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To not pay for my mum's birthday party.

(178 Posts)
Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:04:17

Background is that my parents were abusive. My dad was a drunk and physically/mentally abused me/siblings. Mum never hit us but she was also a drunk - mean, neglectful, never stepped in to protect us from beatings etc.

Me and my siblings all moved out of the family home as soon as we could. (I was 16) We've gone on to do ok, have families of our own etc.

My dad died years ago and my mum is still a big drinker but has improved. She goes through phases of being interested in my kids but she's still self-centred, selfish and a pretty shit mum all round. I.expect nothing different any more.

So generally, I have moved on from my childhood and have done well financially. My mum turns 60 in December and I've just received a text from her asking if I'll 'pay towards her party instead of buying her a birthday present.' She wants £200.

I'm really upset by this. Growing up, events like birthdays and Christmas were horrendous. My dad was at his worst on special occasions and we used to dread them. I don't remember having any happy birthdays at all.

Aibu to not pay for her party purely on this basis?? Should I move on and just be kind?

I can comfortably it but I feel really resentful. I'm getting really upset writing this which is stupid as I'm in my late thirties now. I hate that I still feel shit about all of this after so long.

Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:05:06

*afford it

ilovesooty Fri 07-Oct-16 22:06:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I'm sorry your childhood was so traumatic.

dementedpixie Fri 07-Oct-16 22:07:57

Just give what you would normally give and if £200 is more than that then say you won't do it. Don't be guilted into it

Sandsnake Fri 07-Oct-16 22:12:25

Do not pay. I can tell from your post how much this is affecting you and get the impression that if you 'are kind' and contribute this will eat away at you. I'm really sorry about what happened to you as a child - you sound like a really impressive individual flowers

Canyouforgiveher Fri 07-Oct-16 22:13:10

sorry you had such a hard time of it.

Text her back and say "No I don't want to do that". I suppose if you normally spend 10 or 20 pounds on her present you could offer her that instead. If she asks why say "to be honest, you never celebrated any of our birthdays and I don't feel much like spending that much money on yours"

CocoLoco87 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:15:06

Has she asked your siblings for money too? What are their thoughts? I agree with PP that maybe just contribute how much you would have spent on a present, but don't feel like you have to even do that if you don't want to.

YellowCrocus Fri 07-Oct-16 22:15:08

If it was me and I could comfortably afford it I think I would fork out and avoid the inevitable scene. But I'm a coward 😁

SabineUndine Fri 07-Oct-16 22:17:14

I wouldn't pay it. I'll be 60 in a few years' time, and I'll be paying for my own damn' birthday celebrations!

NoFucksImAQueen Fri 07-Oct-16 22:17:53

I felt a bit teary reading your post op. I'm sorry you went through all that. I find it so hard to understand how people can treat their kids like that

NoFucksImAQueen Fri 07-Oct-16 22:18:45

Oh and no don't pay. You don't owe her anything and asking for £200 is grabby in the extreme

LagunaBubbles Fri 07-Oct-16 22:18:56

There's no way I would pay £200 just to "avoid a scene". You reap what you sow in life. Nasty abusive people don't suddenly become nice because they get older.

Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:19:38

Just found out she's texted my brother and asked for the same from him...

Sandsnake thank you. You're right, I think it would eat away at me.

canyou that's the type of response I wish I had the balls to send. We never discuss the past, it's never been acknowledged.

LagunaBubbles Fri 07-Oct-16 22:19:39

I how you find peace about your childhood OP. flowers

Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:23:52

Thanks laguna

TheWitTank Fri 07-Oct-16 22:24:06

I probably wouldn't answer. If she asks again, I would come clean and tell her exactly why you feel you can't. I don't see any point in pretending you can't afford it or something. You don't owe her any kindness really!

Akire Fri 07-Oct-16 22:24:52

Agee it's not just the money even if it wasn't an issue. It will pay for hall food drinks? This implies to others look we love our mum isn't she amazing etc which would make me uncomfortable. She wants play happy families and look good, sod that. Unless of course she is just asking for money to spend on self and no party

Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:27:28

Apparently it's for the hall, dj and buffet. It comes to £400, she wants my brother and I to go halves.

Yoarchie Fri 07-Oct-16 22:27:57

How does £200 compare to what you would usually spend?

It does sound terrible. Do you know what your brother is going to reply? Does he have £200 available? Whatever is she going to do with £400? It seems a lot. How any friends has she got (she sounds horrible so I am assuming not many?).

Aeroflotgirl Fri 07-Oct-16 22:28:15

Noway, she has a bloody cheek. I would iffer her the money you were going to to buy her a present, £10/20 but no more.

MapMyMum Fri 07-Oct-16 22:28:27

Wow what kind of a party is she planning that will be so expensive?

No YANBU to not pay

MapMyMum Fri 07-Oct-16 22:29:44

Sorry x posts

Zeeandra Fri 07-Oct-16 22:30:21

Speak to your brother about uniting to say no.

Mozismyhero Fri 07-Oct-16 22:31:00

I wouldn't pay, think it's a really rude thing to ask tbh even setting aside your childhood. Add those experiences in and can totally understand why you would be so upset at this request.

However, I'm a coward so would just lie and say I've already got something so can't give money now! Then would rush out and buy cheap tat lovely jewellery.

Loulou0 Fri 07-Oct-16 22:31:43

yoarchie she actually has loads of friends (drinking buddies) they all have huge parties on special birthdays.

I normally just get her something from the kids- £20 on average but she often asks me for money for her electric meter / rent etc so she knows I'm.a soft touch.

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