To think I'm a fruit loop if I tell ASD son's teacher a boy has been mean to him?

(21 Posts)
Usernamealreadyexists Sun 02-Oct-16 20:18:07

Ds is 5 and has ASD. He's had a shit week - not helped by the fact his teacher has bugger all knowledge on autism (despite knowing he has a diagnosis for a year). Anyway, we have a communication book which is causing me so much heartache as I see he gets treated as a naughty child rather than one is struggling.

He hates anyone touching his things. A boy kept touching his key rings and ds ended up hurting his wrist (not acceptable). However, that day the boy has been telling ds his work was wrong, kicked a ball at him and laughed, kicked him at lunch time. Ds didn't respond with hitting each time but I guess he got to a stage where he couldn't cope with the key ring incident. A couple of weeks ago, the same boy pulled him off the slide ladder unprovoked and laughed at him and called him a scaredy cat as he couldn't climb to the top of the frame. I let it go as I assume this stuff between kids happens.

Teacher tells me of every incident ds is involved in yet I get no explanation when he has scratches on his face and neck. Actually, they did say ds fell in the park (hurt his knee badly). Then said a boy had hit him because ds wouldn't stop chasing him and that the boy had been patient with him. Turned out a boy has pushed him (rather than ds falling) which caused him to hurt his knee.

I'm fed up with him getting the blame all the time. How do I deal with this?

Blue2014 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:32:11

Any SEN workers in the school? If not I'd go to the head, it makes me furious when teachers don't make the effort to learn just a little about ASD. It's not that hard to learn the basic.

MaddyHatter Sun 02-Oct-16 20:37:12

if the teacher is being a twat, you go over his head to the school management, the Head Teacher.

Whats going in isn't acceptable, at all, in any way shape or form.

You will not look silly. Stand up for him.

Never ever be afraid of being 'that' parent.
You are your sons one and only advocate.
If you don't stand up for him, who else will?

Usernamealreadyexists Sun 02-Oct-16 21:45:15

Thank you both. Senco is non-existent in substance.
So, ds just told me he repeatedly told his teachers when the boy kept saying his work was wrong. Teacher told him to ignore it.
Head said he was going to get autism training in. It didn't happen. Head has been minimizing his autism by saying it's mild.

TheNoodlesIncident Sun 02-Oct-16 22:21:02

I find it hard to believe in 2016 any class teacher has never had any kind of training in how to support a child with ASD - sounds like they just don't care tbh.

If it was my child, I would looking for another school. There is so much they need to change, and they don't seem interested in doing it. Some schools prefer not to have any children with any SEN and will not provide any support in the hope you will remove your child.

In the meantime, your ds deserves better than this. You will need to get very assertive and as clued up as you can be on what your ds is entitled to, to enable him to access the curriculum. They are failing him drastically and you are clearly aware of how their lack of understanding is having an impact on his well-being and ability to learn. Maddy is right, you will have to be that parent and get feisty...

Fairylea Sun 02-Oct-16 22:29:10

I would look for another school. They don't have the understanding of Sen and asd and they don't want to have the understanding. They all sound dreadful.

Personally I wish everyone would stop talking about "mild" autism as if autism is linear. It's more like a circle with dots of difficulties all over in different degrees. Even some of the children who would have been called low functioning before can have amazing abilities in some areas and very difficult ones in others. Children like my son who is 4 with asd sometimes have great speech and cognitive memory but worse sensory problems and social skills than others considered to be lower down on this mystical spectrum. In our area they have actually stopped diagnosing high and low functioning and now it's all just "asd".

Anyway I digress... But yes I would definitely change schools.

Usernamealreadyexists Sun 02-Oct-16 23:09:56

I just don't know what to do. We decided to send him to a small independent school as I really thought small classes would suit him. He's struggling in a small class. I don't think he'll cope in a large class if I send him to a state one (I have nothing against state schooling btw). It seems impossible to get an EHCP in my borough. I know someone whose son's needs are more intensive and who has all the money in the world to afford the best experts for tribunal - he didn't get the school he wanted.

His teacher is doing whatever she can based on my input but it's sustainable.

I guess you right - they haven't put support in place because they don't care.

Usernamealreadyexists Sun 02-Oct-16 23:22:51

*not sustainable

VioletBam Sun 02-Oct-16 23:23:24

Get him out of there OP. Small independent schools are rarely equipped or interested in their children with ASD or similar. I've been there and seen it first hand.

This sounds dreadful to me....he will be MUCH better off in a state primary with plenty of support and teachers who know what they are doing and care.

ShoeEatingMonster Sun 02-Oct-16 23:47:08

In my experience small independents are rarely equipped with the knowledge or resources for SEN.
Get looking at some local schools. Better to be in a larger class with knowledgeable staff than a small class with those who don't know/care about his needs.

Bellettte Sun 02-Oct-16 23:48:44

I too would agree from experience that he will get far more support in a bigger state school...far better equipped and well informed on ASD imo.....Good Luck...and you really do have to constantly keep on top of every little thing....you are his advocate .Stand up for him and never feel bad for doing it...thanks

Imaginosity Mon 03-Oct-16 07:44:41

My son has ASD and is coping well enough in a class of 30. The school is very understanding and seem to habe lots of experience in dealing with similar children. The school themselves implemented some strategies that had worked with other children with ASD. Then we had an OT go into the school who made a lot of suggestions that would specifically help my DS like movement breaks and pieces of equipment. The school immediately took all of this on board.

We are always told if there are any incidents involving DS - thankfully these are getting rarer and rarer. We feel the school understand that DS is not operating at the same level as the others so while we need to work with the school to sort out the issue, we don't feel like they regard him as 'naughty'.

DS truggles a bit is in the schoolyard as there are so many children but overall it's been positive having him in a big school.

Also, when he's in secondary school I would prefer him to be in with a lot of people as I think it will give him a better chance of meeting people who are like him.

Twirlywoooo Mon 03-Oct-16 08:14:04

My son has ASD, he is very high functioning and is thriving in a very good state school. They have put support in place despite no chance of an EHCP, don't discount a state school because of the class sizes, we've considered independent schools but the ones we looked at had no clue how to support ds1.

I would consider moving your son OP, from my experience you will get more support.

flowers

Dawndonnaagain Mon 03-Oct-16 08:42:40

I put three through the state system. Only one had an EHCP. However, they got the support they needed and all three are at university now.
Oh, I also moved them from their first primary school because it was awful. Nobody cared and nobody was interested.

Usernamealreadyexists Mon 03-Oct-16 11:50:33

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. It is very encouraging to know how well your kids are coping. He is merely being tolerated at the moment.

mrsfuzzy Mon 03-Oct-16 12:29:49

does the head teacher have training in sen or a doctor to be saying your ds's autism is mild ? probably not, my eldest is aspie and was not diagnosed until 12, had a hell of a time with it in school, kept pushing with gp and got referrals for help, read up everything to help understand it and educate myself, ended up telling the so called professionals the problem and what he needed. finally got a statement for him and that really helped with his schooling etc. it can be a hard slog, but stay strong flowers.

myownprivateidaho Mon 03-Oct-16 12:36:15

I know teachers with no special training in ASD. That in itself is not the teacher's fault. I guess I would try to separate out the prejudice issue from the issue of the teacher not being around to see every single incident. From what you say, it sounds like it could be a bit of both. The fact that a teacher doesn't get to the bottom of which five year old started it everytime there's an argument doesn't mean she's not doing her job properly. So I guess it might be better to approach it from the perspective of what you would like to be done, rather than pointing out shortcomings.

FrayedHem Mon 03-Oct-16 12:44:36

I moved my son with ASD from a small state primary (under 100 pupils from YR-YR6) to one double the size. We thought he wouldn't cope in a larger setting, but in fact he gets more space and there are a greater pool of children so more opportunities to make friendships. The small school social side was a disaster tbh.

He was statemented from reception but this didn't stop the school ignoring it and failing DS1. Some schools just aren't willing and despite bringing in all kinds of outside agencies we were, in retrospect, on a hiding to nothing.

Do go and look at some other schools, a supportive one will have the willingness there. A lot of boroughs have reputations that it is impossible to get EHCPs, but if you get informed (look on the mn SN Board, also IPSEAS & SOS:SEN websites are very good) the legalities are pretty clear.

I know how overwhelming it can be and we hesitated too long in moving DS1. But even some email enquiries should give you a feel for the alternatives.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 03-Oct-16 12:49:18

I've had my son in a huge school and a tiny one and, while I like the tiny one for all sorts of reasons, the actual support he got in the bigger school was outstanding. They were warm, welcoming and really, really wanted to help, plus they had tons of experience and great teaching practice too.

The smaller school has helped him socially because it is so much smaller, but it's been a struggle on the support side. They made me feel like he was the only child with ASD in the world...

My general impression of private schools from here is that most of them don't have a clue when it comes to SN (with some honourable exceptions, of course).

LyndaNotLinda Mon 03-Oct-16 13:06:26

My DS was in a state infant school (3 form entry, 30+ kids in each class) and he got absolutely brilliant support. His current junior school is crap.

What you're describing sounds absolutely awful and I would have no hesitation in withdrawing him. Not least because you're paying them a premium to make your DS's life a misery. There are some good private schools which support children with ASD well but they're very rare and IME, tend to be secondary rather than primary.

Usernamealreadyexists Mon 03-Oct-16 13:29:28

Great feedback. You've all spurned me on to change his situation. I am seeking advice from an advocate on to proceed (Fiona Solomonic, who has an amazing reputation) with EHCP and schools, and am looking at a school.

I understand it is hard for the teacher and she can't be present at every incident (there are 2 members of staff for 16 kids) but my son is seen as an instigator. She is taking on board my feedback and trying but she's obviously fed up of him.

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