add him whenever she wants. Maybe I am BU in this occasion I don't know. I don't want her to feel and act that my DH is free to take away without his DW whenever it suits her. Otherwise I have no objections for my DH to help her if she needs his help in a difficult situation for example.

TantrumsAndBalloons Tue 11-Oct-16 13:05:49

I must be reading this all wrong.

You're upset that she is "taking your DH away from you"?
Your 13 year old is in tears?

This is a short party on one day isn't it? Or did I miss the part where you dh had to leave home for a year in order to attend??

TheNaze73 Tue 11-Oct-16 13:07:54

I'm as confused as Tantrums

That's how I've read it too

LagunaBubbles Tue 11-Oct-16 13:08:47

* If they didn't want us there then my DH should not have been there either*

Well then surely your issue is with your DH and not your SIL?

Costacoffeeplease Tue 11-Oct-16 13:16:29

I'm not getting it either - surely it's up to your husband to accept or decline, or insist you accompany him?

Sonders Tue 11-Oct-16 13:43:06

YABU, I know it's not what you want to hear but it sounds like a massive overreaction. The whole thing maybe a 4/10, but you seem to be reacting like it's a 10/10.

SIL undoubtedly knows you're her family, but on this occasion didn't think it appropriate to invite you. She probably felt awful about it already and now you seem determined to cause an almighty family rift.

I think you need to get over it, and explain to your teenager that these things happen sometimes.

LillyHelen Tue 11-Oct-16 13:44:59

DH has not been taken away for long, you are right. It is only a weekend. We were told he was going to meet with the GF's uncle. We didn't know that he was to attend the party. It appears to be a last minute thing. Everything is done and dusted. However the photos and the memories are without us. SIL has shared those moments with my DH where he cut the ribbon tied to the rings and made a speech. We were not told that this was going to happen. SIL says it was a last minute thing which doesn't feel like. My DH was told the GF's uncle would come single to meet him. It was implied that he should come single. There were more relatives attending on the GF's family. For some reason my SIL wanted my DH to be single. Perhaps that made it easier for her to explain to the other relatives such as BIL's sisters why they were not invited. She does not hate me and I am sure she may not have minded that I attended. However she did not want me because it made it easier for her to explain to the rest of the family that it was a low key party. If I was there too, she would have a harder time to explain why the other relatives were not invited. I feel we should have been there as a couple.

pinkdelight Tue 11-Oct-16 14:00:54

Assuming DH is your SIL's brother, then they do have their own relationship and you and him shouldn't have to come as a package. Surely your DH can do things with his side of the family that don't have to involve you and the DC? I don't see why it's a big deal. Sounds like you don't like the SIL much anyway, with the "whenever it suits her" stuff. He's your husband and her brother. No need for rivalry.

pinkdelight Tue 11-Oct-16 14:04:42

Just seen your update - "However the photos and the memories are without us. SIL has shared those moments with my DH"

This is OTT for me. So strange to have memory envy. Your DH can have moments without you. And you can go out as a family and make some nice memories. This ceremony doesn't sound that thrilling and SIL's reasoning is sound, that if she invites you then someone else gets pissed off at not being invited and so it spirals. YABU and a bit weird, sorry.

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 11-Oct-16 14:07:34

Your dh has not been "taken" away at all, unless he was thrown in the back of a white van and given no choice?

And your dh is "Free to take away", he can go where he likes

This is all very strange but you sound very dramatic and I suspect that is influencing your daughters dramatics. Your husband made a speech to a small group he did not address the nation. Would it be nice it be invited? Yes, but was the day about you? No, is it ok to be disappointed? Yes, is ir OTT to be angry and crying? Yes

QueenofallIsee Tue 11-Oct-16 14:10:42

SIL is your husband sister? Was he there as the senior male of her family i.e. their father has passed on?

i think you are being a bit dramatic but I am a brit and we don't do this kind of ceremony so not sure what it implies if you are not there

EverySongbirdSays Tue 11-Oct-16 14:23:54

So it's the Turkish engagement ceremony

Agreement to marry (söz kesimi) follows the process of asking the prospective bride’s hand in marriage. Both families who reached an agreement by way of “Dünürcülük” (women sent out to inquire about a prospective bride) agree on marriage before crowded guests, which is called “Söz Kesme” (agreement to marry). Engagement is completed by attaching a ring and an embroidered kerchief bought by the prospective bridegroom’s family. In some regions “Söz kesimi” is also called small engagement ceremony. Sweet dessert (ağız tatlılığı) brought by prospective bridegroom’s family is distributed to guests immediately after agreement by both parties to marry their children. Even today in some regions the prospective bridegroom is not present at the time of this ceremony. According to the attitude of the prospective bride’s father the bridegroom who is present in the bride’s home and the prospective bride both kiss the hands of the elder guests. Thus, the ceremony held for agreement to marry is completed.

It sounds like the girl is Turkish and your nephew is British. The grooms immediate relatives need to be there, and your SIL hasn't included you and DD because she doesn't know if it's "the done thing" and doesn't want to give offence.

The brides uncle will be there so she has invited the grooms...

As a side note, siblings can't have "memories together" post marriage? YABU and I bloody hate "making memories" you can't dictate that someone will a) enjoy a day and b) lodge it in their mind as a day they'll recall forever more - that is not how memory works

Sorry it sounds like I'm handing your arse to you OP, I don't intend to be nasty, it must suck to feel left out of an event, but malicious intent clearly is not there on the part of SIL it sounds like she is conscious of "getting it right" she hasn't invited her DH's family either you say?

LillyHelen Tue 11-Oct-16 15:11:33

I am not against my husband doing things with his sister of course! He is the younger brother by the way not head of family . I was upset that I was not invited to this family event. Normally invites would be made to siblings and their spouses. However my husband wasn't invited as such. He was not told that he would attend this party. He was asked to go to London to meet the uncle which is bizarre. The uncle cancelled the meeting at the last minute and my DH was asked to go to the party. Whether this is coincidence or there is a plan I don't know. Everysongbird yes it was a Turkish low key engagement ceremony. The couple and their families are Turkish origin.
I am not sure if the responses would be different if this had been SIL's birthday party and only my DH attended. Nobody was invited but my DH was asked to be in London to meet someone. Then last minute DH's meeting was cancelled and he was asked to attend the birthday party. If I change the scenario to a BD party will it be easier to grasp?

I understand that SIL can invite whoever she wants. It is her son's engagement ceremony. However it is a custom to invite couples together and quite rude to ask your brother to come single to such a family event. I feel she got round this obstacle by inventing a meeting for my husband with the uncle of the GF. I am gutted that she does sneaky things like that and fools everyone that things just happened. If she had openly told me that she did not want me to attend because of whatever reason, that would not look good on her. Plus I cannot do the same to her and keep her at a distance because she is my DH's sister. DH will want her to be there at our daughter's special days, which I understand. I feel she always gets the best deal.

TantrumsAndBalloons Tue 11-Oct-16 15:20:06

No it doesn't make it any easier comparing it to a birthday party

Your husband is perfectly within his rights to see his sister whenever he wants without you. She is his family.

She didn't stop being his sister when he married you

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