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To ask about how you feel when you're criticised

(38 Posts)
mrsblackcat Mon 10-Oct-16 14:11:57

I am having a hard time and I feel very "got at" by DH. Feel nothing I do is right, feel like I'm constantly on the defensive .

The thing is a lot of what he says is true but although I am trying I feel under pressure. Then things come out and they are worse as I've tried to hide them.

I am wondering if it's me not taking criticism well.

How do you react when criticised?

Arfarfanarf Mon 10-Oct-16 14:16:51

defensive initially. Angry.

Then my logical side kicks in and I digest what's been said and try to take a step backwards and think objectively about it and see if I can see any truth / their pov.

If I am struggling, I tend to say that I need a little time to think about it and that we will talk again later.

It's always best to have breathing space rather than get into it while you've not got control of your emotions.

LookingForStars Mon 10-Oct-16 14:22:30

What sort of stuff are you hiding from him?

positivity123 Mon 10-Oct-16 14:25:25

How does he say it? If it is rude and shouty then that is an issue, if it is a reasonable request "MrsBlackcat please can you put your cup in the dishwasher rather than leave it on the side?" then take a deep breath and realise he is making an OK request. Similarly you can ask him stuff.
Can not you give details?

Tunafishandlions Mon 10-Oct-16 14:30:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea Mon 10-Oct-16 14:31:35

It takes me back to my childhood and my lovely mother, who didn't understand the phrase 'constructive criticism'. She was alright with the destructive kind mind you.

thanks Op

BlurtonOnKites4eva Mon 10-Oct-16 14:35:33

I'm terrible at taking criticism, just get really angry and upset. I do calm down then digest it though if it's reasonable constructive criticism.

DP once criticised my washing up method, we had a mega argument and he's never criticised anything I've ever done since grin

OlennasWimple Mon 10-Oct-16 14:39:05

I am terrible about taking criticism. I know this, but I still feel defensive and angry, and it takes a lot for me to stop and acknowledge that they probably have a point.

But what are you trying to hide from your DH...?

DerelictMyBalls Mon 10-Oct-16 14:43:41

I don't think my DH ever criticises me. Sometimes he will ask me to do something differently, or suggest an alternative, but he only ever does it in a positive, gentle way.

Criticism at work, I try and put to use. Anyone else, I just shrug it off.

JellyBelli Mon 10-Oct-16 14:45:11

I like getting constructive critisism. It doesnt feel nice to realise I got something so wrong that someone else wants to pick me up on it. But it makes me feel the relationship is strong, and that they trust me to listen.
I dont like getting destructive critisism. Its an act of hostility.
I dont like people that cant give or take constructive critisism.

You dont say what it is you are doing, or how your partner give critisism, so its hard to say anything else. Is he being reasonable? What are you doing so wrong and so often that this is a constant issue? confused

brodchengretchen Mon 10-Oct-16 14:45:35

I used to take criticism personally sometimes, but nowadays I think it says more about the criticiser than the criticised.

BolshierAryaStark Mon 10-Oct-16 14:51:49

I'm shit at taking criticism & I can relate to your feeling of being 'got at'- am feeling pretty much the same at the moment.
[Flowers]

BolshierAryaStark Mon 10-Oct-16 14:52:22

hmm flowers

ShotsFired Mon 10-Oct-16 15:10:36

I am terrible at taking any criticism of me, however slight, as a deep slur against my very being. I will stew on it for days initially, but I don't think I ever let it go fully. It will always be there, slagging me off inside my head along with the rest of my negative inner monologue.

I take it better at work, insofar as I can put on an act and be all jolly hockey sticks, thanks for the constructive comments about it; but it is just an act and it stings and stays as much as any other kind.

It's pretty exhausting.

Gatehouse77 Mon 10-Oct-16 15:10:45

It depends on the delivery of the criticism as to my initial reaction but, generally speaking, I'll think about if it's justified or not by being as objective as I can.
It also depends on my mood at the time. If I'm in a bad mood or there's other stuff that I feel is a higher priority going on at the time I'm likely to be defensive - outwardly or internally. Later, when calmer or less pressured I'll mull it over and decide if it was justified and whether it needs addressing with whomever made the criticism.

ShotsFired Mon 10-Oct-16 15:12:26

My post just now aside, I find myself to be a dreadful critic. I can be horrendously nit picky and often make pointless critical comments just because.

I sound like a right peach, don't I?

PunySorrows Mon 10-Oct-16 15:13:41

This may not be about how you are at taking criticism at all - what exactly is he criticising you for and how/how often does he do it? Are we talking 'Please don't wake me up by turning on the light when you come to bed late' or 'Stop eating so much and hiding the chocolate wrappers, you fat slag - look at the state of you' every ten seconds, or something?

Hard to know without more information whether this is a reasonable request or a sign of an abusive dynamic.

TheNaze73 Mon 10-Oct-16 15:15:37

Depends on the context, despite the fact that I'm nearly always right wink

If it's justified, I take it on the chin, if it's not then I'd fight my corner

mrsblackcat Mon 10-Oct-16 15:18:54

Thanks, I'm pleased it's not just me who is bad at it smile

Sometimes I really do recognise he has a fair point but it's the way he approaches it. So like with the cup example, he'd probably pick it up and put it in the dishwasher himself, doing a big sigh and probably a tutting noise as well.

That enrages annoys me and I will start snapping. Then he will get all wounded saying he hadn't said anything.

Mostly though he just stores things up. So for instance money is tight. We are fine, not in debt or anything, but it's just there's hardly any wriggle room. So he gets annoyed if I spend any. But at the same time, he gets annoyed about me not making an effort to make friends. So I feel like I can't win because either I spend money on being sociable (I'm talking coffee and cake by the way not a mega night out!) or I'm not making any effort.

I think the problem is he wants to control everything all the time but he can't.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 10-Oct-16 15:19:06

It depends if it's constructive or not really.
If it's just dig dig dig all the time then it's not criticism.
It's just having a go for the sake of it.
Is this the tip of the iceberg?
Does he do other things as well?

PunySorrows Mon 10-Oct-16 15:21:14

He sounds like an arse, frankly. Why does he get to control household spending?

TemporarilyLost Mon 10-Oct-16 15:25:25

It depends. At work I'm quite comfortable in recognising my strengths and weaknesses and if people are criticising it's usually about something I know I need to improve on.

At home and with family I feel hurt by criticism but don't show it.

Are the criticisms you're receiving fair in your mind or is he just grinding you down by putting you down?

TemporarilyLost Mon 10-Oct-16 15:26:26

Sorry X post. It doesn't sound fair or reasonable.

JellyBelli Mon 10-Oct-16 15:29:23

From what you've said, he is not critisising you, he is being controlling, in a pretty nasty, passive aggressive way. He has it set up so whatever you do, you cant win.
That is not a nice way to live.

Tutting at a less than perfectly washed cup then claiming its ok because 'I havent said anything' is pathetic.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Mon 10-Oct-16 15:37:12

From my husband, unless it was constructive, I wouldn't appreciate it !
Turn the clocks OP, give him a sly taste of his own medicine.😡

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