Was I insensitive or was DH being ridiculous?(13 Posts)
Very stressful situation and quite outting, so this may be a little vague.
Had a letter about DS2's EHCP situation this morning, the thrust of which we were quite unhappy about. Something we had thought was sorted appeared to be sorted in a way we weren't happy with, iyswim. Can't do anything about it until Monday, so stress over the weekend.
DH moaned when I was worried, irritated that I would "have a panic attack over it" now and ruin the weekend, which annoyed me as I have done the lion's share of the research, letter writing, meeting plannings, paperwork etc around the EHCP and the prolonged stress has left me in a very precarious MH state. IMO the EHCP is worth worrying about. Massively so, as the letter today proved.
Anyway, he kept saying that it was probably nothing, and the way they word everyone's letter. I agreed, or thought I had, and we went out and although I was worried, I didn't talk about it again until we got home. Once home, I didn't mention it to DH again, but I chatted to a friend of mine who has been through a similar situation, someone who has been massively supportive to me throughout this. She said that she too had had the same letter with the same wording and that it was just standard stuff.
I told DH this, and he was really upset with me. Apparently because it was the same thing he said, I should have believed him and not needed to consult my friend. Apparently, I didn't trust him, but I trusted my friend.
I said that yes, I had thought what he said was likely, but neither he or I knew for certain, and so I asked someone with experience, who confirmed it. It wasn't a question of who I believed or trusted more. But he is really hurt now, and off with me.
I think he's being a bit daft, but was I insensitive?
Perhaps he is concerned about your mental health and frustrated that you are stressing about what appeared to be a generic letter? He may feel that you don't trust his judgement or value his opinion?
It sounds like a stressful situation and you maybe taking your frustrations out on each other. In an ideal world, it would be best to support each other.
Try not to overthink it though, I don't think it's worth falling out over.
The main point is that you both have your son's best interests at heart.
I said that yes, I had thought what he said was likely, but neither he or I knew for certain, and so I asked someone with experience, who confirmed it. It wasn't a question of who I believed or trusted more
I can see both your points - you wanted to know for sure that it was just standard wording (understandable so), but he wanted you to trust him and not seek the validation elsewhere. DH has a habit of doing what you've done, and to be honest it's really annoying as it does feel that my word isn't enough.
As this is to do with your DS, emotions are going to be running high. I agree with the PP that it's not worth falling out over.
I think you are right. Normally we are really good at pulling together on these things and sorting it out. I think we both thought the stress was over, that we had it all sorted. The letter threw us back into all the uncertainty.
I was a bit shocked that he reacted that way, because he wouldn't normally. And I genuinely thought he'd be pleased that I'd sorted it and found out for certain, thus eliminating the need for my stress to ruin the weekend. I guess he must be stressed too.
But I was annoyed that he made me feel I shouldn't have spoken to my friend about it. He made it clear he didn't want to talk about it any more. I needed to find out for certain, something neither he or I could do.
I will put it down to stress and I won't raise it again. Hopefully it really is all over and we can get back on track.
I hope you get some answers soon. It sounds like a worrying time.
I don't understand why he thought he could be an authority on the subject when tbh, I know far more about it because I have done 99% of the donkey work and therefore am far better informed. My friend also, because she has actual bona fide experience of the process last year and has actually received one of these letters.
How can you expect to have the final word on something when you don't know anything about it?
I realise that sounds as though I resent DH for not being more hands-on with the paperwork and research, and sometimes I guess that's true. He's been great in meetings etc, and behind me 100% on our son's care needs, but he hasn't once read a website or a forum or a book or spoken to anyone else about what we've been through. He's poo-poohed me a few times when I've tried to tell him how rough and stressful the experience can be and how it's all about the LA saving money, and he hasn't believed me until it's happened to us too.
But I have never told him that as I'm not going to let those bastards break us and we need to be united!
If he's going to let you do the lion's share of the work and the worrying then he needs to stop being a twat.
I know how stressful it is. It does impact on your mental health but it isn't something you can just leave to chance.
I went through this process many years ago and, I understand, it is a whole lot more involved and stressful these days.
I'm so with you on the donkey work and stress and DH not reading forums/talking to others etc etc - been there and got the t-shirt!
I don't think you did anything wrong in talking to your friend and your DH is probably just feeling a little over-sensitive because of stress etc as you say. My DP would react exactly the same way even though he only knows about the process what I tell him!
Try not to let it bother you and move on. We've got enough on our plates with our children without having to fall out over it - although tbh that's what we do a lot because of the stress of the situation with our DD1. Thinking of you. Stay strong! And well done for sorting out the EHCP - they are a nightmare.
I actually think you need to tell him precisely that! He's in NO position to tell you what's what. His ASSUMPTION was right, but that's all it was. I think if you don't tell him what you said in your previous post then resentment will build & drive you apart.
I'd probably leave it until another day though, you're unlikely to be able to have a good discussin about your feelings today when he's sulking,
I hope everything goes well for you with DS.
It feels good to admit this to someone - even if it is strangers on the internet, but sometimes he is a bit patronising when things have come off the way we wanted them too. A bit "See? What were you worried about?"
They only came off because I researched and argued and know SEN law backwards, and because I have the backup of my friend, who is extremely knowledgeable. If I'd have sat back and chilled out about it as he suggested, it wouldn't have worked out in our favour at all.
He isn't stressed and worried because he's got someone to do all that for him - me!
God I hate this process.
As someone who has been through this process for my ASD son I would say that it's impossible for the parent who isn't bearing the brunt of it to understand the enormity of the stress of navigating such a disfunctional and antagonistic system. So I think your DP hasn't got a full handle on the stress you are under either.
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