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Think friend should thank me for trying to help when his father died.

(88 Posts)
Welshpoolmummy Fri 07-Oct-16 16:05:02

Someone I used to be almost best friends with father died.
He went all distant on me and tried pushing me away when his father was ill.
I sent him a text saying if he ever needs a chat to text me.
Then when his dad died I sent a text saying I'm sorry etc.
He replied to everyone bar me.
He asked for people he wasn't close to go to the funeral with him. Obviously I didn't go.
I donated a fair bit of money with a message to a charity he was raising money in memory of his father.

AIBU to think he should at least thank me for trying to help?

Obviously I'm being a selfish cow to think of manners when he had to go through thishmm

Gazelda Fri 07-Oct-16 16:09:06

Yes, he should thank you. But how long ago was this? Maybe he's still raw with grief? Maybe there was a misunderstanding about who he wanted at the funeral? Maybe in the idle of all the admin, arrangements, etc he thought he had replied to your text?

EliCon Fri 07-Oct-16 16:10:54

Try to contact him and see what is going on. There must a reason for this behaviour.

Jackie0 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:11:15

Yanbu to be confused.
Have you any idea why he ghosted you?
My concern would be that he thought I had done something I didn't do.
Unfortunately you might never find out as you can't really ask him now.

AyeAmarok Fri 07-Oct-16 16:11:48

Do you frequently make everything about you?

Paintedhandprints Fri 07-Oct-16 16:14:15

I think you deserve a medal too.

Runny Fri 07-Oct-16 16:14:23

Funerals are open to anyone, you don't have to be invited. Maybe he's upset because you didn't go along and support him? When you are raw with grief you don't always think rationally or logically. You sound very self absorbed OP.

paulapantsdown Fri 07-Oct-16 16:15:21

If he was that close a friend, his fathers death should have warranted an actual phone call rather than a text.

LetsSplashMummy Fri 07-Oct-16 16:16:07

It isn't all about you though, I think you are misreading the whole thing and not having much empathy. He was probably not actively pushing you away, just distracted and overwhelmed. I don't know how you know who he responded to with regards texts but asking around kind of flags up that you are behaving inappropriately, a little self centred.

As for manners, I think only sending a text to an "almost best friend" is horribly rude and cold hearted after someone dies - call, visit, hug - and get off the high horse.

user1474627704 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:16:41

You didn't bother to go to his fathers funeral and think he should be thanking you? For a couple of texts?

Seriously, pull your head out of your arse. His father died. It's not remotely about YOU.

Lunar1 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:17:33

No he shouldn't thank you. You sent a couple of texts and gave money to a good cause.

ErrolTheDragon Fri 07-Oct-16 16:17:49

Since you ask, YABU.

He may have his reasons or it may be that he has other things on his mind.

edwinbear Fri 07-Oct-16 16:18:28

He's just lost his dad. I think he's pretty much entitled to react anyway he likes frankly. YABU. Which is possibly why he doesn't want to engage with you.

MadHattersWineParty Fri 07-Oct-16 16:22:24

It's not all about you.

You don't get invited to a funeral. It's not a party. If you want to pay your redirects and show support to the family you find out when it is and you go. Without making a big song and dance about it, obviously.

MadHattersWineParty Fri 07-Oct-16 16:22:48

Respects, not redirects blush

mooimevrouw Fri 07-Oct-16 16:23:08

When my Mum was dying I pulled back from my friends as a way of coping. I couldn't deal with their need to help, or to ask questions, or to be involved.
Obviously I could understand why they wanted to, because they love me and hated seeing me in pain, but I just had no emotional energy to deal with them and their needs.
I know that might sound weird to some, and I had one particular friend who took it very personally.
A good year after Mum died I did explain to that friend that I'd just found people too much, especially the ones who wanted to be more involved, and that the ones that gave me space were actually the ones I was drawn to afterwards.
I'm not sure it makes sense, but quite often grief doesn't ..

MyGreenSofa Fri 07-Oct-16 16:23:08

YABU. Sending texts really isn't anything in the way of help, and although donating money to a charity is kind it also doesn't help him. You sound quite self centred from this post to be honest.

The day my mum died a friend text me about his ex. I haven't spoken to him since, I didn't give him an explanation. Another friend sent only a text. I no longer consider them a friend either.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Fri 07-Oct-16 16:23:45

Did he really push you away, or was he, understandably distracted and busy and you ditched him?

If so he's probably pissed off at the lack of contact and thinks you're trying to make up for it by throwing money at the situation.

This really isn't about you, not even a little bit.

albertcampionscat Fri 07-Oct-16 16:26:18

His dad died. Cut the guy a break.

Planty18 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:27:03

If one of my closest friends texted me to offer support and then texted to acknowledge my father's death I might be disappointed, or indifferent but I certainly wouldn't be gushing or concentrating on replying. It's about the minimal you could do. Sorry, but yabu. He may have been distant because he was dealing with things in his own way. You need to let him grieve in his own way too, it's not about your friendship. By not going to the funeral you made the decision not to support him. He may not have noticed your absence. People often don't when they are in the thick of it. If you want to salvage the friendship you could try visiting him or calling him and asking how he is doing and being direct, say you felt he wanted space. It may not be too late.

PotatoBread Fri 07-Oct-16 16:27:45

I'd say you're not his top priority right now confused

Planty18 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:02

Oh and the donation is kind of you but is not supporting him as a friend, it's just part of the process, it doesn't replace actual support.

Comejointhemurder Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:33

Of course a recently bereaved person should put their grief aside and thank YOU for all the effort that went into sending a text.

Willow2016 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:29:35

You really didnt do much to 'help' though did you?

You sent a txt to say you were there for a chat if he wanted to and ignored him till you sent a text after his dad died, no mention of a card, flowers, you didnt even go to the funeral yet you are under the impression he should be grateful for your 'help'?

Errr what help exactly?

littlepeas Fri 07-Oct-16 16:31:03

Why on Earth would you require thanks?? Supporting a friend who has lost a parent is something you just do, without expecting to be thanked, surely?

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