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AIBU Family grrrrrrr

(60 Posts)
graysquirrel Sun 02-Oct-16 21:44:36

So DH's uncle and auntie in law are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next week. We had an invite to a 'doo' to celebrate which we received a few weeks back. We're not able to make it as we have another thing booked with friends (joint get together to celebrate a few 40ths) all of us have LOs so it's a low key but very much looked forward to meet up.
Anyway DH to his admission completely forgot to reply to Auntue/Uncle's invite, but in our lack of response the family have taken that we will be attending and paid for 4 meals upfront for us.

We are at a loss of what you do. Feel really bad that this has happened but a quick text/call to check would have confirmed that we wouldn't be going. DH father (brother of uncle) is giving us huge emotional blackmail that we should go as they've paid alot of money out for us etc. It may seem trivial but this is part of a long list of issues where we get walked over by his family and give in for an easy life.

I have suggested we ring the venue and check if numbers can be adjusted and/or pay them 'back' for our meals even, so we can walk away guilt free. But still I'm angry they have assumed we would be going or want to force us to change our plans, whatever we're seen as the bad people in this and being made to feel like it atm by DH father.

AIBU and does anyone have any advice to fix this?!

DH has bipolar so actively avoids any confrontation to avoid any excess stress which doesn't help.

PonderingLikeAPond Sun 02-Oct-16 21:45:53

God more fool them! Who pays for unconfirmed attendees?

Realhousewivesofshit Sun 02-Oct-16 21:54:53

Wierd why on earth didn't they check with you before paying? Yes your dh should have replied but life is busy
Stick to your guns op.

NightCzar Sun 02-Oct-16 23:41:34

Just go ahead and ring the venue. Then at least you can say you've sorted it (either by cancelling the places and/or organising that they take the price of your 4 meals off the drinks bill/ agree a refund /whatever you manage to sort).

I think you should offer to pay half if a refund can't be arranged. It's crap that they paid up front without checking, but also DH should have replied.

edwinbear Sun 02-Oct-16 23:50:12

I hate people who don't RSVP. For what it's worth I always pay up for kids who don't reply to dc's party invitations, sort them out a party bag, neglect to invite a 'back up' etc and then the original invitee who couldn't be arsed to RSVP doesn't show. It's bloody rude. It would have taken you the same time to RSVP as it would have taken them to text you to check.

Realhousewivesofshit Mon 03-Oct-16 00:10:16

Why do you do that Edwin that's wierd. If no reply just text or phone them and if no joy they ain't coming. No provisions or party bags. Stop being a martyr. smile

edwinbear Mon 03-Oct-16 00:15:07

Because I hate the thought of disappointed little faces when they rock up unannounced. It always seems to me that it's better I'm £20 down, than a 5 yr old who has a rude parent goes without a party bag. Maybe I am too soft.

IMissGrannyW Mon 03-Oct-16 00:15:51

sorry, but it's rude not to RSVP.

Your suggestion to contact the venue holder to see if it can be cancelled is a good one. Paying at least part of it mitigates you to some degree. But I come back to... you were rude not to respond to an invitation. They shouldn't have 'assumed' you'd come, but if you usually do, then it's not unreasonable to think you would again.

Realhousewivesofshit Mon 03-Oct-16 00:18:31

No Edwin just nicer than me grin

DeathStare Mon 03-Oct-16 07:45:00

The reason they paid for you isn't because they assumed you would be going (who would do that?) It was to try to force your hand into going.

Don't be manipulated. Yes you should have replied but in choosing to pay for your meals instead of choosing to phone/text you, they chose to be out of pocket if you couldn't go. Don't pay for their choices.

And they always say about weddings on mumsnet, it's an invitation not a summons. That applies to anniversary parties too. There is nothing wrong at all with declining an invitation. In fact it would be ruder to cancel the prior arrangement

ladymariner Mon 03-Oct-16 08:00:26

Id be annoyed too but id suck it up and go.....a golden wedding is a real milestone whereas you and your friends could always meet up another time. Could you not go to the meal, stay a little while afterwards and then go and meet your friends later?

AyeAmarok Mon 03-Oct-16 08:02:19

I disagree actually and think YABU.

If there was a family event in my family like this, it would be assumed everyone would go unless they explicitly said otherwise.

So I would say you should reimburse them and don't be so rude as to not bother replying in future. Let this be a lesson to you!

turnaroundbrighteyes Mon 03-Oct-16 08:15:40

Considering DH forgot to rsvp why doesnt he go with the kids and you go to the 40th?

Butteredparsn1ps Mon 03-Oct-16 08:18:17

I think the back story is key. Why do you say they have form for walking all over you OP?

If they have paid for the meals to manipulate you in to attending They ABU

If they paid because they genuinely believed you would be attending (lack of RSVP) then afraid YABU

But yes Grrrrr families.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Mon 03-Oct-16 08:26:25

They really should have checked of course but I don't understand why, given you both know they have form, one or other of you didn't make absolutely sure they'd been informed you weren't attending?
I think you have to apologise for the oversight and see what can be done about cancelling and getting the money reimbursed.

Of course you can shrug and say they shouldn't have assumed (and they shouldn't) but that depends whether you and DH feel able to deal with any fall out, bad feeling etc.

Ragwort Mon 03-Oct-16 08:27:17

YABU - totally rude not to reply to a formal invitation and to seemingly not really care about it - a Golden Wedding Anniversary party is a really 'special' occasion and your casual attitude to the event, and the invitation, gives the impression that you are just not bothered. I think you should make the effort to go and forgo the other event planned for the 40th birthdays.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 03-Oct-16 08:31:28


Rude not to rsvp.

StrawberryLime Mon 03-Oct-16 08:32:34

If you knew you couldn't make it and wouldn't be there, you should have let them know.
Yes, they were daft to pay upfront without confirming first, but if you hadn't bothered to tell them you weren't coming then they maybe just assumed you were as they hadn't heard otherwise!
You've got a bit of a cheek really saying "a quick text would have confirmed we weren't going"!
Yes, a quick text would have been all it took for you to say no, sorry can't make it!
It is SO rude when people can't be arsed to reply to party invites. Takes seconds to text "sorry can't make it!"

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Mon 03-Oct-16 08:35:07

Mm. Do you/ does your DH have form for not rsvping promptly I wonder?

I think it's a bit 50/50. If there is any way you can do both even for a couple of hours I would; a golden wedding is a pretty big deal for them. If you really can't then I would be sending them a cheque with an apology in a card to cover at least half the meals, and flowers on the day of the event.

ohtheholidays Mon 03-Oct-16 08:42:45

They should have checked but one of you should have let them know you weren't going!I agree with another poster not letting them know is very rude!

I'd just contact the place and try and cancel your meals and if you can't then pay for them and I'd send a nice card and a present.

2kids2dogsnosense Mon 03-Oct-16 08:42:49

YABU - you should have responded. Okay, they shouldn't have assumed, but this is an important family celebration, and there's no way they should have been left up in the air. What if they hadn't booed the meals and then the four you had swanned up expecting to be fed?

Just wondering if the two of you have a habit of not replying to family RSVPs and then arriving on the day? This would explain why they assumed you were going.

How did the clash of dates emerge? Did you suddenly remember the invitation and get in touch, or did they say "We're looking forward to Uncle Cuthbert and Auntie Drusilla's party on the 19th - it'll be brilliant!" and then you realised to your horror that you wouldn't be there.

Also - which was booked first? 50th wedding do, or the meet-up with friends?

LotsOfShoes Mon 03-Oct-16 08:43:05

To be honest, in my family, if someone was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, it would be assumed that most relatives would come (unless living far away/overseas). You were rude to not respond and in most cases a 50th anniversary beats a get together with friends.
You sound like you don't like them at all though so don't go, making that clear. I can't blame them for being insulted but you don't seem to care that much anyway.

2kids2dogsnosense Mon 03-Oct-16 08:43:32


Sorry - cross-post! grin

londonrach Mon 03-Oct-16 08:48:34

There must be a back story as this family event is a big thing. What else are you doing instead. Yabu not to rsvp. I can see why they thought you were coming as its a big family event. Can you cancel whatever you are doing. If not phone venue and explain. Next time rsvp.

londonrach Mon 03-Oct-16 08:49:49

Im with lots too as in our family unless you say you not coming you are part with such an important event!

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