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To think maybe its not normal to want your dp/dh to love you the "most" out of everyone they've ever been with

(114 Posts)
WarholsLittleQueen Tue 04-Oct-16 09:34:21

Inspired by the tattoo thread

I want to be with someone who loves me "The most". I don't want to date or anything because pretty much every man my age seems to have multiple ex wives / children .....how do I know that if I got with someone he wouldn't have loved someone else more?

ExH is older than me and wasn't long out of a long marriage when we met. And he ended up going back to her briefly in the beginning of our relationship then came back to me. But I didnt know at the time, It only came out a few years down the line, we were married with 2 DC by then but then poisoned the whole relationship, I tried to limp on for a while but In the end couldn't deal. And it finally ended a while back for that and other reasons. But Even before I found out about his deceit I always felt second best as he had been married before and everything we did together in the back of mind I knew he had done it all before with someone else.

I should have met someone at 18 and got married and stayed that way....but then I would only worry that he would wonder what it was like to be with other people and vice versa.....

Do people love differently? I loved ExH the "most" out of the few relationships I had. I just wish someone would one day feel that I am the best thing that ever happened to them and every one else pales in to insignificance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Its probably not normal is it sad

<looks for 25 year old to fall head over heels with me who has only had a few meaningless relationships>

<realises 25 YO probably wont fancy 30 something me with 3 dc and a ton of baggage> hmm

rhiaaaaaaaannon Tue 04-Oct-16 09:37:13

I think it's fairly normal to not want your partner to have stronger feelings for someone else. Obsessing over it isn't healthy though and will tear any relationship apart.

Meadows76 Tue 04-Oct-16 09:39:50

I don't care if he loves me the most, he loves me NOW. That is the most important factor to me. I don't do comparisons with the past, I just go with now.

IneedAdinosaurNickname Tue 04-Oct-16 09:40:29

My bf of 8 months has asked me a few times if I love him more than I loved my ex (and father of my 2 dc). I actually refuse to answer. Not because I loved my ex more but because it doesn't matter. I don't love my ex anymore. I love my bf. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and wouldn't go back to my ex if my life depended in it.
I couldn't care less how much he loved his exes. As long as he isn't still in love with them

M0nstersinthecl0set Tue 04-Oct-16 09:40:54

I think that sort of competition over another person's feelings is for the playground. Sorry.
But there's probably a reason for feeling insecure about that, were you very shocked re ex? A big disappointment for me how my ex turned out. It changed me. You can love people for different reasons and very deeply. flowers I hope you find someone like that, if that's what you want

EvansAndThePrince Tue 04-Oct-16 09:41:18

I think you love differently. Plus now that you're in the position of having an EXH, it won't feel as bad if you are with someone who has an EXW, you'll both be in the same position. You had a bad experience with your EXH going back to his EXW but as a general rule, an ex is an ex for a reason.
That said, I'm young but married with a couple of previous relationships, and I think both me and DH have "that" relationship that wasn't finished and we both sometimes think along the lines of the grass being greener. However, they're exs for a reason. And DH and I are both our only grown up relationship (ie mortgage, marriage, kids rather than the teen style relationships) and the fact that we chose to do that with one another rather than those other people says a lot. We are both more secure than we've been in other relationships.

EvansAndThePrince Tue 04-Oct-16 09:41:22

I think you love differently. Plus now that you're in the position of having an EXH, it won't feel as bad if you are with someone who has an EXW, you'll both be in the same position. You had a bad experience with your EXH going back to his EXW but as a general rule, an ex is an ex for a reason.
That said, I'm young but married with a couple of previous relationships, and I think both me and DH have "that" relationship that wasn't finished and we both sometimes think along the lines of the grass being greener. However, they're exs for a reason. And DH and I are both our only grown up relationship (ie mortgage, marriage, kids rather than the teen style relationships) and the fact that we chose to do that with one another rather than those other people says a lot. We are both more secure than we've been in other relationships.

EvansAndThePrince Tue 04-Oct-16 09:42:12

Sorry for the double post!

timelytess Tue 04-Oct-16 09:43:34

Focus on the present moment. Whoever he is, whenever he arrives in your life, is he the one you want to be with 'in this moment, now'. If he is that for you and you are that for him, that is enough. The past and future are inaccessible to us, the present is what counts.

ToastDemon Tue 04-Oct-16 09:48:19

I do know what you mean OP, and I do actually love my DH the most (had 3 serious relationships before him) .

OllyBJolly Tue 04-Oct-16 09:49:09

I don't care if he loves me the most, he loves me NOW

What a very good way to put it, Meadows

corythatwas Tue 04-Oct-16 09:52:06

I'd want whoever I was with to love me the most NOW; that is, not to be yearning for the past or comparing me to somebody else from their past.

But I would feel it very wrong and hurtful if someone tried to go through my memories of the past and rewrite them just to feed their own insecurity.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Tue 04-Oct-16 09:52:55

I don't think that the fact someone got married and had DCs with someone is proof that they love them the most. I think it's down to circumstance as much as anything.

I defnitely love my DP the most, I crave him and still get stomach flips after 5 years together when he calls or knocks at the door. He was engaged to his ex and they had two DCs together. We are not engaged and won't have any DCs together but I still feel that he is better suited to me, that his love for me is more honest and not as superficial as that which you have for someone when you're younger.

I see them together now and can't imagine it, I don't get the connection they must have felt. Similarly with my ex, the dad of my 3 DCs - I look at him now and can't place the love I felt for him or the trauma of separation, he's just like an acquaintance most of the time.

Don't let a bad experience with your indecisive ex put you off trying to find someone if that is important. The only second best I ever feel is to DP's children, which can still be hard but is at least a competition I can never conceive of winning!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 04-Oct-16 10:00:02

People change though don't they. What people want out of life (and in their lives) at 35 can be very different to what they wanted at 25.

A person can have been completely, madly in love with somebody 10 years ago and had a fabulous relationship at that time - but then outgrown it in some way. As the saying goes "exes are always exes for a reason."

Just because a person loved another person that much in the past, it really doesn't mean that they are competition to your happiness now.

Would you feel the same way if you met a partner who had been widowed? Would you still need him to love you more, if his previous partner was no longer alive? I'm just wondering if it comes from an insecurity that a DP would always be looking to get back together with the person they "loved the most".

WarholsLittleQueen Tue 04-Oct-16 14:49:05

A person can have been completely, madly in love with somebody 10 years ago and had a fabulous relationship at that time

Fine, but I want them to feel more than they felt for that hypothetical person even when it was at its best

Would you feel the same way if you met a partner who had been widowed

I couldn't date a widow, no way (I know that is horrible of me)

* defnitely love my DP the most, I crave him and still get stomach flips after 5 years together when he calls or knocks at the door*

This is how I was with EX DH sad

See DH always said right from the start, I have never felt like this for anyone, never loved anyone so much, you are so much sexier / funnier / just all round better than any one else I have ever been with.

Obvs in his case it was bollocks as I wasn't even "good enough" never mind as amazing as he said, or why would he even (however briefly) go back to his exw?

But I would feel it very wrong and hurtful if someone tried to go through my memories of the past and rewrite them just to feed their own insecurity

And I don't want to re write any one's past. If they loved someone crazy amounts then fair play to them but I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me even more than that. Unrealistic as I well know!

exDH wants me back and it kills me because I will never take him back as I will always have the knowledge that, at one time, at some point, he preferred his ex to me. That killed it for me.

myownprivateidaho Tue 04-Oct-16 14:54:59

Sounds like the problem is your own self-esteem and not being over your ex. Maybe work on those? (That's not meant to sound glib.)

Gazelda Tue 04-Oct-16 15:05:11

My DF adored, was absolutely devoted to my DM. She died very young. He remarried and has been blissfully happy with my SM for 40-odd years.

Maybe he loved my DM because she was fun and full of passion. And maybe he loves My SM for her nurturing abilities, her strength and her intelligence.

My DF demonstrates to me that people can love in different ways, that the type of love we feel is affected by our life circumstances and that it's possible to completely, hopelessly love more than one person.

user1474627704 Tue 04-Oct-16 15:08:29

Fine, but I want them to feel more than they felt for that hypothetical person even when it was at its best

I think you're doomed to failure. Its not something you can measure like that anyway, and it sounds like you'll never be happy unless you find someone who has never loved anyone.

Oblomov16 Tue 04-Oct-16 15:14:32

Not date a widow? Good grief, whyever not?

DustyOfSkye Tue 04-Oct-16 15:15:29

Has he told you why he went back to his ex at the beginning of your relationship?

I would hazard a guess that it was something to do with familiarity of a long term relationship over a new one. But now, after proper time and 2 children, YOU have built a history and memories together.

Love and attachment are complicated things, it's not as simple (or dare I say immature) as loving someone "the most".

It sounds as though you're yearning for the loss of youthful heady passion - the way you post sounds as if you are longing for the romance of being each other's first loves.

Love deepens as you age. Puppy love turns into meaningful relationships. It would a great shame for you if by mourning for your lost youth you stopped yourself from experiencing the magic of mature love.

DustyOfSkye Tue 04-Oct-16 15:21:27

I think if you still love him and he still loves you, be kind to yourselves and give it another chance.

Every1lovesPatsy Tue 04-Oct-16 15:25:56

It's not a competition. Love ebbs and flows.

I'ld find it very pressurising if someone wanted me to LOVE THEM and only them the "most" all the time. It's very self absorbed.

I don't really get it, so what if someone has experienced similar experiences with an ex-partner, they are not identical experiences......and life isn't about comparing and contrasting. It should be enough to live in the now and appreciate how happy the now is.

Every1lovesPatsy Tue 04-Oct-16 15:28:04

I went on a date with a guy once, and it was a great date. At the end he asked me "Is this the best date you have ever been on?"... I was taking my time to ponder it and he got disappointed and said it mustn't be if you are taking so long to think about it....and the company became awkward then.

It's awkward to test someone or quiz them. I never met him again....waaaayyyyy too much pressure.

Everyone has a past.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 04-Oct-16 15:34:02

Actually I agree OP I would like to be 'loved the most'. It equates to the best relationship.

I think it is because I don't want someone who just leaves good relationships for small reasons, if their best relationships or ones they loved the most were any of their Exes, then they should have worked really hard and kept them!!

OlennasWimple Tue 04-Oct-16 15:34:04

It's a bit like a Smack the Pony sketch, to ask at the end of a date whether it was the best one ever, isn't it?

OP, I agree with pp that you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you start by insisting that your BF has to love you most of all above everyone else for ever and ever. I understand your feelings (I get irrationally jealous), but every relationship is different, every type of live is different.

And I know it sounds cheesy, but the most important love is to love yourself - it sounds as if you could work on your self-esteem before getting into a relationship and looking for love from someone else flowers

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