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AIBU to think this isn't what happens in a normal relationship?

(161 Posts)
Willdrama Wed 05-Oct-16 21:08:16

"D"P and I have one child together and one on the way. We live in a house that we moved to earlier this year. The mortgage is solely in his name and the house that was sold to buy this one was bought before he met me.

I gave up my job when I was on maternity leave with DS1. This was with DPs full agreement after we worked out childcare compared to salary. DP earns approximately 3 times what I did.

The plan is that I register as a childminder and will start taking children after DC2 is old enough that I feel ready. The discussed plan then is that we will use my income to overpay on the mortgage so we can be mortgage free sooner or move to a bigger house with more deposit. So although I'm not contributing now, I will be.

I found out that DP had a will made through his company (law firm) that in the event of his death splits the house between me and DC if he died. I was shocked as I only found out about the will months later, he had no intention of telling me and maintains it was done "as a training exercise" with a trainee.

I said that I was really upset as he is basically saying that he doesn't trust me with the house and that most couples would leave it to each other. Also if I'd paid half the mortgage through overpayment the half he "left" me wouldn't be inherited anyway I'd have paid for it and so he had basically cut me out by leaving his half to the DC. I said I was really hurt that he was basically saying he didn't trust me to ensure DC were financially ok if he died.

His response was "if I died tomorrow, you might meet someone else and get married then if you die they inherit all MY stuff"

I said he was basically proving my point and he said I'm twisting it.

Its not a normal way to think of your supposed partner is it? Aibu?

jessica29054 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:09:43

I agree with him.

I'd leave any assets to my child not my husband.

DerekSprechenZeDick Wed 05-Oct-16 21:10:18

I honestly don't see the problem with him leaving it to your and your DC.

He's left to the most important people to him.

No, it absolutely isn't.

You need to see a solicitor and get on the deeds/mortgage as of now.
If anything happens you are left with absolutely nothing.
Don't put you and your children in that position.

CookieLady Wed 05-Oct-16 21:11:19

I've done the same as your DH. In this day and age it'd be foolish not to.

By anything, I mean a split.

alafolie29 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:13:26

You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position by giving up work and having children with a man you are not married to.

To answer your question, I would not accept this in my relationship.

Willdrama Wed 05-Oct-16 21:13:28

Jessica I understand that if it is a new husband and child from a previous marriage. But this is OUR family. If it was the other way around, I'd worry what if he needed to move due to old age and he wouldn't own the house. Or if he needed care.

Not that it would even occur to me to think like that anyway.

jessica29054 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:13:56

A split wouldn't prompt a will, though - that would be division of assets.

The DH is quite right.

Let's say he was to die in five years, when OP has a seven year old and a four year old (I don't know the ages of the children.) OP marries again when her children are ten and seven. She dies when they are twenty five and twenty two. The house she owns goes to her husband.

It's sensible and pragmatic. I'd be surprised if anybody didn't do it.

Longlost10 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:13:56

I totally agree with him. Having benefited HUGELY from the assets of someone I never even met, married to a distant female relative of mine, he died, then she died shortly after. How he would actually have liked his assets distributed I have absolutely no idea, as i said, I never even met him

jessica29054 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:14:21

But, as gently as possible, you should think like that.

witsender Wed 05-Oct-16 21:14:46

Do not contribute to the mortgage if it is not in your name, and you are unmarried. Be very careful.

I can see both points of view tbh. We have standard, leave it all to each other wills. However in the event of remarriage a clause would need to be put in I guess.

alafolie29 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:14:52

You're right, it should be 'your' money, not 'his'. But by giving up work and not getting married you haven't left yourself in a very good bargaining position. I would not count him as a man to rely on.

Daisiespurple Wed 05-Oct-16 21:14:53

He is right to do that

thehugemanatee Wed 05-Oct-16 21:15:06

Hmm don't know. I think I'd probably leave everything to the kids tbh. Surely though you should officially own half the house anyway so he would be leaving half of his half to you and half to the kids. You should be on the deeds and own half if you're not already.

Fairylea Wed 05-Oct-16 21:15:22

You're very vulnerable not being on the deeds to the house if you are not married.

I owned my home before dh moved in but when we remortgaged to extend the house was put into both our names. We are both contributing to the household in different ways. One working, one stay at home parent, two children, one disabled. We are both equals and the house is equally ours.

I would not be comfortable in your situation.

Longlost10 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:15:32

Or if he needed care but if he owned the house outright, it would be sold for his care, and the children disinherited completely

BakeOffBiscuits Wed 05-Oct-16 21:16:10

This is why you shouldn't have a child and move in with someone unless these things are already sorted out.


cheekyfunkymonkey Wed 05-Oct-16 21:16:27

I don't see the issue. Of course he is providing for his kid. You are BU

blondieblondie Wed 05-Oct-16 21:16:36

Had a conversation with a colleague about this yesterday. He had two life insurance policies. One pays out to his DP and the other pays out to his DC. His DP fell out with him over it, but I thought i didn't see anything wrong with that.

alafolie29 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:16:48

Surely any sensible widow/er sets up their own will to make sure their children benefit from their mother/father's money and not the new husband/wife. OP it's like your partner doesn't trust you to have your children's best interests at heart.

HeyNannyNanny Wed 05-Oct-16 21:17:08

YABU about the will.
Though at some point you need to be put in the deeds evenly, as you are contributing

witchofzog Wed 05-Oct-16 21:18:13

I agree with you and Icantuckmyboobs. You need to get on the mortgage. You ARE contributing and need security I understand your dh had a property before you and if course that should be protected for him, but for what happens financially from now on should be 50 50. You are Both parents to your dc so should be equal. After all of anything happens to you he is fully protected. You need the same protection

Willdrama Wed 05-Oct-16 21:19:24


Thank uou. That's my whole point exactly. Its he fact he doesn't trust me to put the DC first if he wasn't here.

Helloitsme90 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:19:45

My husband is jointly on mortgage with me. House paid for and deposit by me (DH contributes to bills and mortgage every month we have 2 DC we both work I paid deposit)
In the event of my death, DH gets half, DC gets other half. It's sensible. People do strange things in grief or could meet someone else and not change their will so in the event of my OH death, the house could go to his knew woman (all hypothetical of course) I'm protecting my own children and the money I put upfront in the first place.

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