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To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

(173 Posts)
SlimbobJones Thu 06-Oct-16 10:29:05

angry

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place blush. DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises hmm. She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding hmm and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months hmm. It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 06-Oct-16 10:30:39

Distance yourself ASAP.
And send her a model for Christmas! grin

atomicpanda Thu 06-Oct-16 10:31:14

Wow what a bitch! She sounds awful.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Thu 06-Oct-16 10:33:45

Ignore her.

You sound totally cool.

smile

I paint Orcs and Goblins, btw.

CadleCrap Thu 06-Oct-16 10:34:10

YY to the model as a Christmas present.

Mysieveisbroken Thu 06-Oct-16 10:34:35

What does your dp say about her comments?

She sounds like a nightmare.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 06-Oct-16 10:34:37

It's not you. It's her.

Definitely distance yourself from her. What does your oh make of it all?

MoonStar07 Thu 06-Oct-16 10:34:59

Send her a lovely warhammer pack!

FetchezLaVache Thu 06-Oct-16 10:35:05

It really does sound like she's constantly on the alert for anything to put you down about, and I imagine she probably contributed to your anxiety in the first place!

Can I just ask - how does your DP respond to these not-so-subtle digs? The clear message that her nastiness won't be tolerated needs to come from him, or she'll take it as permission to carry on.

CadleCrap Thu 06-Oct-16 10:35:21

I am currently relaxing by watching shit on telly and stuffing my face with biscuits. Your relaxing sounds a lot more productive.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser Thu 06-Oct-16 10:35:31

Oh my god she sounds utterly poisonous, what a horrible woman. Does your DP understand how she makes you feel? Can you trust him to stick up for you?

acornsandnuts Thu 06-Oct-16 10:35:41

Sounds like she feels threatened that you are so together.

You can either ignore or ask your DP to have a word to nip it in the bud.

Bitter and nasty lady.

SlimbobJones Thu 06-Oct-16 10:35:51

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface you're also a Thrones fan, I'm on book 3 grin #teamstark

Haaa I could paint up an ogre army for her.. think she'd get the message?

acornsandnuts Thu 06-Oct-16 10:37:39

And also if there is grotesque model in your pack secretly name it after your MIL and comment on its hideousness when she's around.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins Thu 06-Oct-16 10:38:53

What a cow

BathshebaDarkstone Thu 06-Oct-16 10:40:53

I relax by MNing, and, when I don't have Internet access, playing Angry Birds Transformers! grin

SlimbobJones Thu 06-Oct-16 10:41:16

DP is actually pretty good, although he's terrified of his Mum as is his Dad.

When she made the comment about the engagement he pulled her up on it straight away by saying "Mum that's a really horrid thing to ask, I've just told you I'm going to Marry Slimbob, you say congratulations and leave it at that". He didn't know I heard.

The other times she's more subtle about it and on the couple of times he's said "Mum that's not ok" she turns it by saying "oooh I'm only kidding, she's made you so sensitive!".. hmm

I need some strategies I think!

ghostyslovesheep Thu 06-Oct-16 10:44:04

she's a cow - but you know that - so don't give her digs any value - ignore it also tell your DP to stop passing on things she said to him - you don't need to hear it

be careful of this though but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me creeping into your relationship - you don't seem to view him as an equal partner - he is - don't let this kind of thinking in!

spanky2 Thu 06-Oct-16 10:45:30

She obviously has a problem. It's not you. My mil described mine and dh's wedding as 'the day that split her family forever 'hmm There are nasty people out there. Ignore, ignore and ignore. It's just her opinion it's not the truth. Don't tell her anything. Keep on very general safe topics. You have made a good life for yourself. Be proud.

SlimbobJones Thu 06-Oct-16 10:48:16

Forgot to add that DP is very very aware how it makes me feel when she makes these digs, usually after she's left he says things like "so sorry about my Mum" and gives me a cuddle. He's said before that he finds her embarrassing and in 9 years we've only introduced her to my parents twice, despite them living 6 miles apart. Both times I was on edge the whole night and she did make a comment (I cant even remember what it was) and my DM just gave me a hmm look across the table.

She used to "pop round" twice a week.. if we weren't in on "her days" she'd knock on at the neighbors house to get the key and let herself in. I'd come home from work/ dinner out and she'd be there with a cup of tea. We put a stop to that because she hates dogs (she told DP he was allergic to dogs throughout his childhood to stop him wanting one as a pet)... so we now have 2 dogs and she's not "popped round" without us there since! grin

shovetheholly Thu 06-Oct-16 10:49:00

Ooooh, she sounds horrible slimbo. I'm so sorry she's been so nasty to you. flowers

LurkingHusband Thu 06-Oct-16 10:50:43

(I only read the OP ...) I think the phrase you might have been reaching for is

^and you can fuck right off

?

SlimbobJones Thu 06-Oct-16 10:50:45

ghostyslovesheep very good point. The truth is though that without DP I wouldnt have had the confidence to go to Uni, would also be living at home and my life would consist of working part time and eating biscuits blush. We are a team to the bitter end and always will be smile

Agerbilatemycardigan Thu 06-Oct-16 10:51:17

Could you maybe paint one of the dwarves to look like her, and as PP suggested give it to her as a gift, or would that be unfair on the dwarf?

ghostyslovesheep Thu 06-Oct-16 10:53:34

that's good - keep loving each other x

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