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To ask how you split responsibilities on mat leave?

(90 Posts)
Onthedowns Fri 07-Oct-16 06:43:43

Myself and DH at breaking point one of main factors is how I am doing everything around the house - except putting bins out! He will occasionally drop DD to school also. Also he says I should be doing all night feeds as 'that's what I am off work for' we have 7 month old DS who is crap sleeper started out premature in SCBU then horrendous reflux and cmpi. Just started to get under control , my DD who is 4 just started school. DS wakes anytime between 3:4 still and can take an hour sometimes more to go back to sleep tonight he woke 345 then sleep till 6. I haven't been able to sleep as he's been tossing and turning. I do this every night. DH has sales job does travel but no more than 2 hours each way and not usually very early starts. It's meetings and office based not manual work, although appreciate driving dangerous when tired. He is extremely busy so I try to do most things however I am extremely tired from constant waking and my sleep pattern is shot, I also have DD to think about. Wednesday DH left house at 7 got back at 7 then went straight to football training then home 2330 after training pub etc then complains of being tired. He plays football every Sunday morning also. Last Friday night he went for a drink with friends came home 130am! This was local also. I have DD to get ready etc too. My argument is he's tired as doesn't manage his time and through choice makes himself worse. Mine is sheer exhaustion of housework cooking cleaning washing shopping two kids . Any ideas?

thenewaveragebear1983 Fri 07-Oct-16 06:55:37

When he's at work, you're at work. The rest of the time it's 50/50.
Didn't want to read and run, i'll come back later flowers

HappyHeart87 Fri 07-Oct-16 06:59:33

That sounds awful for you.

We didn't really negotiate duties etc on mat leave but imo a relationship is about supporting and looking after the other person, not doing the minimum you can get away with. That's how both DH and I approach our family responsibilities (and what our expectation of each other would be). It wouldn't occur to either of us that it was ok for us to have leisure / relaxing / hobby time if the other one wasn't able to do that as well.

I read another thread on here where a poster suggested that if (for example) your DH works / travels 50 hrs a week, then the 'first' 50 hours of your SAHP stuff should count as your responsibility (6am - 4pm Monday to Friday covers this). To be completely fair then all additional stuff should be split between you.

How would you expect him to respond if you told him gently that you are tired and while you understand he is too, you feel like you need him to do more? If he's not going to respond to that lovingly and positively and with regard for your feelings then isn't there a more fundamental issue here?

tofutti Fri 07-Oct-16 06:59:39

Agree with thenew, he should be helping you with 50% when he comes from work and on weekends. Does he do night time feeds on his days off?

MrsLion Fri 07-Oct-16 07:10:39

The way we eventually worked it out was to understand we both worked. Me at home, DH in paid employment out of the home.

I structured my day like a job. From 8:30- 6 I was working at home. Housework, childcare, looking after family and home etc.

But post 6pm when DH had finished his paid employment we shared everything else.

user1471421772 Fri 07-Oct-16 07:12:40

He should be helping out with nights, at least at the weekends. You should get an equal amount of leisure time, eg he does football on a Sunday, you get to do something you want on Saturday.
Tbh he doesn't sound particularly supportive. Have you tried sitting him down at a relaxed time (eg not straight from work, minute kids are in bed etc) and told him about how you feel? I have struggled this week so my DH has done all night feeds. I then get up at 5 and he goes back to bed til 7. We both get a lie in each at the weekend (although I'll probably give him both as he's been so great). Relationships should be about give and take.

DoinItFine Fri 07-Oct-16 07:20:15

I think if DH had ever started imagining my maternity leave made him my boss, I would have asked him to live elsewhere until he remembered I was his wife.

olafisking Fri 07-Oct-16 07:21:46

How we organised night wakings on mat leave was that DH would stay up till 11ish in the week to do the last feed while I'd go to bed at 9. That would usually be enough for me to get through the 2am waking and be OK even if I didn't get a lot after that, but if I'd had a bad run of nights he would do more. Once I was back at work we split the night so he was in charge till 1am and then I was in charge after that. Housework was split fairly evenly - DS would only nap on my lap so couldn't get much done as he wanted constant motion/action the rest of the time!

Honestly your husband sounds like he has checked out and is not willing to adjust life to the new baby. When do you get to go out till late or even have time away? He sounds like a spoilt brat.

Penhacked Fri 07-Oct-16 07:28:43

I think your dh sounds unkind and unsympathetic.

I would say either he is as tired as you, in which case bedtime is 10pm and to knock his hobbies and drinking on the head, or he is not as tired as you in which case he can share some night/morning responsibilities. I do all night feeds, but mine is breastfed and cosleeping so not too horrendous and I also lie down and mumsnet when she naps, dh doesn't expect a pristine house
When he gets home we both cook/childcare etc until both are asleep (then collapse!)

Velvian Fri 07-Oct-16 07:32:48

Can you point out that it is not safe for you to be so sleep deprived and in sole charge of a baby & small child?
I remember when we had DD the midwife or HV suggested to DH that when he was making his packed lunch (see what she did there) he could make one for me too in case I didn't get a chance to eat. The look of shock on his face was brilliant! -Didn't happen, but comments like this from outsiders really help.
Remind him you are looking after his children without help and they need to be safe.
Actually, if he was your boss there'should no way he could get away with enforcing those hours on you.

Velvian Fri 07-Oct-16 07:34:40

there's - stupid phone!

SavoyCabbage Fri 07-Oct-16 07:35:31

My dh took over with the dc when he came home. He did bath and bed and most of the nights as he saw that as his time with them.

hannahpan Fri 07-Oct-16 07:36:10

It sounds remarkably like my home situation to be honest. My DH seems to think that because he physically leaves the house to go to work every day (9-5 office job) that can t entitles him to a get out pass on everything else at home because I'm not working.

I probably do spoil him and go along with it a bit too much - tea ready for when he gets home everyday, lunches all made, all housework is mine - but I don't like it.

We regularly have discussions about it and I've realised it's really not worth it to just argue all the time so I've started keeping quiet.

Hopefully you don't end up at that point, it's not fun.

Tangoandcreditcards Fri 07-Oct-16 07:36:37

We swapped. So DP is on SPL whilst I'm at work, long commutes.

I do night wakings (for 2.5yo and 9mo) at the weekends. I batch cook for them all at the weekends too. I'm back in time to do bath and bed 2-3 days per week. But I admit I don't do much else in the week, I'm out of the house 12h and too shattered for anything much after work (I'd be too shattered to play football for sure!) . (We have a cleaner). My laundry but is towels and bedding at the weekend.

If he's playing football for hours a week though, do you get an equal time to do "your" activities? We try and have equal time out of the house (not counting work and commute). Nights out, hobbies etc. It really doesn't sound like he's being fair on you.

Velvian Fri 07-Oct-16 07:48:15

It would actually be easier if he wasn't there OP

Onthedowns Fri 07-Oct-16 07:48:59

I don't get equal time money is an issue obviously but I don't think husband gets it, he is tired I get that mentally stressful job, he will sometimes work in evenings but I just think he needs to stop the training etc if he's tired we are mid 30s not teenagers

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 07-Oct-16 07:50:39

It's mat leave, not domestic drudgery leave. It's for bonding with and caring for a demanding new baby,not full time homemaking. Might be different if you actually gave up work to be a sahm although even then, employed people get time off during the week so no reason why you shouldn't.

Your husband is an idiot. Don't enable this exploitation.

Weetabixandtoast Fri 07-Oct-16 07:56:14

I think a lot of them think like this but doesn't make it right. Personally I think you are both at 'work' 8-6 or whatever and then it should be 50/50 rest of time.
Mine never gets up in nights so I enforced he had to do mornings - take both kids so I could have a lie in and a shower. It's quite good to get your DH to do this time as he should be there every morning and doesn't impact social life.
I'd want him to cut back his training too - not fair on you.

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 07-Oct-16 07:59:59

I breastfed so tbh had prepared myself for the night feeds, but it's great if you have the option of help with night feeds. But night feeds aside, we just both muddled through and we're aware which if us needed a break. So when ds was tiny he often wouldn't settle back to sleep after 4am, so I'd feed him and dh would take him downstairs with him until he needed another feed before dh went to work. As ds got a little older I continued to do the night feeds because there were fewer of them and let dh sleep before work, but dh gave me a lie at weekends. I'd do stuff like prepare dinner for evening meal so dh didn't have to do that when he got home and make sandwiches for the following day but dh pitched in with everything else that needed doing. If stuff didn't get done because I'd had a nap during the day then it waited and one of us would do it. And because dh wasn't able to help with feeding he enjoyed doing bathtime etc. We both ensured each other got some 'leisure time'. But this was all with one baby. Our second is due in November and ds will be 6, so dh is fully prepared to do a lot to get ds sorted for school in the mornings etc. Dh also now does judo and cycling, so the trick will be ensuring I get as much leisure time as him.

DoinItFine Fri 07-Oct-16 08:03:10

He would have to do that job and provide for his children even if your marriage ended.

But tgen he would have to donall his own cooking and cleaning and look after his children on his own sometimes.

Basically being married to you is just providing hik with a servant he doesn't have to pay.

Honestly, tell him to fuck off until he stops being such a lazy cunt.

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 07-Oct-16 08:04:07

I'm depressed at how many women up thread have been worn down into accepting this shit from selfish pigdog men. Don't let it happen OP.

TellMeStraight Fri 07-Oct-16 08:04:35

DP would put one DC to bed whilst I did the other, would look after the baby until 11pm so I could get a couple of hours sleep in before the horrendous night, he would look after the toddler in the night if she got up and would do night feeds at the weekends.

I was on maternity leave to look after DC during WORKING hours. Everything else was 50/50

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 07-Oct-16 08:07:43

Presumably most of these twats were able to do some housework before they had kids. What is it about a woman going through pregnancy, childbirth and then endless feeding round the clock that suddenly makes the men so weak and helpless?

TellMeStraight Fri 07-Oct-16 08:07:44

Oh and meals would be cooked by whoever could be arsed, the housework never got done and once we had DCs I stopped doing his washing (and he stopped doing mine). I did mine and the DCs washing, he did his own.

expatinscotland Fri 07-Oct-16 08:12:32

It's not 'helping', it's his fair share of caring for his own kids!

Who wiped all these men's arses before they had kids? They were 'tired' when they got home from work and still had to feed themselves, pay bills, etc.

Stop enabling this sexist behaviour.

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