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AIBU?

Child maintenance query

44 replies

GettingScaredNow · 03/10/2016 21:09

Posting here for traffic.

STBXH asked me today if I would consider letting him reduce how much maintenance he pays so he can rent a flat so he has somewhere to go when he sees the kids. (He currently lives in a house share and refuses to take the DC there)

I replied to say perhaps he should pick up the hours he just voluntarily reduced at work first before asking his kids to help finance this.

His reply is outright saying that the CMA advised him to ask me this. Would they do that? We don't use the service but I will be after this as this is now the third thing to do with maintenance from him and I can't be arsed to deal with it anymore.
He says he told them I would say no and just want to make things difficult for him but they advised him to ask me anyway 'for the record'.
I'm struggling to believe this? Would they advise this?

OP posts:

Report

ClopySow · 03/10/2016 21:38

Hmmm. They may have told him he'd pay less if he had them overnight.

19lottie82 · 03/10/2016 21:40

Maybe he spoke to CM to confirm how much he should be paying, asked if it was possible to reduce this amount and they advised him to speak to you to try and come to an arrangement.

louisejxxx · 03/10/2016 21:42

I would imagine that it's more likely that he asked them whether his payments would drop if he was regularly having the kids overnight.

paxillin · 03/10/2016 22:00

Did he realise he can reduce his payments by 1/7 if he has them more than 52 nights a year? Surely this won't be enough to rent a flat?

reallyanotherone · 03/10/2016 22:08

is he paying over the csa amount calculated on his wages?

It could work for you- if he has his own flat and has reduced hours (is he part time?) he can see the kids more and pick up his share of school drop offs and running around, allow you weekends away etc.

throwingpebbles · 03/10/2016 22:14

It might be worth thinking about if it means the kids get a bit better quality time with their dad. It can't be easy if he has no place to take them? How significant a reduction would he need? Could he up his hours again first and then say you will discuss? Why did he drop his hours?

GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 07:36

He can take them to where he is now but just won't.

He was extremely abusive through out our marriage and still is being.

He has reduced his hours due to his 'brain tumour'. This thing showed up when I filed for divorce and meant he was signed off sick and it halted him moving out and this and that etc.
Now he has cut his hours so he can rest more. So the maintenance has already been cut.
It's not that much to begin with but he wants me to cut it again so he can have somewhere to take DC for a few hours on a Sunday.
This one issue alone seems sort of reasonable. But I don't see how it's sustainable. He isn't going to want to up his payments again and won't be having more then EOW anyway if he goes for an overnight stay.

It doesn't feel right that the kids have to give up their maintenance money so he can have a nicer place to live

OP posts:

reallyanotherone · 04/10/2016 07:54

Does he have a brain tumour or not? You sound like you don't believe his diagnosis.

Would you be happy with the kids being taken to a shared house? There was a thread the other day where many thought it wbu for a 15 year old to see her dad and his wife because they'd taken in a lodger.

What do the kids want? It's not really the kids giving up their maintenane money so he can have a nicer place to live is it? It's so your kids can go to their dads flat and have their own space, and not have to sit in a shared house with various unknowns. Would they rather the money or a flat to go to?

Presumably you aren't in a shared house? Your ex also has a right to his own place to parent his children. You need to reach a compromise.

If he does have a brain tumour you may get nothing in the future if he dies or can no longer work. Will you mange financially then? Do you have life and critical illness insurance?

CozyAutumn · 04/10/2016 08:04

A "nicer place to live"... In other words a place of his own. What's wrong with that? I can see why he wouldn't want to take his kids to his current place. Maybe the person/people he is currently sharing with aren't the type people to be around children iykwim.
In answer to your question I don't know. But he does need a "nicer place to live" and somewhere stable to have his children.

GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 08:19

He had a scan that showed a growth. It wasn't pressing anything and it shrank over the course of a few weeks of being monitored. Neurology department signed him off as fit and healthy to be scanned regularly simply to monitor it.

There are studio flats he could rent for same as he is paying now. But he doesn't want one of those. He wants a one bedroom flat.

I struggle to believe anything he says tbh. Our entire relationship was predicated on a lie and he has shown himself to be an accomplished liar throughout.
I find it difficult to have sympathy for him.
He bugged my flat, threatened to kill me cos I wouldn't do what he wanted. Has made more threats since of varying degrees.
He wants random and sporadic contact. We have no contact order as he was extremely resistant to it but he is now taking me to court to get one cos I won't give in to his contact demands.
Many of which involve him collecting the kids after dinner to take to the park and then dropping back late/at bedtime. Or wanting one on Saturday, the other on Sunday.
And even when he takes one he may bring that one back early and decide to take the other so I can't go out or do anything with them.

So that's why I've asked. Cos he is so manipulative I genuinely struggle to see when things are/are not reasonable.

He didn't explain his request to me. Just asked if I would consider it and when I replied saying about work I got a quite long abusive 'I told you so' message back.
I felt played by that. It felt like it was all calculated to make me the asshole and money grabbing ex wife.

He then followed that up with a link to a website called 'women's infidelity' and pretended he had accidentally sent that to me instead of his friend.

OP posts:

GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 08:28

Thing is I agree that having a place of his own would be beneficial to the kids and to me in that he would take them for a whole day instead of a few hours.
But I just feel pissed off that I'm expected to finance that.

I have to live within my means and I would expect anyone else to do so.

For example, he refuses to make his own lunch to take to work. He buys it every day.
He likes to have a coffee and a pastry mid morning. So he will go to cafe Nero which is closest to his place of work (he may have stopped this already I don't know but I doubt it). If he is still doing that it's £35 a week right there.
He has a car that costs him over £1300 a year to insure. And it is also expensive to run.
By comparison I have a car that costs me less then £400 and is cheap to run.

It doesn't seem right to me that I should be expected to help finance his rent when he won't help himself finance it

OP posts:

Longlost10 · 04/10/2016 08:35

so he does have a brain tumour. You are being very casual about this

paxillin · 04/10/2016 08:44

His child maintenance won't go down if he doesnt have the kids overnight. One on Saturday, one on Sunday and dropping off for bedtime means 0 nights? Just go via the CMS.

GettingScaredNow · 04/10/2016 08:54

In respect to the tumour. I was present for a few of the consultations and neurologist said a large percentage of people have these growths but we never know as we're never scanned

OP posts:

londonrach · 04/10/2016 08:54

You really dont like him. He has a brain tumour. I can understand why he doesnt want to have the children back to a shared flat. You need to talk to csa to make sure hes buying the right amount. Look at this as a benefit if he has the children over night you can work, see friends etc.

londonrach · 04/10/2016 08:55

Paying not buying!!

Moreisnnogedag · 04/10/2016 08:57

I don't think he gets to use his children's money to get a place if he has decided to drop his work hours.

And Long no he doesn't have a brain tumour in the way that he is implying. it certainly seems he's latched onto it so that he can opt out of responsibility.

paxillin · 04/10/2016 09:01

I think a contact order and CSA are the way to go. This way there are no random demands for odd days or reduction in payments. He will know what flat he can afford once the payments have been set. You will need to let go a little, his Nero habit, lunch and number of bedrooms are none of your business.

Pretenditsaplan · 04/10/2016 09:05

I remember your post before when you originally found the recording device in your living room. He's manipulating you now as he was then. The growth I think surprised him. He expected the Dr to give him the all clear but to lie to you about it. As it was he was telling you he had brain cancer and didn't know how long he had left so you'd feel like you were unreasonable to force him to move out. Yes he had a growth but as you say if he hadnt of been trying to contact you in the first place he'd if never known about it and it wasn't doing any harm. Now he's trying to get you to pay for his living accommodation again with the threat of 'the kids welfare' and 'court' go to the cms yourself and ask them to deal with it. One less thing he can try and press you on. All questions can be met with 'the cos are dealing with it. Speak to them."

Pretenditsaplan · 04/10/2016 09:06

*the cms are dealing with it. Stupid phone

Fidelia · 04/10/2016 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longlost10 · 04/10/2016 10:52

I think this thread is full of people with no experience of the reality of

it was diagnosed as a benign growth and it actually shrank

for example, you can be fir for work, with adaptions, and still be considerably disabled. Benign growths can and do press on things, obviously, there is no spare space in the brain for it not to. They can and do cause pain, disability and death. There is nothing trivial about this condition at all, but it seems to be being dismissed as hypochondria, just because he is disliked.

I doubt many posters on here would be happy to be walking round with a benign growth in their brains, nor for anyone to trivialise it, if it was them

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Fidelia · 04/10/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HKHKHR · 04/10/2016 12:16

I remember your post. Don't help him. Go through official channels for everything. He is trying to control and manipulate you again. I don't think he would take the children for a day at a time even if he had the flat he wanted.

reallyanotherone · 04/10/2016 12:36

Fidelia is he asking to pay less than the cms amount? I did ask upthread but didn't see a reply.

He is asking to pay less than he is currently. We do not know whether that is more or less than cms.

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