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Competitive about miscarriages

(18 Posts)
mumsanddadsareequal Fri 07-Oct-16 14:00:26

My husband and I are in our late 30s, our first pregnancy ended in an ERPC at 12 weeks, the day we were meant to tell everyone the news. An old friend asked if I was pregnant yet (3 weeks after the op), I told her what happened, that we'd heard the heartbeat, we'd had scans every 2 weeks (for other reasons) so really felt excited and watched the baby's development.
She said her miscarriages had ended at 5 weeks, she only realised she was pregnant because she had a miscarriage. She has beautiful children now.
She said I should talk to a friend who had totally lost the plot after a 7 week miscarriage (she also now has children). We were all there for this friend, but she had been very harsh to everyone for 2 years because she was hurting.
I said I didn't want to, that hubby and I were trying to see the positives, and were too fragile to confide in people who'd had a destructive, rather than strenghening experience.
My friend then said "just because hers was 7 weeks, doesn't make yours worse, don't belittle her pain". A few weeks later I tried to clear the air, and explain that I wasn't belittling the 7 weeks, it was that she'd been very negative and we were trying to be positive. I was then told that I had belittled it, and had been rubbing it in, by banging on about it being 12 weeks, the operation etc and had only given details to highlight that mine was worse than an early mc.
AIBU to feel extremely hurt? I know it came across wrongly, but I tried to clear the air and instead was told off, like a child, for not being considerate enough to them both, who are now mums and had miscarriages years ago? Mine was very recent and all I wanted was sympathy, not a competition. Am I being self centred and blind to their hurt? I've only had one m/c a few months ago, and have not managed to get pregnant again; Is it normal for people to become unkind after an mc? Surely we should be understanding as women?

ParForTheCourses Fri 07-Oct-16 14:10:55

I think you may find she was projecting a little and thinking more about her own earlier miscarriages. It probably hit a very raw nerve that wasn't your fault or anything to do with you. Perhaps she's even had people make her feel that way about her or other early miscarriages? They may be mums now but sometimes that pain never goes away or takes a long time.

I had a miscarriage before 12 weeks and I found some people did just write it off as oh well at least it wasn't later. Now I'm pregnant again I get 'well that one wasn't meant to be' and 'everything happens for the best'. Which is grossly insensitive.

You are not self centered and you need to do what's best for you and speak to who is best for you. I would hope that they will support you more in the future but if not you and your dh sound like a good team and wanting to work through together and that's the most important.

I wouldn't try to explain or justify what you said anymore because it sounds like your friend can't hear it. There's no normal when it comes to miscarriage in terms of how people are or feel after or how they feel you are.

ParForTheCourses Fri 07-Oct-16 14:12:14

I am very sorry for your loss flowers. The miscarriage forums here may be a help and there is a ttc after miscarriage one too if you are still trying.

mumsanddadsareequal Fri 07-Oct-16 14:18:10

Thank you ParfortheCourses. I think you're right. I won't discuss it again with her. Mcs are such a personal thing, it's impossible to know how you or others will react. Maybe that's why only 23% of us discuss it with friends?
I've certainly been put off ever discussing it with friends should it happen again.

(She did btw, add that I shouldn't get excited until I actually have a baby).
She also said to think of it as a clump of cells. At 11 weeks (when it stopped grown), it had fingers, a little nose and toes. It wasn't a clump of cells. I think she was hurt by my comment about losing the plot at 7 weeks. and wanted to hurt back.

I'm sorry you had insensitive comments too, it doesn't help when you're feeling shit anyway. I do feel bad for saying something which hurt her when it's the last thing I meant or wanted to do.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 07-Oct-16 14:18:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The woman sounds like an utter cow, she's making everything about her.

Keep her at arms length and be kind to yourself, deal with your loss however suits you, you don't need to talk to everyone about it, you don't need do anything you don't want.

I've had losses at five weeks and a MMC discovered at 10 weeks and dealing with the MMC was hardest for me, its such a personal issue.

Nobody has a right to tell you you're grieving wrong. She sounds utterly insensitive and totally self centred.

ParForTheCourses Fri 07-Oct-16 14:23:38

Thank you smile.

I think she did want to hurt back and her comment is very cruel towards you. Please don't blame yourself, if you did upset her it was accidental and a a time you were very raw yourself. Her comment was purposeful and cruel.

I found some friends fantastic and some people I wouldn't have expected while some other close ones were surprisingly hurtful. I'm sorry you've found the same, it'd a kick in the teeth on top of the hurt you already feel.

If you want someone to talk to about anything, feel free to pm me.

GreatFuckability Fri 07-Oct-16 14:28:05

did you describe the other woman as having 'lost the plot'? perhaps thats why she got pissy with you.

its not a competition, you're right. everyone's pain and experience is different.

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 07-Oct-16 14:39:05

Did you describe her as having 'lost the plot'? Because that would probably put my back up too.

I think your friend was wrong to dig at you, but there does seem to be a lot of minimzing of early losses, and she was probably being defensive of the other friend, but also of herself. I've had a lot of people consider my losses as less significant because they were early, and without (major) complications.

I'm sorry for your loss flowers Take care of yourself.

Lovelyideas Fri 07-Oct-16 14:40:47

Agree with the wise words of ParForTheCourses Fri 07-Oct-16 14:10:55

MargaretCavendish Fri 07-Oct-16 14:40:56

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your experience. I know you didn't mean to, but it does sound like you were criticising the woman who had the MC at 7 weeks, not just with the 'totally lost the plot' comment but also by saying that she'd been very negative and we were trying to be positive. I think that does sound a bit like 'she reacted incorrectly', which is quite hurtful. I'm not really sure you get to choose whether you have a 'destructive rather than strengthening' experience.

PurpleDaisies Fri 07-Oct-16 14:51:12

I'm not really sure you get to choose whether you have a 'destructive rather than strengthening' experience.

I agree with this. I don't think you necessarily get to choose whether you react negatively or "positively"-being depressed is also common after miscarrying. Please don't describe your friend as having lost the plot.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you have inadvertently used language that could be quite upsetting. What she said to you about it just being a bunch of cells was totally inappropriate. Maybe you should both move on and not talk about it any more.

Lovelyideas Fri 07-Oct-16 15:15:49

I believe the Op may be reporting language that the other person used? But she will clarify

I am sorry for the loss too

I get what you say about positives xx x

mumsanddadsareequal Fri 07-Oct-16 16:22:09

Thank you all so much for your comments. I certainly didn't say 'lost the plot' to her, that's just my language here. The friend she said I should talk to had been very hurt and hurt others - she said friends who had had babies had 'betrayed her', she cut a lot of people out for being happy (including me when I got engaged) and wouldn't talk to anyone with children. She was not someone I wanted advice from, but saying she was destructive was, I can see, was insensitive.
I didn't mean to be hurtful and the language I used was far too blunt.

It doesn't matter how early or late an mc is, it is always painful and the hope of a baby is taken from you at any stage that it happens.

I was very sensitive and now realise that everyone is after a mc but some are kind and understanding about it and others are defensive and hurtful.
Maybe I was saying she had reacted badly, which isn't for me to judge. I never realised there was so much politics to all this.

user1474627704 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:32:09

* Is it normal for people to become unkind after an mc? Surely we should be understanding as women?*

Maybe she feels like she could say the same about you, after that conversation?

I did once have a woman tell me that I didn't understand what a "proper m/c" was like as the one had I just mentioned was at 6 weeks, and hers was at 9 weeks. She managed to look a bit contrite when I told her the other three I'd had were all after 12 weeks.
But people talk shite about everything. Why not this? IF we want people to talk about it more and bring it out into the open, we should probably start with not expecting people to talk about it in any particular way.

Scholes34 Fri 07-Oct-16 16:42:42

Now I'm pregnant again I get 'well that one wasn't meant to be' and 'everything happens for the best'. Which is grossly insensitive.

But don't forget that some people do get through these circumstances by thinking exactly that, ie that it's nature's way of dealing with what wasn't meant to be, if something's not quite as it should be. Because people deal with miscarriages in such different ways, it can make it difficult to talk to people.

mumsanddadsareequal Fri 07-Oct-16 16:45:44

user1474627704, I think it is dreadful for anyone to say one is 'proper' and one is not. I'm so sorry that was said to you, I'm also sorry that you have gone through this 4 times, it seems so cruel.

I think I have learnt my lesson. I won't discuss miscarriages with anyone, old friends or not.

Thank you everyone for your comments, they've helped me see things differently.

MrsRaymondReddington Fri 07-Oct-16 16:48:05

Unfortunately people sometimes cannot sympathise or empathise properly because they allow their own personal experiences to get in the way, so do try not to get tangled up in the politics of it. If it's just a shoulder you need, sometimes it's best to talk to someone who (as far as you know) hasn't experienced the same. I'm very sorry for your loss OP flowers

ParForTheCourses Fri 07-Oct-16 18:01:21

Scholes34 while I appreciate that it was still very insensitive especially as she then compared it to losing a job. I could accept it from others as being well meaning, from her it was blasé.

If you don't know what to say you let the other person lead. You'll soon know if they need those kind of words.

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