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Or is this passive aggressive bullshit?

(22 Posts)
HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:50:09

Bit of back story. When my DS turned 18, I made him an album as a gift, showing highlights from his childhood. Photo's of birthdays, christmases, achievements of his, like karate belts etc. Took it right from his scan photo's up until present day. About 50 photo's in all. ExH had all the photo's of him, aged zero to 11, as we split when he was 11, and rather than be petty and rifle through family photo's and divide them up at the time of separation, I just left them at the house (I was the one moving). I had to ask ExH over and over for the photo's of DS aged zero to 11. He kept refusing, saying that it was my own fault, for leaving them behind. After months of reasoning begging with him (he enjoyed the power, I think), he finally gave me the photo's. I had them professionally copied for the album and returned the originals to ExH. Unbelievably, when the day of DS birthday was nearing, ExH got in touch, to say that me and DH should not take DS to lunch (where we were to do presents), and that I should make DH stay home, and he would come instead and help me present the album "we" had made. Needless to say, this did not happen!

Anyway, fast forward to now, and DD is about to turn 18. So, I want to do an album for her too. In fact, I need to, as you can't do it for one and not the other. I have texted ExH four times (nicely) asking for photo's. He doesn't reply. In the end, I texted my DS, and asked him that when he is next visiting ExH (today), please can he get a selection of photo's for me. DS knows where they are (in a wardrobe, all clearly labelled). He replies to say, that his Dad has copied the photo's and when I go to lunch today with DD (who I am picking up from his), she will hand me an envelope thinking it's old post for me, which will in fact contain the photo's. Great.

I've just got home and opened the envelope. ExH has photo copied photographs, on non-photographic paper, on a printer that is running out of ink, so the "photo's" are blurred and have those faded lines running all through them, the way that happens when the ink is almost out. Not usable in any way, shape or form. Almost like he is saying "look what you could have had".

Is this not the most fucking pathetic passive aggressive behaviour? He knows I will now have to repeat the cycle of asking for the bastard photo's. It's been 8 years since we split. It's hardly fresh. He has done with with SO many things since we split. It's really wearing me down.

Sorry, I know it's a bit boring, but bloody hell I'm tired of this. sad

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sat 08-Oct-16 16:56:06

He sounds like an arse!

HereIAm20 Sat 08-Oct-16 16:58:45

Show Ds and ask him to revert to plan A where he brings you the actual photos.

Ex is a twat but you know that and assume that is why he is an ex!!

HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:00:41

Thanks both. I've just managed to get DS on the phone, who is en route to ExH, explain the problem and ask him to get the originals. I KNOW that ExH will come up with something to sabotage this request. Just wondering what it will be......

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sat 08-Oct-16 17:01:26

Your poor DC. They are the ones suffering here. Can't he see that?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:01:58

My ex did this :
He locked all the photos in his car so I couldn't take them when I moved out.
His car needed to go to the garage to be fixed.
Sir to an electrical fault his car burnt out while at the garage.
Your time will come.
Explain to dd why the pics are not so good.
Don't defend him at all. I

EatsShitAndLeaves Sat 08-Oct-16 17:03:33

It's petty and spiteful.

Especially so given it's in relation to your children.

I'd be tempted to go round and not leave until I had copies....

I think it's defiantly a control issue. He thinks having the pictures entitles him to "own" the present - which is BS.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sat 08-Oct-16 17:21:57

Does anyone else have pictures of your kids? Your parents or siblings maybe?

NoCapes Sat 08-Oct-16 17:24:48

I couldn't imagine having no baby pictures of my kids, that would've been the one thing I'd have took with me

When you got them you should've made copies before you took them back

Don't you want them for any reason other than these books? (That sound lovely btw!)

HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:38:26

Sir to an electrical fault his car burnt out while at the garage

Oh no!

I'd be tempted to go round and not leave until I had copies

This is what DH wants to do. But I know it will not end well, maybe even in a fight.

Does anyone else have pictures of your kids? Your parents or siblings maybe?

Yes, my Mum has scanned and e-mailed me some fantastic early photo's. Thankfully, I always have the GP school photo's. But she doesn't have enough and she doesn't have birthday pics, as she lives some distance from me and couldn't always attend for birthdays.

I couldn't imagine having no baby pictures of my kids, that would've been the one thing I'd have took with me

It was 11 years worth of photo's. Boxes of the things. I knew he's never throw them, as he loves looking at old photo's and it seemed petty to start splitting them up at that time. If only I'd know how he would be, then yes I would have taken them. He won't even let me have the albums that document my growing baby bumps in 4 week stages.

Don't you want them for any reason other than these books? (That sound lovely btw!)

Just for the books really, there are far too many to copy otherwise. Like thousands. It would take forever and cost the earth. I know the kids will get them eventually when he dies

HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 17:40:36

Sorry for the typos!

DH s bringing in a Chinese and I am going to have wine with a straw and watch X factor, to cheer myself up.

nicenewdusters Sat 08-Oct-16 18:01:35

Yes, just nasty, small minded, controlling tactics as employed by a complete arse. You've probably guessed I've got one of these too!

Definitely don't defend his actions to your dd or ds. They are of an age and enough time has passed that they should know how he behaves.

Can you get copies of photos from any other source ? Parents, aunts, uncles, friends?

JeanPadget Sat 08-Oct-16 18:47:08

Husky, I am so glad you posted this as I thought my XH was the only person twattish enough to behave in this way. He took all of the photos when he left five years ago, and whenever I queried their return he would claim that he was almost through scanning them and I would soon get them back. Realising he just kept them to annoy me, I stopped asking and tried to think of them as something I had lost in a fire. I did have a few photos that he'd missed plus some from my parents and a friend very kindly made copies of a couple she had of my DD.

DD was eighteen a little while ago, and XH presented her with a memory stick with all of the missing photos on. I didn't realise until then quite how much of her 'back story' was missing to her. It's all about control, and knowing other women have experienced this may help in some small way.

HuskyLover1 Sat 08-Oct-16 19:43:58

Wow jean but can you now get the memory stick and copy all the photo's from it and get all of your photo's back? WIN !! smile

JeanPadget Sat 08-Oct-16 21:09:38

Husky, I know I should be glad, but there's been so much aggro over these photos for so many years that the gilt has rather been taken off them. Even now it's still on XH's terms - he's decided that he gets to keep the paper copies and I can get the digital ones via DD. Still controlling, you see...

HuskyLover1 Sun 09-Oct-16 12:54:02

Jean you can upload all the photo's to Photobox, and they will print them and post them to you. I think it's 5p per photo (maybe less the more you print).

JeanPadget Sun 09-Oct-16 13:12:12

Oh, Husky, thank you so much for telling me! That's perfect smile.

It'll be a nice project for me over the winter, and might even stop me wasting spending so much time on MN blush

HuskyLover1 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:54:13

Ha ha ha. You can also take the memory stick to Asda, and get the pics printed whilst you wait. They normally have the machine just inside the doorway. smile

HuskyLover1 Sun 09-Oct-16 13:55:20

I am still waiting to hear from DS, whether he managed to get anything off it's almost 2pm, my hopes are dipping.

LeatherAndLace Sun 09-Oct-16 13:57:54

What a dick!

Natsku Sun 09-Oct-16 14:05:50

What an arse! My ex has done the same, luckily its only a few months worth of pictures but they are the ones of DD's first Christmas and birthday so rather special. Just glad I put some of them on Facebook.

Making an album is a lovely gift by the way, my mum did it for all my brothers for their 21st birthday but I moved abroad just before my 21st and I'm still waiting for my albums nine years later! Got one of them this autumn at last.

MothersGrim Sun 09-Oct-16 15:44:29

Jean flowers

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