about my wedding and my family? (NB no bridezilla here, honestly)(14 Posts)
OK, I GET THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL BE AS INTERESTED AS US IN OUR WEDDING
as my mother points out constantly but:
The first time I saw my family after I got engaged, no one even mentioned it. Not a "congratulations", "whens the wedding", nothing!
When I brought it up my Step Dad said "I don't see what pleasure you get in forcing me to come to your wedding."
(My mother later said, you do remember the right words, but not the right meaning. Excuse me, what other meaning do those words have?)
I asked my brother yesterday if he could do the non religious reading at our wedding. He said - it could possibly mention god, I would rather not, Oh yes, and can you hurry up with this conversation - I want to have dinner. (Now he phoned me, and I haven't spoken to him since Christmas)
I haven't heard anything from my other two brothers since they were invited.
My sister has agreed to be bridesmaid but it was all very complicated and painful. I issued the invite through my mother as I didn't want her to feel pressurised, I only want people involved who want to be involved. She said to my mother. "I would love to be bridesmaid" and didn't call me for the next three months. I did try calling her but she didn't return my calls.
Am I totally unreasonable to expect my family to make some kind of effort? I get that its not that important to them, (DPs family are being brilliant BTW). But just some kind of enthusiasm, interest, somthing.
DP is getting really soured on my family, and I can't say I blame him.
sorry that you aren't getting the support/interest from your family. I guess it is bound to cast a shadow over what to you is such an important day.
WRT your brother and the reading, I would ask a friend or a relative of dp to do it instead - someone who would take pleasure in doing it. If your db asks, you can simply tell him it was obvious he wasn't keen and you didn't want to pressurize him.
WRT your sister, I would try and get her to commit to being a bridesmaid - I have visions of you getting to the stage of dress fittings and her turning round and saying "I've changed my mind!" I would phone and give her a date that you need to know by, so that if that date passes you can ask someone else to be a bridesmaid.
WRT your mum and stepdad, just don't discuss it with them. If they ask, then tell them what's going on, but don't expect them to be interested (they've already showed they aren't ).
But involve your dp's family as much as they want - ask them for advice, show them swatches, talk about flowers etc - let them be your outlet for your enthusiasm. Don't let your family grind you down. Easier said than done I know.
HTH - it's what I would do anyway.
i sympathise. my family are a lot more "laid back"/DISINTERESTED in lots of things that my ILs are too interested in. you just can't please me.
have yours always being like this or is it somwthing wedding linked?
agree with Miaou and Pruni
weddings and families eh?
(you will look back and laugh at this at some stage - honest!)
I take it you're not usually very close?
Do they have a problem with your DP?
They don't approve of what DP does (or what I do now come to that). But its somehow more that for them a wedding isn't an important thing.
The thing is, its really important to me, which is clear. So they not being interested at all really, just shows that I am not important to them at all.
My mother, to be fair, is trying. But non of the rest of them are at all and I almost end up feeling lke I am being unreasonable.
I certainly feel stupid for still trying.
We are trying to give up on the rest of them, but it is hard, because giving up on them now is a pretty long term thing, its not like all will be forgotten after the wedding.
We absolutly will ask a friend or a member of DPs family to do the second reading (the plan was already for his dad to do the first). It just hurts that they can't even pretend to be a little bit interested.
They sound like a bunch of impolite, um, youknows, and I think you're perfectly reasonable to be upset by it.
However, I think you would be unreasonable to keep coaxing them as they blatantly aren't interested - just ignore them as far as possible and ask your friends to be bridesmaids, do readings etc.
I feel for you though - can't be much fun .
im getting married next year and this is second time for both of us. i remember what a nightmare my family were last time interfereing etc so i have not told them yet, am organising it myself with the help of my two bridesmaids and dont intend telling any of my family til right til the last minute a case of date time place etc just turn up! have found it so much less stressful
Its difficult isn't it. Finding the right balance.
DPs family are being brilliant. Really happy for us and interested, but just want us to do whatever makes us happy.
My family. Well, not so much. There is a long history of problems with my step father, who should never have had children, and who is not prepared to even pretend to be interested in me or my life. While claiming he is at the same time, if pushed. Said recently, "I don't know why you forced me to go to your graduation" (my mother won't admit this is the situation which makes it all harder).
He is also a complete left wing hypocrit (i.e. doesn't belive in marriage, but is married, doesn't belive in home ownership, but owns a house)
With regard to my brothers. They just don't see it as important, I am now at the point of just hoping they behave themselves on the day. (something that is not guaranteed by any means).
My sister has agreed now to be a bridesmaid, and says she really wants to, But I have been really clear that I am not chasing her about it, I only want people involved who really want to be involved.
I refuse to beg any of them to be interested, but it does all hurt.
(NB my step dad hasn't even sent a message of sympathy about the miscarriage)
I think you will enjoy your wedding a lot more if you invite your family to your wedding but rely on friends starring roles. Ask someone else to be the bridesmaid, and to do the reading. In the run up, you will find their lack of interest so distracting and time consuming. What is the point of having a bridesmaid that doesn't communicate with you. The clue is in the title, she has been chosen to help you. Drop her a line or leave her a message if she won't call you and say, her lack of communication will make the 'bridesmaid' role difficult and unless the two of you can work this out you and you will need to choose another bridesmaid.
You will be so less stressed if you give up on the idea of joyful family wedding. Invite them, don't badger them for the excitement they are not going offer but surround yourself with people who will be happy for you and celebrate your choices.
Good luck OP
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