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Is it me???

(90 Posts)
Smokingchimney Sat 08-Oct-16 09:05:04

I have a sister who, I'm not close to at all. I love her but I don't like her and I don't particularly like being in her company. I dint see her very often and I feel she uses me when she wants me to look after her kids as it's the only time she ever contacts me.

She is getting married in a few weeks, our dad is terminally ill so she has brought the wedding forward.
I'm not part of the bridal party and neither are my own children. I'm fine about me not being part of it but I was a tiny bit annoyed when she chose her friends children to be bridesmaids & pageboys but not her own nieces and nephew.

Anyway, because the wedding was brought forward she has had to scale it down dramatically and now cannot afford to have a professional photographer or any wedding cars.
She has text me to ask if she can stay at mine the night before the wedding. I said that was fine after all she lives with her partner so he will be in their home the night before. I have since found out, it's not just her who will be staying with me but also her 4 bridesmaids who I don't really know. She has also told my mum I will be taking them all to the church and my husband will be doing the photos ???????

I've been told none of this, and I'm raging. I'm absolutely fucking raging, BUT I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and I'm raging just because it's her. I'm not even invited to the hen night because I'm been told "its just me my friends and mum that's invited' but her partners sisters are invited.

So tell me, is it me?

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 09:07:22

No, it's not you at all. However, I think that because your dad is poorly you're going to have to go along with it all for his sake. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis, it must be really tough for you at the moment. Your sister is completely taking the piss, but probably knows you'll go along with it to save your dad stress. Which I think you have to, or you'll regret it later. She is being a prize bitch though.

crayfish Sat 08-Oct-16 09:07:28

No, it's not you. She sounds like a total user and I would be telling her it is no longer convenient for her to stay at yours. If she mentions the photos just say your camera is broken or something. I would be having none of it.

ConvincingLiar Sat 08-Oct-16 09:10:00

She is a cheeky cow. I don't think I'd start a big family feud over it.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 08-Oct-16 09:11:34

I'd go along with it, get the wedding out of the way, then tell her to fuck off after that. It's unbelievable that she didn't invite you to the hen. What a horrible thing to do.

ThatStewie Sat 08-Oct-16 09:12:14

Photos would be fine as it's for your Dad not your sister. Put your foot down with bridesmaids. If she wants a slumber party, she can chuck her DP out of their own house for the night.

If your Mum mentions it again, just repeat: 'those are not the arrangements we've made. If Dsis wants to change things, she needs to speak to me.'

Jizzomelette Sat 08-Oct-16 09:12:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seven201 Sat 08-Oct-16 09:22:11

I had a bit of a rush wedding because of my mum's terminal diagnosis. It didn't give me the right to be a nasty cow! She can't invite future sil and your mum to the hen and not you! Well she could but she shouldn't then invite herself and others to stay. Surely it's easier to kick out the groom for the night and stay in her own house. I think you need to contact her and say there's been a misunderstanding as you've heard it's now not just her and that your husband doesn't want to be photographer as it's too much pressure (it is!). You need to do this all gently though as now is not the time for a bit family fall out. I would be really hurt if my dc weren't included in the wedding party but friend's kids were. I don't think you should bring that one up but you have a right to be annoyed about it my opinion. Sorry about your dad flowers

Smokingchimney Sat 08-Oct-16 09:24:02

Thanks everyone, I've kept quiet for the sake of my mum and dad, but yesterday when I saw her when I was at my parents house I had to leave as I really thought I would say or do something that I regretted or could get me in a lot of trouble. I think I will need to keep quiet even after the wedding because of dads diagnosis.

I think things are getting to me too because I'm trying to arrange things for my dad i.e. Benefits, doctors appointments, contacting McMillan for advice and she is questioning everything and saying she doesn't want this happening or that happening. I work from home so I'm doing all the phoning and running about sorting things as she works during the day. She does her bit at night, So there is other stuff that she's annoying me about too and I wasnt sure if it was just me being too sensitive. If I do say something I will be the bad one because I'm the quiet one it's easier for people to say something to me rather than her.

I just can't be bothered about her wedding and my mum can't be bothered with it either. It's not like it's her first wedding, she's been married before.

Smokingchimney Sat 08-Oct-16 09:33:36

Thinking about it on the morning of the wedding in my home there will be me DH, 2 DS, DD, my mum, my sis, her 3 kids, her 2 friends and their 2 daughters, my dog, a hairdresser and a makeup artist.
It's going to be bedlam and DH and I will probably be expected to cook and clean up after them. It's going to be chaotic and all I want to do these days is cry because my dad is dying.

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 09:36:57

Have you received counselling OP? I only ask because I completely fell apart after my Mum's diagnosis and couldn't cope at all. I contracted Macmillan and asked how I could best help my mum and how I could learn to cope. I'm so sorry your sister is dumping all this on you, especially now.

Gizlotsmum Sat 08-Oct-16 09:37:45

I would contact her and say as a pp said.. you can't have everyone staying. You are happy for her to stay but not the bridesmaids as you don't have the space. I would also ask if it was true that DH was the photographer as you weren't aware he had been asked...

bloodyteenagers Sat 08-Oct-16 09:44:47

You need to tell her, no to the extra people. She must be a grown up, and grown ups need to talk to people not through others.
Do you actually have space to let these other people sleep?

Are you a two car household? If not how you going to fit an extra 5 people into the car?

Then of course taking pictures. She just going to send out telepathic messages to your Dh to charge camera and take it with him?

NoahVale Sat 08-Oct-16 09:47:51

this isnt a normal wedding though is it, it has been brought forward particularly thanks

dont fall out.

Smokingchimney Sat 08-Oct-16 09:49:41

Ayeokthen I haven't asked for counselling I'm a bit wary of asking for it. Not wanting to "out" myself but I have to complete medical forms every couple of years for my job so I don't want that on my medical record. I am usually a very strong person, so I do think it's just the initial shock of the diagnosis that's making me want to cry a lot just now.

i don't see my sister an awful lot but just now I see her on a regular basis because of my dad and she is just really annoying me.

Steamgirl Sat 08-Oct-16 09:50:29

Your sister is being so thoughtless and selfish. Just a thought ... Could you afford to book a few rooms in a cheap hotel for the bride and her bridesmaids and give it to her as a wedding present? Two family rooms would do the trick and would solve the problem. As for your dh being photographer, you could say no. My brother just put disposable cameras on every table for the guests to use and it was lovely - could she do that?

tofutti Sat 08-Oct-16 09:51:42

flowers OP

Couldn't her partner stay with a friend and your sister stay at home?

I think it's very unfair to ask you to do this.

JosephineMaynard Sat 08-Oct-16 09:52:13

I think you do need to talk to her - maybe something along the lines of "mum said we were doing xyz but she must have got mixed up because you've not asked, and besides, DH is rubbish at taking photos / car is too small etc etc"

Maybe skip the last bit if you feel that you have to go along with everything because of your dads illness, to avoid upsetting him, but if she's expecting you / DH to do stuff, you need to know from her what she's expecting before the wedding day, to avoid the scenario where she'll be kicking up a fuss about your (understandable) lack of mind reading screwing up her wedding.

bloodyteenagers Sat 08-Oct-16 09:52:42

There doesn't have to be any falling out. Sister just has to have the sense to understand actually it's easier for her future Dh to stay away for the night than it is her. He won't have to take D.C.'s, loads of bridesmaids and their D.C.'s. he can stay at him best mans, family or someone else in the party.

Discobabe Sat 08-Oct-16 09:53:19

What gizlots mum.said. your sister is a piss taker and probably relying on the fact you won't say anything because of your dad. Can your dh step in and 'play the bad guy'?

ayeokthen Sat 08-Oct-16 09:54:14

Smokingchimney I see your point about medical forms, it's not easy. Have you tried calling Macmillan for you? They listen and can be a good outlet. I completely broke on the phone to them and apologised saying I know it's not about me and they were so amazing. The raw feelings that come after a horrific diagnosis like that are a complete shock and utterly debilitating. Go easy on yourself, you don't have to be strong. It's ok to be angry, scared, devastated and a million other things at once. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to shut yourself away for a wee while just to cope that's ok too. There's no right way to deal with how you feel, it's the most horrible feeling. I'm so sorry.

Steamgirl Sat 08-Oct-16 09:54:48

If money's tight just book a hotel for the groom so the bride can stay at home?

Steamgirl Sat 08-Oct-16 09:55:31

So sorry you are going through this at such a hard time flowers

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Oct-16 09:55:53

Surely it would be easier for the bridegroom to stay with you instead? She's got her wedding party and you're not in it, so why should they all be staying with you?

Smokingchimney Sat 08-Oct-16 09:58:59

I'm trying really hard not to fall out Noahvale honestly I really am and its hard work trying to keep my mouth shut.

When she said she was being the wedding forward my dad told her not to bother he didn't want her to bring it forward just because of him. He actually said to her "I've given you away before, walked you down the aisle, you've had your big day, I don't want you to bring it forward" but she did because she wanted him there (and I can understand that) and she told him it was just be something small, so she has cut back on her guest list for during the day having a small meal, and a big party at night, but I've to jump through hoops for her. That's how I feel anyway, and as I said maybe it's just me being too sensitive x

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