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To not go to DPS mums party

(9 Posts)
IceIceIce Mon 03-Oct-16 15:56:24

I've had enough of her attitude. Nothing my other half ever does will be good enough.

She constantly bangs on about things OH is apparently failing at. She compares our housing status to DPS brothers. We rent a 3 bed semi. He and his wife own a big 4 bed detached (which he wouldn't own without his wife due to his salary). She seems to think we live in a time where 100% mortgages are given out like sweets. She dismisses the fact that things have totally changed since she bought her house over 30 years ago.

This had been the theme since OHS grandad died (before that it was threatening to withhold inheritance because she says people on low incomes can't be trusted).

Now she has switched to constantly ridiculing my other half and my boys appearances.

The other week when the kids went back to school DS1 started reception. He was really excited to show people his uniform. She decided to rip into OH (in front of ds1) because OH had mistakenly put an odd (but same coloured just a bit big. It was one of my DDs who is older so bigger) sock on him. Ds1 was really sad. School is a big deal. He is autistic and had been looking forward to showing off his new uniform and she went on stupid over a sock.

Today it's my other half. He went round to see her with ds2. His mum immediately started ripping into DPs appearance telling him he looks like an absolute scruff and should basically be ashamed of himself and he's an embarrassment.

He doesn't look scruffy in my opinion. He's not working today. He has jeans and a v neck jumper on. They're freshly washed and there's nothing wrong with the clothes. They fit fine.

She also lays into him for not shaving daily.
He works with children who have autism and downs syndrome and one of the boys he has on a Friday is really scared by facial hair so he shaves for that. Not that it's any of her business. Plenty of men have beards. But just to show how hard she is digging for shit to throw at him.

She's invited us to a party in January and I really don't want to go. I am not going to sit around family and have her make examples of us for everything she deems wrong.

Would you go? Would you say something? I really am fed up of having my family ridiculed and held up against others.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 03-Oct-16 16:02:06

Well I would expect you - and your husband - to challenge this behaviour when it impacts your children (which it has). Why aren't either of you saying anything?

As far as the party goes, that's a red herring. It's really up to your husband to decide if he wants to go; if he does then there's no good reason for you to decline but for the fact you want to.

It's a bit silly to let things fester though for the sake of a quick and painless conversation that needn't be a confrontation, eg. "MIL, I really don't like it when you say these things in front of our children. Please stop this immediately. I will leave it up to husband to tell you that your comments upset him if they do as he is an adult - but please lay off our children and remember that you love them.". Ends.

Insert anything else about comparisons, rudeness about what you have, or don't have, etc.

Essentially though OP, both you and husband grow a pair (meant nicely). smile

IceIceIce Mon 03-Oct-16 16:06:35

Lyin - I've said things before. I just get told I'm a horrible person. The only thing stopping me bringing it up right now (I'll go round I don't mind) is because my other half asks me not to.

If he wants to go that's fine. But I don't want to and I don't particularly want my kids to either.

I've said things before.

IceIceIce Mon 03-Oct-16 16:07:27

Sorry cooking tea.

I like your version though. She can't say I'm being horrible at least.

IceIceIce Mon 03-Oct-16 16:09:30

Oh and I did say something when she started about the sock. I can't remember what I said but she did this stupid fake sickly sweet laugh and stopped it.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 03-Oct-16 16:28:38

I think he has the right to decide what is OK by him. However, as I said to DH about FIL, "when it affects my child's welfare it won't stand". I shut FIL down flat. As a result he is very wary of what he says to me and DD. I don't interfere in DH and FIL's relationship though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 03-Oct-16 16:30:21

Ice, you say, "That's your opinion, MIL. Politeness dictates that I leave it there. However, if you ever upset my children again you will not see them. Are we clear on that now?".

If your husband doesn't want to bring it up then he's complicit with her and that's HIS fault and HIS failing as a parent. He needs to protect his children from these comments, that's his job. You're doing yours. Confront him too and remind him of his responsibilities to your children.

I know it's difficult when it's an 'elder' and we're supposed to be subservient and submissive to them (they think) but there's a limit. The politeness/loving family door swings both ways... tell your MIL that.

You can do it! Husband first! smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 03-Oct-16 16:41:18

You could also say, "MIL, it's odd. For somebody who loves the children so much - and I don't doubt that you do - why would you not realise that the comments you're making upset them so? DS was so proud to show you his uniform and you completely deflated him. Did you realise that you did that? I couldn't believe it of you. You're generally such a lovely person (even if she isn't) and this wasn't worthy of you. I really won't allow that to happen again as he was SO upset".

IceIceIce Mon 03-Oct-16 16:52:51

Mrs terry - yeah don't get me wrong, OH is free to do as he pleases. If he wants to sit there and endure that he's an adult he can go do it.

We've been together for about 7 years so it's a fairly long running thing. The inheritance thing I never said anything because I knew the reality of the situation legally. She never followed through with them as we suspected she wouldn't (and the quick end to that one makes me think she went to the solicitor who told her she was out of order).

I snapped one day when she referred to my other half as being drug dependant (he was on a low dose of anti depressants for about a year when his Grandad died). She says similar about me (I suffer with severe anxiety and other mental health issues.)

I really just don't see her problem. I don't see why she isn't just thankful that she has two health adult sons with 4 healthy dc of their own, neither of them have ever been in any legal trouble, they've never had to deal with any kind of bad behaviour even when they were teenagers and she goes on like OH is the worst person around its just pathetic.

She does far worse to me but I'm not really bothered about that because I'll just ignore her but now she's moved on to this I'm not gonna sit and watch it happen.

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