To not bother making any effort with so called friends anymore?(34 Posts)
I have just had enough of being a good friend to people, and of being good enough when they want something, but then ending up being overlooked and unappreciated. I think from now on I'm not going to make any effort, or do anything nice for anyone. If people invite me to things and I'm free and want to go then I'll go but otherwise I think I'll keep myself to myself. I know it sounds harsh but I feel like it's all I can do as nothing is ever anything that I can challenge without looking silly, but it's hurtful all the same!
Tonight I phoned a friend for a chat to see how she is after recently splitting from her partner. We chatted for half an hour. I've supported her a lot since the split, both practically and emotionally. An hour later she did a facebook status tagging another friend in our group thanking her for phoning her and saying how lovely it was to chat to her. Not a mention of me!
Then another friend got married a couple of years ago. I'd always considered us to be 'best' friends as we've been good friends for over 20 years and again I've been supportive to her and always there for her. She picked the two other friends that we spend time with in a group to be her bridesmaids, and didn't even invite me to the wedding or the reception, just to the evening do!
And a third example; I had my 40th birthday last month. I often meet up with a group of 8 other friends. Only one of them remembered my birthday and got me a card. When one of the others turned 40 back in July the others arranged a collection for her, and a surprise meal out and generally made a fuss of her. I didn't even get a happy birthday from any of them except for the one that remembered. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want the moon on a stick but it would have been nice to have had a bit of an acknowledgement, given that they made such a fuss of the other friend when she turned 40.
That sounds hurtful. Sometimes it's not the nice ones who are appreciated but those with 'big' personalities, even if not particularly nice ones
It does sound like you need a better friendship group. I've only just commented tonight that I have the bestest friends in the whole widey world! I'm not bragging btw I'm just so appreciative of my mates who i know I can trust and rely on. Experiences such as yours are sad to read and don't get me wrong I've had 'friends' like that. I finally got wise and saw them for what they were, those type of ppl if you don't keep up the contact they certainly won't and you find you drift apart, no need for a falling out ir blazing row. Sorry you have been treated poorly by ppl you have invested time and effort in. But honestly find the sorta friends that you would like to have and foster those relationships. Best of luck. X
I feel like this today too!! But I also decided I'm giving too much of myself To people therefore granting them power in my life. I'm going to take a step back. Wishing you well OP
People can be surprisingly insensitive OP, this was demonstrated to me for the nth time this weekend by one of my so-called friends. Sorry you're having such a crap time.
I wonder if some of the others in the group are (unfortunately) good at dropping hints for what they'd like people to remember or invite them to do. I agree that real friends won't sideline you in such a way. There are people out there who'll have more compatible expectations of friendship with you, OP. It can be hard to find them but please don't give up! You've mentioned a few groups of friends but are there one or two people you get on well with individually?
I would totally not give a fuck op. Go to what you want to go to, expect nothing and give only what you feel like giving.
Proper friendships don't give a fuck about these matters. Then people want to do nice things for each other without expectation.
Move on, open your life up to new people. 50 is the new 40 and your 50th will be a riot of fun and appreciative friends
Yep you're right. These aren't true friends.
I would slowly disappear from their lives. No fuss just focus on developing new friendships. Don't give these old ones any of your time anymore. No need to be rude but just keep your distance.
Even if one of them actually notices and asks you about it, I doubt it will actually have any impact on behaviour. Just keep it all bright breezy and distant.
And set the tone with new friendships. Do t be too go giving too quickly.
I've had a few experiences like this with friends in recent years - people who I'd supported and helped, who disappeared when bad things happened to me - serious illness, etc. - and who I can no longer be bothered with. The hardest thing was feeling like it was somehow my own fault - not what they did, but the fact that I seemed to have chosen the wrong friends and spent a lot of time investing in people who turned out to be shallow and not very nice. It's taken me a long time to get over it, and to begin to realise that I was let down, and it wasn't my fault. for you - I hope you can find some truer friends
Thank you everyone for the replies. I just feel so hurt by it all and feel like there's just no point in making any effort anymore as nothing I do for anyone is ever appreciated, nor is my time appreciated. So many of my so called friends gush over other friends and I'm just overlooked constantly.
I've been mulling it all over and I'm just going to cut contact with those that have hurt me or not appreciated me. I have plenty of acquaintances and work colleagues to socialise with. I just can't face putting more energy and effort into friendships where it's all one sided and where they have plenty of energy to appreciate others but don't appreciate me.
It is unfortunately one of lifes more difficult lessons to learn. Nice people keep giving chances to, making excuses for and rationalising the behaviour of these non friends(as I shall now call them) because u/we are nice. At some point it dawns on you, you feel used especially when you are in times of need or celebration. Think positively about your decision and gently extract yourself from the non friends. I have done it not with a group but two specific people individually who drained me of every ounce of energy, time and filled me with their guilt, worry and issues. Then were nowhere when I was seriously ill or my happy life milestones and would leave me with their troubles on my mind and didn't contact to say sorted so they ok but I'm stressed (ie rang from abroad frantic, hysterical,tears re lost passport can I sort it is desperate! I drop everything do all I can,searches ring consulate you name it! No reply from her. I'm frantic now! Keep trying, end up tracking down hotel and ringing there. Oh She'd found it and gone bar and got drunk to celebrate! I kid you not! Non friends!)
I do wish you luck for a bright friendship filled future you will get there and it is lovely. X
Just cut contact, honestly.
I finally did it this summer. I hated the fb tagging (like cats pissing on their territory) and the constant feeling like a spare part. There were shit loads of other factors too, but God it feels good. One sent me a load of abuse, one just ignored me and deleted me, one is still a fb friend but I have no idea why. Two more I kept as friends - but tbh am now going to remove I think. They show no interest in me or my child, something pretty major happened to me I posted on fb and they didn't comment or like or interact, yet they did with others, and I just can't be bothered anymore.
That being said this weekend's events did show me who my true friends really were who rushed to help me.
These people aren't your real friends. They have you as an add on. And you're worth more.
Just another one to say I know exactly what you mean. I often feel like a second class friend in my group, whilst others are always being fussed after.
I console myself with the fact that I have other friends from outside the group plus lots of work colleagues and school gate acquaintances.
I'm slowly coming to the realisation that so called friends really aren't worth the energy.
You are right, I am sorry you have come to the realisation that they are not the good friends you think they are. They don't sound very nice, I think you are realising his little you mean to them, and it hurts. Ditch them. Hopefully in time you will make much nicer friends.
Delete them them and you will feel so much better. It is very cathartic!
OP I used to feel upset that I had done things for people and they didn't appreciate it.
I eventually came to the realisation that what I was doing was actually quite manipulative. That I was expecting friendship and loyalty out of some sense of recognition and gratitude.
Do you think you may have a similar sub-conscious thought process? People should be your friends because they like you, not like the things you do for them.
As other pp have said, I would gradually move away from them. And get rid of FB, it is the work of the devil.
I sympathise OP it's very hurtful. I have given up on a group of school mum 'friends' who are happy enough to be my friend when they need favour like help with a school pick up but regularly arrange nights out and don't bother to invite me. I look forward to the end of primary school so I don't have to be bothered with this any more
Agree with the others. They're not worth fretting over.
Although...I'm wondering whether the Facebook thing could be a genuine error. I've tagged the wrong friend before now. One guy's wife was surprised to see on Facebook that he was in a bar in Rome with me, given that ten minutes earlier he'd been sitting on their sofa with her, in Middlesex, watching Holby.
The wedding and birthday things are a disgrace. No excuses.
Ouch Hope you can find some better friends OP.
OP after several 'straws that broke the camels back' I distanced myself from 'friends'.
I live in a small town & it's been a very noticeable 'shift' I'm ok with it. It's definately got easier through time & I feel more balanced if that makes sense.
Sometimes I feel a bit lonely - I have friends & acquaintances but no on I could ring to say 'do you fancy going out for a bottle of wine' it's more play dates & the odd meal or coffee child free. Occasionally go out with other couples.
Obviously feeling lonely sometimes is much more preferable than being ill treated, embarrassed & feeling hurt.
I understand OP & wish you well!
I completely understand as I too have now given up. My best example of when I thought f you lot was my hen do. Every do at work 20 plus people go etc. Had my invite up for ages and only 2 people turned up! I was so hurt and upset that I generally don't bother with others anymore. So fed up of being let down. Now I spend my energy on DH, DD and DS who really deserve it
I've just recently had to accept that one of my old Nct friends (7 yrs) had decided that her new school mum friends are more 'fun' and 'exciting' than us and literally sort of ditched us overnight. I am a bit of a people pleaser and make huge amounts of efforts keeping friendships...Some are reciprocated and some are not. I've only just started to accept this and so have let go of some friendships that were totally one way...it's quite liberating and means I'm not constantly putting so much effort into people that just don't appreciate me.
It's not healthy and made me constantly anxious. Maybe you need to cut some ties and concentrate on the healthy friendships that you have instead.
Thanks again for the replies!
Several days later I still feel no different and am definitely in agreement with those that have said that it's better to be lonely than just be disappointed, excluded and embarrassed all the time. I feel as though anyone that I am friendly with at some point or another just likes to shove it in my face that they prefer others to me and that I'm unimportant to them.
I'm cutting off the lot of them and I feel happier for it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.