AIBU to think that the teacher was BU?

[Frarling]

My 4yo DS is a Summer boy and just started reception. The teacher pulled me aside saying that she's concerned about DS, about pretty much everything: speech, understanding, gross motor skills, fine motor skills, socialising. He has a minor speech delay, but keeps making progress (he's bilingual). He's shy in front of new situations, he will take him a while to get used to the school environment. He's been going to nursery since he was 6mo. The nursery had no concerns over him (just the speech, but evidently never though that it was bad enough to refer him). He's sociable, but takes him a while. Had lots of mates at nursery. He's not very confident perhaps. She didn't say the word autism, but she was asking questions about his socialising as he plays a lot on his own and with the same toys.

For all these reasons, AIBU to think that she shouldn't have voiced all of these concerns in front of him? Why try to work hard on his confidence and this is not going to help him. He hasn't done anything wrong except being himself (I would feel different if he smacked another student, for example, in which case it's ok for me to have a chat in front of him).

I have no problem with the teacher telling me about her concerns, but I'm upset he was there to hear about this.

Thanks

[YouTheCat]

She sounds a bit daft. She's known your ds for a few weeks.

I have two kids who are autistic. I see autism everywhere. However, I'd be loathe to put my view to a parent based on such a small snapshot of him. That's why there are professionals whose job it is to diagnose these things.

She should have at least waited a full term to see how he settles.

[Willow33]

Yes very odd that she did it in front of him. The main point however is those concerns. What is the school going to do about them - I am guessing he will be assessed by the senco first.
Just have a word with her about the secondary issue of talking in front of your child and ask her if she can do it on a way when he is out of earshot next time.

[Frarling]

Thank you. Obviously I'm devastated to hear all these concerns, but keen to address them if I need to. I've asked what I can do and she said "take him to the park, encourage him to climb" as if we don't! She's noticed that he's insecure in the climbing frame as an example of the gross motor skills.

The next step is to continue to monitor him until November (parents evening).

Thanks everyone

[imnotreally]

She was right to bring her concerns to your attention. It would be better if she hadn't done it in front of him tho.

[Trifleorbust]

She was doing her job. If your son understood a word of it I'd be very surprised.

[myownprivateidaho]

Hmm. Did she have an opportunity to talk to you without him though? I'd imagine she only sees you when you come to pick him up or drop him off? Honestly, the fact that you emphasise that the nursery didn't pick anything up etc makes it sound like you're just upset at hearing this view, rather than the fact that it was in front of your DS. I agree with a PP that she is just doing her job and he is unlikely to have understood the conversation.

[Frarling]

He may be shy but he's not stupid. He would have understood. As I said, I agree the teacher is doing her job by voicing her concerns, but I'm upset that he was there to listen all the things that are "wrong" with him, and wonder if this is normal.

[Willow33]

Ask for the senco to observe him before the Nov evening meeting so by then they could talk to you more constructively or have a separate meeting with you.

[Trifleorbust]

I think it's fairly normal, if she was professional about it, I.e. "He can do X but not Y"

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

I agree that ideally she shouldn't have talked about all that in front of your son, but I must say I'm impressed that she is so alert to possible difficulties and the need to try to address them without delay if necessary. The experience of many parents of children with SN is that it's an uphill struggle to get teachers to accept the SNs or even notice them, so to have one as proactive and observant as this is a distinct blessing.

[Sirzy]

Problem is unless she waits until parents evening - probably a couple of months away - writes to you - too impersonal? - asks you to make an appointment to see her - make you panic? - what else is she supposed to do?

Most children that age it will simply go over their heads, ds teachers often pass on messages and things at the end of the day. It's the easiest time to do it.

[FlouncingIntoAutumn]

I think that possibly your annoyance at the teacher is a desire to protect your son and that it's better she raised these issues with you now rather than waiting for parents evening.

At four I really don't think he'd understand the concept of motor skills or social skills for that matter and this really shouldn't affect his confidence.

She will have seen summer babies in every reception class she's taught. She knows the difference between slightly younger and possible delays.

When she says encourage him to climb she's possibly not saying you don't, in fact you could hear her words as keep doing what you are if you are encouraging. Some children just take more encouragement and practice than others.

My eldest is dyspraxic (major motor skills issues) and autistic. He has needs lots of practice at all sorts of physical things. I spent hours and hours slowly rolling a soft ball to him on the floor with our legs spread wide in front of us as the buffer bars. After about two years we built up to gently throwing. At approaching 13 he can catch a soft ball at close range when warned it's coming towards him.

It's better to be aware of potential issues, observe and work on it than live in constant hope it'll just stop being an issue over time. With work it really shouldn't be an issue over time.

If the speech was a slight concern at nursery and has been flagged again why not ask your GP for a referral. Being understood by his peers will help further establish friendships as the year goes on.

[Wrinklytights]

At my kids' school, if the teacher wants a word they leave your DC on the mat with the TA so that they can take you to one side to discuss in private. Better way of doing it IMO

[imnotreally]

My daughter has autism. The first time the nursery (it wasn't even nursery it was cylch but I can't think what it's called in English) said someone was coming out to check a few things and they handed me a leaflet and it said the main reason this person came out was for autism I was livid. Nothing wrong with my daughter etc etc. Really upset. So I can understand your reaction OP.

But as has been said, getting school to notice any issues is horrendously hard. Be grateful they've picked up on some issues and are prepared to put things in place to help him. He may never have a diagnosis. Whatever they do now may be enough to help him come on enough to cope with school.

[Allthewaves]

All my boys have been in daycare. The daycare didn't pick up on eldest adhd or middles possible asd. Talking to daycare manager in later years, she said daycare wouldn't voice opinion incase parents get upset and remove from daycare

[allowlsthinkalot]

There isn't really Cylch in England, notreally, nearest thing would be a playgroup?

I'd have sent dc off to play in the yard while I spoke to the teacher or expected her to do the same, agree that talking in front of the child isn't ideal.

But think the teacher was right to tell you her concerns and it would be poor if she didn't. It may be that his social and motor skills are lagging behind and he will catch up in his own time, or there may be a longer term issue, but he is lucky that both teacher and parents are noticing and taking steps to help him.

[UsernameHistory]

She didn't say the word autism.

Of course she didn't. Did you want her to? She probably isn't specifically qualified to and in addition, these labels are overused when simply noticing an issue and working to resolve it will do. You've been on MN too long when you see autism everywhere.

I'd have avoided that conversation in front of a child but at the same time, I'd be amazed if they understood.

You should be pleased that the teacher noticed any problems your child has ('wrong' was your word) so early on although thinking teachers aren't idiots does go against the AIBU grain.

[Frarling]

Thanks everyone, food for though!

[Frarling]

Thought! Doh

[jessica29054]

I disagree.

If the teacher has concerns about a child as grave as these seem to be then she should certainly not be voicing them in front of the child.

It's not a 'oh maybe she should not have' it's gross misconduct and completely unprofessional and inappropriate.

[jessica29054]

Also, a bilingual summer boy will be behind aged 4.

I'd be surprised if he wasn't.