Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

Think friend should thank me for trying to help when his father died.

87 replies

Welshpoolmummy · 07/10/2016 16:05

Someone I used to be almost best friends with father died.
He went all distant on me and tried pushing me away when his father was ill.
I sent him a text saying if he ever needs a chat to text me.
Then when his dad died I sent a text saying I'm sorry etc.
He replied to everyone bar me.
He asked for people he wasn't close to go to the funeral with him. Obviously I didn't go.
I donated a fair bit of money with a message to a charity he was raising money in memory of his father.

AIBU to think he should at least thank me for trying to help?

Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through this

OP posts:

Report

Gazelda · 07/10/2016 16:09

Yes, he should thank you. But how long ago was this? Maybe he's still raw with grief? Maybe there was a misunderstanding about who he wanted at the funeral? Maybe in the idle of all the admin, arrangements, etc he thought he had replied to your text?

EliCon · 07/10/2016 16:10

Try to contact him and see what is going on. There must a reason for this behaviour.

Jackie0 · 07/10/2016 16:11

Yanbu to be confused.
Have you any idea why he ghosted you?
My concern would be that he thought I had done something I didn't do.
Unfortunately you might never find out as you can't really ask him now.

AyeAmarok · 07/10/2016 16:11

Do you frequently make everything about you?

Paintedhandprints · 07/10/2016 16:14

I think you deserve a medal too.

Runny · 07/10/2016 16:14

Funerals are open to anyone, you don't have to be invited. Maybe he's upset because you didn't go along and support him? When you are raw with grief you don't always think rationally or logically. You sound very self absorbed OP.

paulapantsdown · 07/10/2016 16:15

If he was that close a friend, his fathers death should have warranted an actual phone call rather than a text.

LetsSplashMummy · 07/10/2016 16:16

It isn't all about you though, I think you are misreading the whole thing and not having much empathy. He was probably not actively pushing you away, just distracted and overwhelmed. I don't know how you know who he responded to with regards texts but asking around kind of flags up that you are behaving inappropriately, a little self centred.

As for manners, I think only sending a text to an "almost best friend" is horribly rude and cold hearted after someone dies - call, visit, hug - and get off the high horse.

user1474627704 · 07/10/2016 16:16

You didn't bother to go to his fathers funeral and think he should be thanking you? For a couple of texts?

Seriously, pull your head out of your arse. His father died. It's not remotely about YOU.

Lunar1 · 07/10/2016 16:17

No he shouldn't thank you. You sent a couple of texts and gave money to a good cause.

ErrolTheDragon · 07/10/2016 16:17

Since you ask, YABU.

He may have his reasons or it may be that he has other things on his mind.

edwinbear · 07/10/2016 16:18

He's just lost his dad. I think he's pretty much entitled to react anyway he likes frankly. YABU. Which is possibly why he doesn't want to engage with you.

MadHattersWineParty · 07/10/2016 16:22

It's not all about you.

You don't get invited to a funeral. It's not a party. If you want to pay your redirects and show support to the family you find out when it is and you go. Without making a big song and dance about it, obviously.

MadHattersWineParty · 07/10/2016 16:22

Respects, not redirects

mooimevrouw · 07/10/2016 16:23

When my Mum was dying I pulled back from my friends as a way of coping. I couldn't deal with their need to help, or to ask questions, or to be involved.
Obviously I could understand why they wanted to, because they love me and hated seeing me in pain, but I just had no emotional energy to deal with them and their needs.
I know that might sound weird to some, and I had one particular friend who took it very personally.
A good year after Mum died I did explain to that friend that I'd just found people too much, especially the ones who wanted to be more involved, and that the ones that gave me space were actually the ones I was drawn to afterwards.
I'm not sure it makes sense, but quite often grief doesn't ..

MyGreenSofa · 07/10/2016 16:23

YABU. Sending texts really isn't anything in the way of help, and although donating money to a charity is kind it also doesn't help him. You sound quite self centred from this post to be honest.

The day my mum died a friend text me about his ex. I haven't spoken to him since, I didn't give him an explanation. Another friend sent only a text. I no longer consider them a friend either.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 07/10/2016 16:23

Did he really push you away, or was he, understandably distracted and busy and you ditched him?

If so he's probably pissed off at the lack of contact and thinks you're trying to make up for it by throwing money at the situation.

This really isn't about you, not even a little bit.

albertcampionscat · 07/10/2016 16:26

His dad died. Cut the guy a break.

Planty18 · 07/10/2016 16:27

If one of my closest friends texted me to offer support and then texted to acknowledge my father's death I might be disappointed, or indifferent but I certainly wouldn't be gushing or concentrating on replying. It's about the minimal you could do. Sorry, but yabu. He may have been distant because he was dealing with things in his own way. You need to let him grieve in his own way too, it's not about your friendship. By not going to the funeral you made the decision not to support him. He may not have noticed your absence. People often don't when they are in the thick of it. If you want to salvage the friendship you could try visiting him or calling him and asking how he is doing and being direct, say you felt he wanted space. It may not be too late.

PotatoBread · 07/10/2016 16:27

I'd say you're not his top priority right now

Planty18 · 07/10/2016 16:29

Oh and the donation is kind of you but is not supporting him as a friend, it's just part of the process, it doesn't replace actual support.

Comejointhemurder · 07/10/2016 16:29

Of course a recently bereaved person should put their grief aside and thank YOU for all the effort that went into sending a text.

Willow2016 · 07/10/2016 16:29

You really didnt do much to 'help' though did you?

You sent a txt to say you were there for a chat if he wanted to and ignored him till you sent a text after his dad died, no mention of a card, flowers, you didnt even go to the funeral yet you are under the impression he should be grateful for your 'help'?

Errr what help exactly?

littlepeas · 07/10/2016 16:31

Why on Earth would you require thanks?? Supporting a friend who has lost a parent is something you just do, without expecting to be thanked, surely?

ladylanky · 07/10/2016 16:31

You want a thank you from you're grieving friend for sending a text? Am I missing something?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.