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DS 13, social medias & blocking me...

(81 Posts)
Mysecretgarden Sun 09-Oct-16 18:23:43

My DS is 13 and spends more and more time on social media.
Recently I noticed and inappropriate post on his fb (porn) that a friend had posted on his wall.
I told him that it was not acceptable and to ask the friend not to post such things. Apparently it was a virus that did it.
But I have just noticed that he since has removed and blocked me from Facebook. I find it quite upsetting.
I have not been monitoring his use of social media closely. I do not snoop on his phone. This is however not helping to restore my trust.
AIBU to ask him to re-instate me as a friend?

PinkSwimGoggles Sun 09-Oct-16 18:25:04

ask him to restate it or you will have to remove his device(s).

NapQueen Sun 09-Oct-16 18:25:10

I'd say at 13 he shouldn't have to "friend" you, however he should submit his phone to you whenever you ask. Random spot checks on stuff, and no letting him take it to bed.

ayeokthen Sun 09-Oct-16 18:25:17

We had this with DSD13, we told her that she either gave us full access to her social media (there had been issues) or we cut her phone contract and change the wifi password. At 13 they still need monitoring online, it's really dangerous to give them free rein.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Sun 09-Oct-16 18:29:43

Remove the devices. Don't be soft on this stuff with regards to them 'having privacy' when dealing with online media accounts.

They need monitoring. My ex was a net work manager for a secondary school and some of the stuff he used to see on line on the school on line accounts would make you feel extremely worried.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable Sun 09-Oct-16 18:30:49

I haven't friended my 14 year old on any social media, he doesn't want me on and I don't want him on but I have access to his accounts

The porn thing probably is a virus btw, I've seen it loads of times

Mysecretgarden Sun 09-Oct-16 18:31:07

not sure if the issue is about what is posted on fb or on the fact that he is paranoid about his friends finding out that I am gay.
The timing seems to suggest his posts.

phillipp Sun 09-Oct-16 18:32:29

My dd is the same age. The rule is that we have access to her devices at all times.

She has actually chosen to add me to her social media. But even if she didn't I would be regularly checking. Even if you are friends you can't see private messages.

It's not snooping, it what's parents should be doing.

GingerIvy Sun 09-Oct-16 18:33:02

When my daughter was that age, the rule was that I had the passwords to all accounts, or she didn't have the accounts.

phillipp Sun 09-Oct-16 18:33:13

Oh and I have all her passwords so can check on my own device.

Her Apple ID is actually dhs so he can access it via our iPad whenever as well.

ayeokthen Sun 09-Oct-16 18:34:27

He doesn't have to add you as a friend if he gives you the passwords. Why would he care if people know you're gay? If his friends would be bothered he needs to get some better friends!

BowieFan Sun 09-Oct-16 18:34:43

Hmm, I'm a bit conflicted over this.

We don't have access to DS1 and DS2's (both 14) accounts although I do know on what sites they have their accounts. I haven't made them friend me and their instagrams are both private. I did (by accident) find DS1's twitter account, but there was nothing on there to bother me.

If I did suspect something then neither of them would have an issue handing over their devices to me. When we were worried about DS2 last year getting a couple of nasty messages on facebook he had no issues showing us his accounts. In the end, it turned out to just be a random troll but I trust them both enough to tell me anything really important if I wanted to look at their accounts, they'd let me.

The porn thing probably was a virus. My sister and friend have both had it.

Janey50 Sun 09-Oct-16 18:35:09

Simple. If he blocks you,YOU block HIS use of social media. Sorry but I wouldn't accept this crap nonsense from a 13 year old. Good luck OP.

BowieFan Sun 09-Oct-16 18:36:49

Having said that, I'm a teacher and am heavily involved with everything that's happening on social media, so if there's something I feel might affect DS1 and DS2 we'd be checking their accounts. When instagram was hacked I made sure they changed their passwords and they went through their followers with me checking they'd accepted each and every one of them.

GazingAtStars Sun 09-Oct-16 18:37:55

Don't take that off a 13 year old for God's sake he's a child and children should not be allowed free rein on the Internet! He doesn't have to friend you but I would be doing random checks and if he refused I would take his devices away

BishopBrennansArse Sun 09-Oct-16 18:38:10

In this house it's full access or devices get confiscated.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 09-Oct-16 18:39:19

Absolutely not , to being 'friends' with children unless they ask you. It's today's equivalent of hanging out on the school bus with them . Really ? Your kids will not thank you for it ! (And will obviously rip the piss out of them for you being 'weird' parents). Absolutely yes, to insisting on passwords and access. This can be spot checked. No access, no device. Easy.

Nanny0gg Sun 09-Oct-16 18:57:14

We don't have access to DS1 and DS2's (both 14) accounts although I do know on what sites they have their accounts.

How? Very easy to hide.

Having said that, I'm a teacher and am heavily involved with everything that's happening on social media, so if there's something I feel might affect DS1 and DS2 we'd be checking their accounts.

What do you mean you're heavily involved? There can be all sorts on there you wouldn't have a clue about, surely?

BowieFan Sun 09-Oct-16 19:00:58

Nanny0gg Well I'm friends with the parents of their friends and most of them do access their kids social media and they both say my kids conduct themselves excellently on SM. Well, as well as kids can do anyway. I don't know if there are secret accounts, but neither do the parents who have access to their DC's social media.

As for the heavily involved thing. I meant we are generally aware if there are certain videos going around or dangerous dares/challenges so we know to keep an eye out for DS1 and DS2. When there was that condom challenge a few months ago we were very proactive on making sure that didn't happen.

Katiepoes Sun 09-Oct-16 19:00:59

Please do the spot checks. You have no idea how many services he may be using - I work in internet security for a very large IT company and one of our areas is advising schools (voluntary work). You need to be able to see what he is accessing - but not by being 'friends', by actually checking the devices.

Pollyanna9 Sun 09-Oct-16 19:40:30

You see, I think when people say "well, we have access and regularly check what they're doing etc" that actually, in reality, it's a bit of a false sense of security - at least that's the conclusion I've come to (when I look at cases where kids have harmed themselves or revealed they've been groomed or abused online).

I say that not because the intent is flawed or stupid or inappropriate by insisting on access - it's because you love your children as I love mine and we want to protect them. I get it 100%.

But even if you monitor FB you don't get to see all the private messaging (that's right isn't it) - so you still don't know what they might be receiving or who or how they're talking to through that. Or if they have gmail/youtube/google+ any freak can email them through youtube for example if the settings are wrong, then there's Snapchat, Instagram, their texting (highly likely someone would ask them for pics or sexting action through SMS), then there's the ability to have separate accounts (ie ones you don't know about possibly), and umpteen apps and so on that probably you and I don't even know about yet cos we're old fuddy duddies (well, I am!) that they're using to chat with one another (aside from facetiming and other non-Apple facetiming versions). Or if they leave up the non-private account(s) but have another account you don't know about somehow...

Just trying to keep up with the changing account privacy settings, permissions settings alone is a massive job across all the platforms they use to keep in touch with each other.

And what about when they're at someone else's having a sleepover or hanging out at a mate's? What's to say that someone's dad or brother isn't a real life in the flesh paedophile - they're not safe bloody anywhere are they. Or that they get shown porn?

I'm not sure OP if you sounded surprised that DS had seen porn on FB but (and I am not denigrating him, or you, or agreeing that this should be the norm or implying any negative to whether you were or weren't surprised) but I'd be surprised if he hasn't seen it - god knows many boys must be watching it if not at home on their laptop then using their smartphones to do so, and flashing the images around to their mates. I see this not with glee because the older I get the more I dislike every aspect of porn which is why I follow Fight the New Drug on FB which promotes love instead (how refreshing). I actually think our children are unprotected and been left hung out to dry in terms of child protection - the term used here in the UK is a joke. But I digress.

It also doesn't take account of the fact that they could decide, if you insist on access, that they will simply delete stuff that they don't want you to see so that when you conduct your review, that's nothing to see that rings any alarm bells.

The sad fact is that paedophiles have gotten away with abuse (if that's the main concern we're talking about?) for decades because they know that the child won't tell straight away (which is the thing we ask them to do of course) - but sadly history and case after case after case of abuse confirms that they don't do that. Paedophiles know kids won't tell straight away so all we can do is keep telling our children to tell us - and hope that they do (even though I too have these conversations with my children, I still don't think to myself 'well, you've ticked that one off the list Pollyanna' because there's absolutely no guarantee that they will tell me.

In any case many kids may have FB but it's not the main site many of them use - it's for 'older' people mostly, they're using other mediums to communicate and share pics.

I don't think it's right to be friends with them on FB and I don't think it's wrong to be friends with them on FB, it's one of a range of things you can do, which you have to choose which approach works best for you, but to believe that this has rendered them significantly freer from harm, is, I believe, actually a false feeling of security.

BowieFan Sun 09-Oct-16 19:54:33

Completely agree with you Pollyanna. Everyone who goes on about having all their passwords is just giving a false sense of security. If there was anything to hide I'm sure kids would find a way.

I just find I feel more comfortable if I give my kids that little bit of trust. I find that the kids who rebel and are in trouble are the ones who are subject to the most rules. Our kids have never been in trouble, do well in school and are generally brilliant. They have moods of course but they've never done anything to concern us.

I don't doubt they have secrets (I know DS1 has been courting a girl he hasn't told us about yet) but nothing too troubling. I think they know to keep in line though because I'm a teacher and a head of year and so would just find out anything bad from my friends who teach at their school.

alfagirl73 Sun 09-Oct-16 20:00:58

Being "friends" on FB and monitoring it are two different things. I can understand him not wanting you as a "friend" on FB at his age... but you would be correct to insist on having usernames and passwords so you can spot check. That way you get to monitor not only content but any messages too.

FrancisCrawford Sun 09-Oct-16 20:04:44

DD knew if she wanted a FB account then we had to be her FB friends.

It was totally her choice in the matter.

Teens can be vulnerable, so it's common sense to keep an eye on what is being posted.

Once a "friend" posted something very, very inappropriate on DDs wall when she was at a friends house. It turned out she'd gone to the loo and left her phone behind and this person accessed it and posted some pure filth. We saw it, contacted DD immediately and told her to get it removed and then get home asap. It was a hard way for her to learn that she could not trust her "friends".

She's now 21 and perfectly happy to be FB friends!

Cherryminx Sun 09-Oct-16 20:17:39

I tend to agree with Pollyanna. Its so easy for kids to set up new accounts using different email addresses that how are you going to see everything they look at? Plus how are you going to have the time?

I think at the end of the day the most important thing is to explain the rules and issues to them so that they completely understand the consequences. There are plenty of websites/ resources explaining the dangers of lack of privacy and inappropriate posts on social media. Surely its better to have a dialogue about these.

One of the rules can be no device/ internet connection etc if you discover something inappropriate but actually I have found the best way of hearing about this is the local mums bush telegraph rather than being my DS facebook friend.

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