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AIBU to expect my OH to accept this

(260 Posts)
Playingitbyear Fri 07-Oct-16 16:15:53

When DS was born, we found that we all got the most sleep by co-sleeping. Then when DD was born, she would only sleep on my chest. 1 1/2 years later, I still sleep in her room on a mattress on the floor with her head on my chest.

If all four of us were in one room I don't think any of us would get much sleep.

Obviously OH and I haven't had sex for a long time. When we talk about it, I say it is temporary and that everything is on hold until the children sleep in own beds/rooms etc, and he is kind of ok with that. I didn't think it would take this long either!

Anyway, has anyone had a similar arrangement with their relationship still intact? And got their sex life back after a long break? Is this weird or normal? And AIBU to expect my OH to accept this?

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Oct-16 16:18:41

I think you're on dodgy ground as far as your relationship is concerned, OP. Are you really saying you're not going to have sex until the children are much older?

Don't you have any time together when the children have gone to bed?

It's important for your relationship that you're not just parents. I know you're getting masses of physical affection from your young children, but you really don't want to get to the point where you separate, do you?

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Fri 07-Oct-16 16:19:11

I think YABU, current arrangements are poor for all concerned. Where are you going to draw the line? If I was your DP I'd feel that you were prioritising your need to be needed above our relationship.

Givememorewine Fri 07-Oct-16 16:21:41

Why don't you just have sex at other times? confused You need to prioritise your relationship - sleeping on a mattress sounds pandery (to DD) and yes, a bit weird.

Jackie0 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:21:46

Yabu, you're telling your oh that your relationship isn't important and that he isn't high on your list either.

myownprivateidaho Fri 07-Oct-16 16:21:49

Well, personally I would not stay in a relationship if my partner withdrew to this extent. However, whether it works for you and your DH is a matter for you and you alone.

Redglitter Fri 07-Oct-16 16:22:48

Surely you must have some time on your own. Make the most of that. Sex doesn't have to be in bed at night.

I think ruling it out til the children are older is a bad idea. Loads of parents Co sleep and still have sex lives you need to find a balance

myownprivateidaho Fri 07-Oct-16 16:23:36

Also, are you positive it is safe to sleep with a baby on top of you? I mean, I guess you've looked into it. But is there not a danger you might roll over onto her?

ScaredAboutTheFuture Fri 07-Oct-16 16:24:20

I think that at 1.5yrs your DD needs to learn to sleep by herself.

How old was your son when he started to sleep alone?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 07-Oct-16 16:27:23

Regardless of sleeping arrangements, can't anyone babysit so you can shag at other times?

witsender Fri 07-Oct-16 16:27:31

When you say you sleep with her, do you go to bed at the same time as her? Because if you went to bed later than her you still get an evening together. Or sleep in your room.until she wakes and then go in.

Tbh, I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with what you describe, and nor would DH. However I know many would, and this situation can be changed if you want it to, without too much disruption to the kids. There are gently ways of encouraging them to sleep.

And sex doesn't just have to happen at night, in bed...that just sounds a little like an excuse tbh. Are you close/intimate otherwise?

Bagina Fri 07-Oct-16 16:28:19

Your post is crazy! You sleep on a mattress on your daughter's floor with her on top of you? This is bonkers for all of you!!! How is she going to learn to sleep alone? When are you going to broach this? This is the kind of stuff parents do for newborns. You both need to address this for the sakes of all concerned. I'm not surprised your dh has lost patience; not necessarily for sex, but just to have his partner back again. Also poor you! Don't let your dd use you like this; you need your own bed and space!

ladylanky Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:07

Both my children slept in bed with me for about 18 months, same as you it was the only way I got enough sleep to function. My husband spent most nights on the spare bed. He was happy (ish!) With the arrangements because it was the only way it really worked.
We did still have sex tho - the children both started the night in their own bed or at least in our bed alone so we had the evening together. I think my son was conceived in the kitchen......

phillipp Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:11

I wouldn't be happy if dh did what you are doing. No sex until the kids are older? What age?

And I wouldn't have been happy with the sleeping arrangements.

It sounds like you have completely withdrawn.

But this is something that is different in every relationship. The problem you have is that he doesn't sound happy.

ijustwannadance Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:25

Are you BF? Your DD only sleeping on your chest at 18m+ is quite frankly ridiculous and something you are completely responsible for. That isn't co sleeping, it's just a habit that you could of stopped ages ago.

Sounds to me like you are purposely using the child as an excuse to avoid your DP.

Dinosaursgoboo Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:26

Do you go to bed at the same time as Dd? Surely not. I have coslept with all 3 of mine but always settled them on their own for evenings and just brought them into our bed if they wake up after we go to bed. So plenty of time for sex.

milkshakeandmonstermunch Fri 07-Oct-16 16:30:15

My DH and I haven't shared a bed in years! I was so uncomfortable during my first pregnancy that I kept him awake. DD always wants to jump in with me (she's nearly 3) and I'm pregnant with DC2. DH sleeps in "our room" and loves it - he can starfish and open the window all night whilst snoring and farting away. I sleep in the spare room which will soon be the nursery (but still space for a double bed and a cot).

However YABVU! The sleeping arrangement is fine if he's happy with it but "obviously haven't had sex" - why?? Your OH has feelings too and it is very unfair to just say "accept it". You are on dodgy ground as PP said. My DD goes to sleep in her own bed around 7pm. She'll jump in with me around 1am/2am. Plenty of time for canoodling with DH in the meantime before we go to our respective beds. Our set up is strange to some people but we have a secure relationship and a good sex life.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Fri 07-Oct-16 16:30:33

More questions... do you have plans to encourage her to sleep alone? Don't you move her once asleep? Does this mean you're going to bed when she does so no evening with your partner either? Can't get my head around it...

Chinks123 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:30:40

I think your dd is definitely old enough to sleep in her own room and bed, and she needs to be able to be without you at night as she's getting older. DD went in her own room at six months. The reason me and DP still work so well is that we're not just parents, we get time for each other when she's in bed and I think intimacy and a sex life is important. Yes he's a grown man but your DP still needs to feel wanted aswell.

NotAPuffin Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:06

Sorry, YABU. You need to work on getting your kids to sleep independently, it's not good for any of you the way things are.

NoFuchsGiven Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:06

Do you not think its time to get your dc in a proper bedtime routine in their own beds?

The longer you leave it the harder it will get to fix. Not just the dc sleeping but the distance in your relationship.

ReginaBlitz Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:36

Shit you've set yourself up haven't you.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:40

What's wrong with sex on the sofa?

BolshierAryaStark Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:54

Fuck that, YABVU.
You do realise that you're more than just a parent right? hmm
No way would I put up with this & certainly wouldn't expect DH to.
Also, yes, at 18 months old your child should be getting used to sleeping on her own-do you go to bed at the same time as her???

instantly Fri 07-Oct-16 16:32:12

Oh dear.

A friend of mine did this. Her youngest is now 6 and I don't think her and her DH have had sex for about 7 years. They don't have a good marriage at all.

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