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...just by ironing my shirt is not being supportive

(35 Posts)
Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:13:15

My DH works long hours, he is away from home all week. We have DS whom is 7. When he comes home on a weekend he always falls asleep early and is a real grump. I have to understand his work pressures and appreciate he is working to provide for all of us. However, in return I run the home, the house is always spotless when he comes home and welcoming as he would be worse if things just weren't so. I look after all the finances, do the cooking, cleaning, gardening, Washing, ironing, everything related to the home. I don't think he has ever read with DS and if on the rare occasion I have asked for help with his homework 5 minutes in he will start been frustrated with DS and then tell me he doesn't want to do it. I leave him in bed when he is home and get up early with DS ...even take him a coffee up. I have seen this as my role in the relationship to make things work together, although I do feel quite neglected but just get on with it. However this morning DH said to me "you don't support me, you think because you iron a shirt for me it's support!" I feel very hurt by this and quite a mug ...AIBU?

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Sat 08-Oct-16 09:17:59

No YANBU in any way, shape or form. He sounds like an ungrateful pig who sees it as your "duty" to do all of those things. I would suggest you LTB because it sounds like this could just be one issue that highlights a series of other problems that are unlikely to change, but I am aware that that is much easier to say than do.

If you don't feel that you are ready to do that, I suggest that you stop doing all of those things that you do to make his life easier when he gets home and see how he likes that. It's easy to ignore support until it's taken away.

ConvincingLiar Sat 08-Oct-16 09:18:05

Withdraw services for a week. Then have a talk like grown ups.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 08-Oct-16 09:18:21

YANBU. He sounds like a total shithead. Just stop doing things for him, see how he feels then.

TeaBelle Sat 08-Oct-16 09:18:32

For me support is an emtional thing too. You seem pretty disdainful towards him in your post tbh, and if you cone across like that in real life then I would agree that it isn't supportive. Working away from home is a hard choice too, it

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 09:19:37

I do all those things for DP, but he appreciates them and makes sure I feel appreciated. He also is involved with the kids/housework when he's not at work, and never makes me feel like the things I do are "my jobs". He's being very unreasonable and a bit of a dick IMO.

Anicechocolatecake Sat 08-Oct-16 09:19:50

I couldn't live like this.
I don't doubt your dp works hard but I always think that there are single parents out there working hard and raising their families. Your dp effectively has a servant and he has the audacity to complain?

TheSparrowhawk Sat 08-Oct-16 09:20:02

Are you serious Tea? So on top of doing absolutely everything for their house and child while he lies in bed, she also has to be super nicey nice to him while he criticises her???

rainbowstardrops Sat 08-Oct-16 09:22:00

I would suggest he looks in the mirror.
It would appear that he only 'supports' you financially. He can't have it both ways

limon Sat 08-Oct-16 09:24:30

Dh (sahp) and I don't fall over each other with gratitude towards each other. We have had our times of competitiveness. Tbh the housework and home management is nowhere near a full time job - presuming your child is at achool.full time, which ours is - and as a sahp he gets a lot more free time than I do . However it seems your husband doesn't understand the work you do. Working away for all those hours is hrd but he should not be belittling your role.

You sound fed up about your role - could you get a part time job and send your ironing out and get a cleaner?

Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:25:54

not doing anything for him would be not worth the upset it would create. The other thing I always get is " you don't support me, your just happy to see the my salary at the end of the month" I wouldn't mind but I have friends who get their hair done often, nails every two weeks and happy to go out with friends and spend money. I do none of these things, I control the finances and what I spend is on food and things that are needed.

Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:29:28

Tea - i appreciate working away from home is difficult too but it was his choice, it didn't have to be this way. He dismisses anything I say to him, if I try and talk he shuts his eyes and ignores me giving me the silent treatment. Maybe my post domes over this way as I feel hurt by him.

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 09:30:28

I don't think you sound dismissive OP, I think you sound really unhappy and ground down. He shouldn't make you feel like you have to justify yourself, or that you don't matter.

Allthewaves Sat 08-Oct-16 09:31:58

Is he a lorry driver. He sounds a bit paranoid

HardcoreLadyType Sat 08-Oct-16 09:36:03

You sound very supportive, and I agree that he'd soon notice if that practical support was withdrawn.

However, maybe your current set up is taking its toll. He feels resentful and believes that he is doing all the work, because he simply doesn't see what your input is. You feel resentful that he doesn't see and value your input, which is significant.

As your DS is at school, perhaps you could suggest that you try to find some kind of work, to help relieve the financial burden, so that he doesn't have to be in a job where he works away.

I think one of two things might happen. He might be very pleased with the suggestion, and be very happy to spread the financial burden, as well as the burden of the household chores, and child rearing.

Or, he might not wish to give up his position of the important "breadwinner", in which case, you will know that he considers himself to be more important than you, and his contribution to be more worthwhile. And you can decide if that is a relationship you wish to remain in.

(Either way, I'd get a job of some sort, if I could, if I were you. I would hate to be entirely financially dependant on anyone, if I could avoid it.)

coffeetasteslikeshit Sat 08-Oct-16 09:36:20

What does he mean when he says that you don't support him? Has he given you examples of how he'd like you to support him?

He sounds like a spoilt, ungrateful dinosaur to me though. My mum is a sahp and does absolutely everything for my dad, but he appreciates it and refers to them as a team. Which they are. It works for them.

BestZebbie Sat 08-Oct-16 09:41:04

I think YANBU to be hurt by that comment, but also, practical support is only one form of support - maybe he is feeling emotionally unsupported in the same way that you are? How much do you talk about the good and bad minutiae of your days, people you meet, little worries, hopes, aspirations, plans beyond the next five years, etc?

HardcoreLadyType Sat 08-Oct-16 09:41:48

Oh, x posted.

You have already suggested him not working away.

Well, it seems, he likes being the big man, and likes despising you. He wants to imagine you as seeing him as a "meal ticket".

He's not interested in talking to you, or listening to your point of view. He likes you "in your place".

I think perhaps you could suggest marriage counselling. It might be of benefit, depending on how much he cares about improving your relationship.

Definitely look at getting some kind of work, if you can.

Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:42:45

Hardcore - working would make no difference. When we had DS we both worked, I had a job earning good money, he earnt more then me and I agreed to give up my career. Both careers were working long hours and something had to give. We had a nanny at the time and I struggled giving up my role I had worked hard for but it was his career or mine. He is power and career obsessed. I said about going back to work but due to the hours couldn't go back to what I was doing, he wasn't happy with me having a job and wants to be the sole provider. I am now studying an open university degree so one day I can have a career again.

Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:47:19

Bestzeb - when he comes home after a week away I ask him about his week, he says I don't want to come home and talk about it. If I ask about his day and little details to feel part of his world he says " I don't think you understand my role, to think I can come back and explain an account of my day to you"

Fresta Sat 08-Oct-16 09:50:43

Taking care of practical things doesn't automatically make someone feel supported and loved. If you are not close emotionally your DH may feel quite isolated, especially working away from home all week.

JellyBelli Sat 08-Oct-16 09:51:10

He sounds awful, emotionally withdrawn, resentful and hard work. Could you try couples counselling? Would he go?

FeckTheMagicDragon Sat 08-Oct-16 09:55:16

So you have sacrificed your career for his, but he does not value this - or you.

Work towards financial independence. And never give it up again.

HardcoreLadyType Sat 08-Oct-16 09:59:59

What are you trying to achieve with this thread, Katy?

Validation that your input is important? Well, yes it is. MN is full of parents who know the importance of spending time with DC, attending to their physical, practical and emotional needs. I am happy to reassure you that your DS needs to know you will be there for him to help with homework, and make him feel supported and loved.

If it's validation from your husband that your input is important, well the thread just can't give you that, and frankly, your husband won't.

Have you asked your husband exactly what support he wants, if what you are giving isn't satisfactory?

Katyloo77 Sat 08-Oct-16 10:00:34

He wouldn't have counselling, I've asked him and he says the only person who needs counselling is me. in regards to emotional support, I email him pictures of DS most days so he doesn't miss out on things and have done since he was very young. I tell him not to worry if he has to be late back on a Friday and always wait to eat with him. I get into bed and cuddle him and tell him not to let work get to him so much. I massage his aching shoulders and run him a bath with relaxing salts and candles...emotionally I don't think he is neglected!

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