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To think this is the kind of shit that will grind a person down and kill a marriage

(242 Posts)
hearthattack Sun 02-Oct-16 17:10:53

Sorry for the essay. DH has always been thrifty. I'm into it. We both like a bargain and don't believe in status possessions or having too much Stuff.

Be he is sooooo f-ing tight over buying stuff for our son it drives me insane! angry

I just got back from the supermarket with a warm winter coat that cost a grand total of £9. I was pleased with myself. DH saw the price and made his disapproving 'do we really need that?' face. It's a coat ffs. To keep our 11 month old child warm in the winter. DP has 5 good coats. All of which are excellent quality and were bargain charity shop finds, but still cost more than 9 measly quid.

A few weeks ago we had a massive row about buying DS shoes. I get kids shoes are expensive. But he's walking and needs proper shoes for crying out loud! Right now he's in hand-me-downs a friend gave us. I explained that my mum always said you can't scrimp on kids shoes because you'll damage their tiny feet (my mum died which adds to my frustration because his mum lives just up the road and the way she did everything is the parenting fucking Bible but I have to fight tooth and nail when I disagree and have no mum to back me up). I found some good first shoes in a reputable high street shoe shop beginning with C reduced to £12, and he wouldn't buy them because he thought they were a rip off and DS will out grow them soon.

Until recently I've been a SAHM and so relied on DHs income. I physically had to ask for money to buy stuff, pay bills that were due to come outbid my account etc. I've recently gone back to work part time so can fork out for stuff myself but don't see why I should have to pay for all the clothes/shoes/toys we're going to need for the next 16 years or so .

Mostly it's the principal that really gets my goat . DP thinks nothing of splurging a twenty on a bottle of something nice, petrol to drive out to the country for a walk, anything he deems 'worthy'. But I get The Face for trying to keel our offspring clothes and shod!

(We don't have much money btw, we live pretty frugally in most respects, but we're not in poverty. I perhaps like clothes and nice food more than he does but he spends money on things he enjoys that I think equally facile. But simple pleasures are what life is about and I mostly don't begrudge him. At least I wouldn't if he weren't so judgey about things I don't think are luxuries.)

Who died and made him Keeper of the purse strings?! We've not been married that long and until DS came along had nothing to spend our money on other than ourselves. I find myself shutting down and not bothering to communicate about these things as I'm bored of having the same old rows. AIBU to think this is the kind of stupid shit that lets the rot set in?

Soubriquet Sun 02-Oct-16 17:14:13

No that would drive me mad

Make me think that our child isn't worth it

I agree with you about shoes btw. I won't buy second hand or shoddy made shoes for growing feet

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 02-Oct-16 17:15:44

I think I'd be sitting down for a serious conversation with him. You shouldn't need your mum for back up. You shouldn't need to make a case to buy your child shoes, or a coat. You shouldn't need to ask for money. He sounds incredibly controlling and I'd be explaining that to him and hoping that he was shocked and hasn't meant to treat you and your son like unworthy seconds. That would make him rather thoughtless, which isn't attractive, but at least not controlling and horrid. He's getting damn close to being financially abusive. It's one thing to like a bargain and live frugally. It's another to play mother top trumps to try and avoid buying your son £12 shoes.

Pettywoman Sun 02-Oct-16 17:16:13

You're absolutely right.

PNGirl Sun 02-Oct-16 17:16:27

No, you are not. He sounds very selfish and like he very much mistakenly thinks his money is his money. Which, when you have a wife and child, it is not.

You probably need to have a frank discussion about this and point out that children are 50% his responsibility.

PNGirl Sun 02-Oct-16 17:17:46

Ask him what he thinks that 9 quid would be better spent on?

expatinscotland Sun 02-Oct-16 17:20:12

WTAF? He's mean about his own kid. That would warrant serious change or we'd be through. I'd stop working PT, too.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 02-Oct-16 17:20:14

Was there any sign of his meanness before you had children? Eg if you went out for a meal did he always insist you go halves? Or if he went to the corner shop for milk and you asked him to pick up a bar of chocolate or something did he come back and say you owed him 85p for the chocolate? Etc etc?

Because this is the type of things I'm imagining that he did.

Surely no one becomes that stingy overnight?

He surely knew that children needed providing for?

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 02-Oct-16 17:21:23

I'd also be asking him to buy the next item DC needs, if he's not happy with what you're buying.

missyB1 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:21:32

Sit him down and make it crystal clear that you are not going to put up with his obsessive controlling attitude towards money.

YokoUhOh Sun 02-Oct-16 17:21:33

He needs to read this*OP*:

www.lovemoney.com/news/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

'Preventing a partner spending money on their children'.

Xenadog Sun 02-Oct-16 17:21:56

He is a twat. Next time he buys a bottle of something for £20 get the receipt, take it back to the shop and then head to the shoe shop. Any parent who balks at buying new shoes or coats for their children but has the money to waste on non-essentials for themselves doesn't deserve the title of parent.

I would say the rot has already set in as well.

Lovewineandchocs Sun 02-Oct-16 17:22:14

Jeez he's in for a shock if he thinks £12 is expensive for kids' shoes in "C" store! £30 would be more like it, usually! That would drive me utterly nuts, it's like he begrudges keeping your son clothed and fed. He'd also be in for a hell of a shock if he was in the position of having to pay maintenance assessed by the CMS. If you've had a calm discussion about this (not just rows) and he still refuses to budge, then all you can do is buy your DS stuff from your own income. I'd be inclined to keep separate accounts, not sure if you do. I'd also have a good think about the future-what's he going to be like about school uniform, school trips, after school activities etc? He needs to get a grip, this is his child, not a financial burden and inconvenience! sad

DPotter Sun 02-Oct-16 17:23:32

If he is happy to spend £20 on a" bottle of something nice" (which I presume is wine) but begrudges £9 for a coat and £12 for shoes then I think he has tipped into the abuse category rather than the 'loves a good bargain' category.
Sorry

KatharinaRosalie Sun 02-Oct-16 17:25:42

Wow how miserable! 9 quid, or 12 for shoes - that's as cheap as it gets, has he actually been to any shops recently? Oh, DS will just grow out of them - yes, that's what children do, grow. Does he think your DS should run around naked until he stops growing?

gratesnakes Sun 02-Oct-16 17:26:00

YANBU.
This meanness will kill your love for him. Can you explain that to him?
If not, ask him to start his own thread: "AIBU to think that my wife should not spend 9 pounds on a coat and 12 pounds on shoes".

Tunafishandlions Sun 02-Oct-16 17:26:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinymeteor Sun 02-Oct-16 17:26:14

If this is about general financial control, as others have said that's serious.

If he's a nice but slightly tight man who hasn't yet worked out children cost money, sit down and do a budget. Put an amount aside for DS' clothes and activities each month and adjust as appropriate. At least then you shouldn't be doing raised eyebrows at every transaction, and in setting the budget together he'll have to do some research on what kids' stuff actually costs.

annielostit Sun 02-Oct-16 17:27:10

Not very nice is it. I'd have a fit if it were my oh.
If you get child benefit, put it away and then buy what your child needs from that. See what he thinks about that.

stitchglitched Sun 02-Oct-16 17:28:26

I would be considering my options tbh. Buying a first pair of shoes for a little walker is a lovely and exciting thing to do, and you shouldn't have to justify buying your child a winter coat!

I would also increase my work hours to full time and tell him that he is responsible for half of all childcare costs. Being a SAHM or working PT only works when finances are shared and equal IMO.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 02-Oct-16 17:28:52

I have an OH a bit like this. He seems to think we still live in the 1950's, if we go out for a meal it's a constant litany of 'fucking cunts,' (yes, his language is choice too) 'charging this for this...' as if you could get a steak for twenty p from the corner shop.

Maybe your DP needs showing what things really cost out in the big wide world - does he do much shopping for your DS generally? Or do you do it all? Maybe try telling him that DS needs something (shoes, clothes, some piece of equipment) and that DP needs to buy it because you're a bit short that month. Perhaps a crash course in high street prices might show him that some things just ARE expensive!

MetalMidget Sun 02-Oct-16 17:28:58

He'll spend £20 on something to drink, but begrudges buying decent clothes? :/

I definitely agree with you about the shoes - I always had proper fitted shoes for my stupid narrow feet. I had a friend who had badly fitting shoes as a child (forced to wear ones that were too small) who ended up with bunions by the time she was in her early 20s - possibly a coincidence, but I doubt it!

Keeptrudging Sun 02-Oct-16 17:29:41

Yuck. Not nice behaviour. My DP has never questioned a penny of our money spent on DD for clothes/shoes (and she's not even 'his' DD). Maybe suggest he talks to other friends of his with children and ask them about the cost of children. Giving him (massive) benefit of the doubt, he's possibly just totally naive about these things. However, on face value he sounds like he's controlling.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 02-Oct-16 17:30:12

It's actually really controlling over your finances.

Dh would give his last penny for dds (and me)

BackforGood Sun 02-Oct-16 17:31:26

I agree he's in for a shock if he thinks that's expensive for dcs shoes.
I too like a bargain. I too am well chuffed with my charity shop finds. When our dc were little our budget was extremely tight to say the least but getting well fitting proper shoes for tiny growing feet is important. We were lucky enough to always be given loads and loads of 'hand-me-down' clothes, and also things like wellies, but their 'proper' shoes need to be fitted.

That particular issue aside, you need to have a serious discussion about how your finances are going to work if there is one salary and one SAHP. He needs to see money as 'the family pot'.

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