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To wonder is it normal to grow away from close friends sometimes?

(14 Posts)
foodaintlove Sat 08-Oct-16 12:41:33

I have this happening at the moment with one particular friend. She just seems to be going very distant and I don't know why. There's only so many times I can brush off hurtful situations like never having time to meet me, but regularly meeting other friends. I'm prepared at this stage to let it go.

The thing is I fell out with a friend last year as well, a similar situation but I spoke to her about it basically and then she cut me off.

Until now I've very seldom fallen out with people. I tend to get on with most people, and have a small handful of close friends, but they are now dwindling away.

I had done a lot of counselling and I wonder if I have changed as a person a bit too and that's why we have less in common? These were friends since uni days, now in 30's.

Does it sound fairly normal, or like I'm being unreasoanble and that's why my friends are falling away? Worried.

gleam Sat 08-Oct-16 12:43:51

Can you think about the last time(s) you saw her and what you talked about?
Possibly you said something she found hurtful and now she wants a bit of distance?

DailyMailPenisPieces Sat 08-Oct-16 12:46:59

Are you becoming more assertive or confident as a result of counselling? Maybe that's changed the dynamic and you aren't the person they thought you were anymore (in a good way). Maybe branch out and find new hobbies and new friends who can cope with the new you.

EverySongbirdSays Sat 08-Oct-16 13:02:48

I'm in a very similar situation OP,but I feel like certain friendships are slipping away due to lack of understanding of what is going on for me, and lack of common ground - this isn' true of everyone, but one of my closests friends I've realised is actually quite selfish but that selfishness wasn't apparent when we wanted the same things.

Placemarking to see what others post flowers

MariposaUno Sat 08-Oct-16 13:16:43

I agree with Dailymail it could be the councelling has changed you for the better and the dynamic of the friendships have changed.Its sad but it is by no means a bad thing, Time for you to make connections with new people in your life.

I had similar but it was with exmil we were really close but as I became more independent and had cbt she didn't like it and we drifted massively apart there are other factors in that story but the point is the same, I have made new and long lasting friendships even ones I haven't seen for most of this year but we still keep in regular contact.

Sometimos it feels like it's dropping off but life gets in the way and then it picks up again.

In general it's normal for friendships to change and drift apart there can be a lot of factors.

Rosae Sat 08-Oct-16 14:57:11

I think it could be quite normal. I have very few friends left from uni and I am only 29. My closest friend from those days (she was bridesmaid at my wedding) I still keep in touch with but we have grown apart a bit. We were on similar courses and both went on to do further work based qualifications. But along the years I chose to work for a charity and now am a sahm whereas she has gone for a more high powered and monied option working for a big firm. Our different experiences have effected our opinions and this has changed the nature of our friendship.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 08-Oct-16 15:14:21

I think it's normal really. But then I hang around more with family than with friends. About 14 years ago I had 2 good friends who I met at work. We enjoyed going out as a 3. I then left to have a baby and was a SAHM for 5 years. Both were single for most of that time, no children. They couldn't understand why we were so skint or why I might not enjoy clubbing as often etc. Our interests started to differ, and even our personalities. One moved away for work. I've seen her a few times since then but each time I get together she shocks me slightlywith some of her opinions on things, we just seem so different now in our outlook in life. The other one has also moved but still driving distance, but seems to have taken up with a set of friends with whom I don't have much in common. Add to that children who are my priority, a fulltime job and family who we visit at weekends fitting in around household chores and shopping trips etc, then there isn't a lot of time to keep up with friends who I don't feel so close to anymore.

We're still in touch by text and Facebook and wish each other well on birthdays and zmas, but actually this is the first year I've not sent a birthday card. I'm not too much into cards anyway, and hardly send any at Xmas these days.

It's sad, but I think it's just one of these things which happens if you've moved round the country and changed jobs a few times which I have. The only girls' holidays I have are with my mum and sister, I don't have anyone I'd feel comfortable sharing a hotel room with and I'm really fine with that. The people I know who seem to have kept up close friendships from school are ones that have grown up in cities and found work there even if they've gone away to uni for 3 years in the middle of it all and then come back. So they've stayed friends from school and after uni. Or maybe been in the same job since early 20s and they're now 40s working with the same bunch of people so very close.

suchafuss Sat 08-Oct-16 21:02:28

I have this at the moment. Close friend of over 30 years has started to drift away and be quite passive aggressive too which hurts. We have different life styles now, she married a wealthy man and my family had a business failure. I never thought she would be so shallow as to let social status affect our friendship and she always felt like more of a sister than a friend, but hey ho. I know that I have changed as I started a degree in social work that has had a massive impact on how I view things and my own values.
I have just accepted that friends are not always for keeps and that she isn't the true friend I thought she was.

Mildred007 Sat 08-Oct-16 21:10:34

I have found that my circle of friends has closed in that it is not as wide as before. I don't get invited or included in everything anymore. It used to upset me but I have now come to realise that things change, people change... I am happy with my close, tighter circle of friends & I have my own life & family so shouldn't worry about it. They are still my friends but we've all split off in different directions - it's just life & mostly probably not intentional.

Daydream007 Sat 08-Oct-16 21:18:43

This is very normal. People change and grow apart. This happened to me. I no longer have anything in common with my pals from years ago but I have found new friends that fit in with the 'grown up' me.

ViolettaValery Sat 08-Oct-16 21:20:48

I've had this - no identifiable reason whatsoever - and it's really hurtful but c'est la vie. I gave up after about 6 months of texts etc went unanswered. Sometimes it's just about their shit, I think.

user1471544305 Sat 08-Oct-16 21:21:10

No different to a couple growing apart people change their interests the way they think.

ViolettaValery Sat 08-Oct-16 21:22:32

Posted too soon, what I mean is, it's not necessarily anything to do with your counselling or anything else about you. It could just be them, unless you have a more specific reason to think otherwise. 30s is the time for this too, it seems to me.

Why did you previous friend cut you off? That sounds a bit extreme.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 08-Oct-16 22:39:07

Yep, this happened to me after I had counselling. I wanted to assert myself and put my needs first and it didn't go down well. I then realised they weren't real friends at all. Then some people are just twats. I had a friend who has distanced herself from me. I know 100% I've done nothing but as she has got more pally with 2 others (who are perfectly nice and I'm friends with too) she just doesn't want to know, unless they aren't there. Then she's all chatty. hmm

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