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To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

(160 Posts)
BummyMummy77 Thu 06-Oct-16 01:51:04

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming grin.

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

Tartyflette Thu 06-Oct-16 02:00:37

If my MIL had said anything like that i would have replied that if he refused to give money for food for his own child then he was no sort of a father at all and he wouldn't be a husband for much longer either, as obviously I would have no alternative but to leave, taking DS with me, to find work.

napmeistergeneral Thu 06-Oct-16 02:01:55

No. YANBU. Its a shitty attitude from both of them. The mother especially should know better. Maybe she is the origin of your DH's shitty attitude.

You sound like you're doing a stellar job - and I mean job - looking after your family and household. Hold your head up high. They are seriously undervaluing you.

napmeistergeneral Thu 06-Oct-16 02:04:01

And what tartyflette said! Witholding food from your own child? Even said in jest that's in piss poor taste.

SoTheySentMeA Thu 06-Oct-16 02:04:48

YA SO NBU! How nasty of them! Yes he works all day but so do you! DS is both of your responsibility, there is nothing wrong with asking his father to do half the childcare duties like taking them to the loo! I don't know how you keep your temper with comments like that flowers

PomBearWithAnOFRS Thu 06-Oct-16 02:06:43

Point out that you work to grow the food! And YOU could be self sufficient without DH, so if he wants to leave and just send HIS SON some money every so often, to go for it.
DH and MiL really haven't thought much about what you actually do have they?
Perhaps excuse (up to a point) DH because he can't help the values and principles his mother raised him with, but point out that DS is his son too, and that you are supposed to be a team. It's about so much more than money.

JellyTipisthebest Thu 06-Oct-16 02:12:02

Ignore them, I would also say you need to be taking turns taking him to the loo. I know roofing is hard manual labour but being at home with a potty training 3 year old as well as growing food and keeping animals is not sitting down doing nothing either.

Potty training tip. Not when out with family but when you know he defiantly went to the toilet last time ask if he can wait until you have done what ever you are doing. It becomes a control things they know if they say they need a wee you drop everything and run. We had to do this with ours on car journeys as you can't always stop. Most of the time they can wait and you will learn if they can't.

WanderingTrolley1 Thu 06-Oct-16 02:12:11

Yanbu.

How nasty.

ChequeOff Thu 06-Oct-16 02:19:42

Awful. Just awful OP.

I've never said this before but really, I truly woul LTB and his godwaful family

abisothergran Thu 06-Oct-16 02:21:07

No you are not being unreasonable. Your mother in law is a nasty ignorant bitch who has done a piss poor job of raising her son . You have a full-time job as has your husband When he is not working at his job childcare should be shared. Your mother in laws outdated beliefs will be impossible to change but you should attempt to calmly re-educate your husband and also ensure that you raise your son to be a better father than your husband currently is .

BummyMummy77 Thu 06-Oct-16 02:21:17

Thanks. I was in tears when we got home and dh said I'm being over sensitive (my Dad's just been diagnosed with cancer so I'm aware I am quite often).

I feel so crap about not earning. I left home at 16 and have always been self sufficient so it's been a change staying at home to look after ds and everything else but to be honest I'm busier than when I worked 12 hour days! The same as any parent is I'm sure.

It's just really bloody sad when you feel all proud of yourself and realise nobody else actually does.

As for the potty training, I did a TERRIBLE thing in my desperation to get it done before winter (it gets to -40 here in a couple of months- clusterfuck for wet trousers) I started offering treats. Only for poo though. Irony is, I've potty trained over 30 kids and none without treats or this hard lol!

BummyMummy77 Thu 06-Oct-16 02:21:42

I mean none of them had treats.

missm0use Thu 06-Oct-16 02:34:23

What a cunt! I'd have made a comment about its no wonder your DH is so rude and has bad manners as he must have picked it up from his DM. Which is surprising as she clearly places money above the health and wellbeing of her family - otherwise why else would she think it's okay to suggest letting her own DGC starve!

DixieWishbone Thu 06-Oct-16 02:41:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenCarpetJewels Thu 06-Oct-16 02:46:18

Oh OP that's awful.

I would like to think I would have got up and left, taking DS with me, after MIL's fucking nasty comment, perhaps just saying "Okaaay...we'll be leaving now."

Italiangreyhound Thu 06-Oct-16 02:50:19

YANBU.

I would talk to dh and explain how incredibly hurtful and unkind his comment was.

I would speak to your MIL separately and explain what a very hurtful and ridiculous comment her comment was, ending with "I am sure if i called you and told you that your son was allowing his wife and child to starve you would be the first one to step in and speak to him. But of course by that point we would be long gone!"

DustOffYourHighestHopes Thu 06-Oct-16 02:50:35

YANBU

BummyMummy77 Thu 06-Oct-16 03:01:41

I did up and leave. I'm used to speaking my mind and not letting people walk all over me but not earning has knocked my confidence to be honest.

The trouble is I used to have a bad temper and that's the last thing I want to surface with my in laws as I'm living abroad and that's the only family ds and I have here. I'm not good at making calm 'that upset me' comments.

I think I'll back right off from them from now on, I've had a rocky year with them for one reason and another, the most hurtful thing is dh's comments I guess.

Hidingtonothing Thu 06-Oct-16 03:06:48

Probably not helpful at all but I would react to this in the most petty and bloody minded way. I would tell DH that his and MIL's comments have made you feel you should be working outside the home and start bombarding DH with major discussions and planning outlining exactly how much extra work he's going to have to do around the house and to look after DS and the animals when you've found a job.

His evenings would be suddenly full of questions about how he was going to fit in helping with the food you grow, which household jobs would suddenly be his responsibility, which days he would pick up DS and organise a meal for you all and how you will both handle the problems it sounds like you would be bound to have with the substandard daycare DS will have to make do with.

I suspect he may quickly realise the true value of what you actually do as SAHM and, once he has, I would be expecting him to put MIL straight if she ever dared make snidey comments again. As a PP said MIL is probably a lost cause but DH badly needs educating and with him in your corner rather than hers she may at least have to learn to keep her nasty, unfair opinions to herself.

I'm furious on your behalf OP and so sorry you're having to deal with this shit on top of your DDad's diagnosis flowers

abisothergran Thu 06-Oct-16 03:18:37

Did you by any chance previously work in childcare BM?If so -Sounds as if your island could do with some other childcare provision -might there be a future business opportunity for you?Family earnings belong to the family not the person currently earning.I would be having a serious but if at all possible calm discussion with your husband about his beliefs and values as his mothers are toxic.Your most important job in life is raising your son -as is your husbands.That should be a joint effort and together you decide what works best for the family as a whole.Your husband needs to tell his mother to refrain from comment in future .

flumpybear Thu 06-Oct-16 03:37:20

Bunch of bastards!!! So he works 8 hours a day but you work 24?! Nope!! He's home from work and childcare is then responsibility of both parents!! Not just you .... his mum should have butt out, not her place to comment!!

ShmooBooMoo Thu 06-Oct-16 03:41:20

She needs to be told to mind her own business...wow!

Canyouforgiveher Thu 06-Oct-16 03:45:47

I've seen your other threads.

To be honest, I have no idea why you have chosen this life for yourself.

Your dh must be some man at other times for you to put up with what you do.

I wouldn't.

Benedikte2 Thu 06-Oct-16 03:51:00

Your MIL probably doesn't feel you do nothing Bummymummy but wanted to jump into the argument with what she felt was a "witty" comment. I can understand how hurt you feel but try not to take it to heart and work on your DH's attitude.
Good luck

Agerbilatemycardigan Thu 06-Oct-16 04:12:02

YANBU OP - I'm worn out just reading about what you do!

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