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Adult niece and nephew fallout, who is BU me or Dsis

(133 Posts)
rabbit12345 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:29:05

Just really want everyone's take on this as not sure if I have been U or not.

Nephew just gone off to uni. I text him two days before he went wishing him good luck. I then text him a week and a half later to see if he was enjoying it and he ignored me and then I saw he had deleted me from FB. Today I learn that he is very upset with this as he was waiting to hear from me on the day he went. I do not have an excuse why I did not call. We were supposed to be giving him a lift but then he said he had made other plans and we said ok have a good luck and have a great time so in my head I had already wished him luck.

I am mortified and had I known he as waiting for my call then of course I would have contacted him. i would never intentionally hurt him. The fact is I do not really see much of him and he never texts me or anything like that. When we go round he stays up in his room. When he comes to me for family events he brings a book. I love him to pieces but although we see each other often, we are not close. I have never analysed it, just accepted it and the fact is I never considered that he would be bothered if he heard from me or not at that particular time. Having said that I have always been there when they needed me and I would have liked to think he knew I was always there for him no matter what.

My take on it is this... I have also 6 weeks ago taken a huge step in my life. Nephew didn't contact me and I didn't expect him to. Although I am sorry to hear he is upset I have said that as he is now an adult, going forward I am more than happy to make a bigger effort but it is unfair of him to expect it from me if he is unwilling to do the same. I am not saying he should do the same but just that it is unfair of him to expect me to behave one way when he does not. (bit of background also is that we have repeatedly had the "he is an adult and can make his own choices" remarks from my sister so I have responded to this as I would to any adult with these demands)

My sisters response is that as the aunt I am still the adult in this relationship and that he has every reason to be upset with me. That I should not expect the same from him and I am completely in the wrong here.

So passing to MN jury. What do you think?

Fluffsnuts Mon 03-Oct-16 13:32:20

Eh? He's so upset with you that he's going no contact and causing issues between you and Dsis because you didn't call the day he went off to uni but you had contacted him a couple of days before? Drama lama much?

Mrsemcgregor Mon 03-Oct-16 13:33:19

He is an 18 (at least I guess?) year old guy going to uni and he is getting all upset about his Aunt not calling on the day he went. Wtf? Unless there is some back story here he seems very over sensitive. Especially as you were in touch a few days before and a week or so after. Bizarre.

Arfarfanarf Mon 03-Oct-16 13:34:42

Oh good grief.
Let him get on with it.
He's being silly and your sister instead of supporting the silly boy needs to tell him to grow up!

OccasionalNachos Mon 03-Oct-16 13:35:31

He sounds very dramatic - I don't know many adults who would get upset over something like that. Either it's not the real reason, or not worth bothering about! He sounds quite hard work.

I do agree with your sister in that you are still 'the adult' as such - he must be 18-19ish and you at least a decade older? - but being upset is ridiculous. Step away & leave them to it!

SianiMoomin Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:04

But you did contact him? That all seems like a bizarre overreaction from him...

gleam Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:19

Poor boy.
It's just so darn hard being an adult, isn't it?

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 03-Oct-16 13:36:32

He sounds like an attention seeking twonk. Just ignore the silly boy.

Eva50 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:37:45

I have never, ever sent a txt message to my niece or nephews neither has dsis ever txt my boys. He needs to get a grip.

Soubriquet Mon 03-Oct-16 13:38:09


You wished him luck before he went, you contacted him a week later he is the one with the grudge and your sister is enabling him to be a man child

EdwardBear1920 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:39:05

I think it's about time your nephew learned that the world does not revolve around him.

Pipsqueak11 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:39:17

He sounds a bit needy to put it at its best ! Very odd behaviour

cozietoesie Mon 03-Oct-16 13:39:23

He's being completely daft. I sense something of your sister in this, though.

Amethyst81 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:41:27

You texted him beforehand to wish him luck which nowadays is the more usual form of contact so I don't see why he is upset. I think he is being oversensitive and childish and your sis shouldn't be encouraging this. If I was his mum I would be telling him to stop being silly and you did wish him good luck. I suspect he may be homesick and struggling to adapt to uni which is common and so is using this is a way of expressing that.

rabbit12345 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:41:42

Yes he is 18. I think he felt like he wanted to know people cared but my DP's were on holiday and he is NC with his dad (my dsis ex). I do understand this. but feel he is being unfair for expecting it and sulking when others do not conform. It does not create a balanced adult relationship IMO.

I haven't spoken to him, my dsis and I argued about it today as she is furious I have treated him so badly.

cozietoesie Mon 03-Oct-16 13:44:35

You've treated him 'so badly'? You're his aunt for Goodness sake. Your sister should look to herself.

strawberryblondebint Mon 03-Oct-16 13:45:26

This is weird. You sound like a great aunt. My sisters send presents to my kids and that's it. They never come to visit and only get in touch with me if I start the conversation. There is no relationship there. I have a 17 nephew on my husbands side that I see at family events and send presents for and generally have a laugh with but I don't do any kind of emotional support. If I didn't text him for a few months I doubt her would care or notice. Your sister sounds like an arse and so does your nephew

Soubriquet Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:09

There's worse aunts out there

My sister didn't buy anything for my children for Christmas last year and then avoided us for 3 months to save making up an excuse hmm

I got no thanks for the presents I bought her children either

TheProblemOfSusan Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:20

What a big baby he is. YADNBU, he's being ridiculous.

MissOpheliaBalls Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:28

My guess is he's not upset at all - he had a bloody good time during Freshers and didn't have the time or inclination to text his Aunt, and the reason you've been unfriended on Facebook is because there are some silly (stupid) photos on there that he'd rather you didn't see. You're sister needs to realise her 'little' boy is on his way to being thoughtless arse for the next couple of years as he tries to release himself from her apron strings. He'll turn out just fine (provided he's allowed to get on with it), but don't expect much in the way of family centric conversation for at least the first year !

BertPuttocks Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:43

" my dsis and I argued about it today as she is furious I have treated him so badly."

It's not difficult to see where his need for melodrama might come from.


CarrotVan Mon 03-Oct-16 13:47:59


NoCakeLeft Mon 03-Oct-16 13:48:07

I actually laughed at this. He is being unreasonable. Just leave him to it. He'll get in touch when he needs you.
Also think about not sending him any presents for birthday or Christmas. As I see it he chose to go NC, so wouldn't expect you to anyway. Well, I know I wouldn't.

MatrixReloaded Mon 03-Oct-16 13:48:35

Sounds like it's your sister who's upset, not him.

SparklyUnicornPoo Mon 03-Oct-16 13:48:37

What?! My brother went back to uni a couple of weeks ago, when he started last year I didnt text him til he'd been there about a week, I just assumed he'd busy making friends/getting drunk/settling in. He's not sulking and we are close.

You weren't unreasonable and nephew is massively over reacting!

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