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Dh gets a break away. My break is...

(112 Posts)
ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 02:32:04

'I'll take our ds away so I can watch (competitive sport Dh likes) and you can stay and have your break at home'.

No. Just no.

For background Dh works hard and we haven't had a break together for a couple of years. Child together of 3.
Since ds was born I have had zero time to myself. Partly because ds was a pain to settle partly because I don't know many people where we live or we have gone away as a family. Family holidays have entailed Dh doing some stuff he enjoys or meeting up with people while I provide childcare. Think caravan holiday type situations where mums used to get stuck doing everything while dad has a break.

He has been away with work on a jolly for a few days recently. Hotel. Meals. Networking. Prior to that he's had time away from ds while I visited family for 3 weeks (not a holiday i know but we moved miles away to his country and me visiting parents is part of the deal).
He's going away again alone leaving me for 5 days so he can see his sport he likes.

I said that this is fine. I've never stopped anything but said I will also be taking a break. I have asked for a weekend on my own somewhere as I'm tired and have had no downtime in three years (sahm) planning to go back to work but need to organise and update cv etc. I have said I'll do this while I'm away.

He has offered instead that he goes on another jaunt to watch this sport but takes our child. So he gets something fun with child and I get my space.

Aibu to think sod off. I don't want to just sit in the house I see every day and clean while he gets another trip and hotel and food etc. And if he's not planning on staying away and just being out of the house for the weekend and bringing our child home each evening then isn't that missing the bloody point entirely?

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 02:38:05

Treat yourself. .to a weekend in your own house...

Lalunya85 Sun 02-Oct-16 02:42:39

YANBU to want to get out of the house. Book yourself a holiday and do what you want to do. Initiate! Don't wait for your dh to come up with ideas... I also don't think updating your CV should be part of the weekend away. You should get separate time for that as it's work related!

At the same time, if you can financially afford it, couldn't you go away somewhere and your dc and dh can go away somewhere else? You can't stop him from planning his weekend with his kid in whichever way he likes (unless it's financially unreasonable). They don't have to suffer so you can have a good time wink

Magstermay Sun 02-Oct-16 02:42:40

I completely understand where you're coming from, YANBU but what's stopping you going away even if they do? I realise he'd still be away too, but you'd be getting a break - it's up to him what he does with DS while you're away?

0hCrepe Sun 02-Oct-16 02:44:47

Why don't you just go where you'd like to go when he takes him? You said you're tired so maybe he thought you'd prefer to be at home. But there's nothing stopping you going anywhere during that time is there?

Newmanwannabe Sun 02-Oct-16 02:45:18

Why do you have to stay and clean though? Stay in bed read books have a bath go to a day spa watch all the trashy tvshows you can't normally watch. Play candy crush on your phone all day.... (last one a joke)

Tell your DH if it's your break you won't be packing a bag or lunch for their days out and there won't be a meal to come home to (unless you want to cook). That you will meet him somewhere for dinner or he can order in takeaway when he gets back.

I'd love a few days all to myself even if it was just 10-5... you can still make it work

BillSykesDog Sun 02-Oct-16 02:49:32

YANBU to want to go away. But I can't see any reason why he shouldn't take DS away as well at the same time.

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:00:57

Apologies. For clarity it wouldn't be financially viable to both go and stay somewhere.
I could care less what they do while I'm away. He can drive to this sport and do that if he chooses. It's no problem. I just resent the fact that he again thinks straight away of himself and what works for him. Which is me petsitting and having my lovely break in our bloody house. I don't want to sit watching TV. I want to be with people who don't talk about kids. I want a nice dinner. I want a restful night's sleep. I deserve the same as he's had.

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:02:34

Yes he can take your DS away. Thats fine.

But you still get your break away too. That is non negotiable.

Do it, and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how he views you and your time. If he is fine about it then great, but if he isnt, and you know he wont be, then that is a problem.

Do you have your own income?

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:03:58

X post.

Then do it.

Do not discuss it. Add up what his time away has cost and take the same.

This is not about a weekend away is it?

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:04:26

He never prepared food or put any provisions in place for his work jaunt and I was in severe pain after minor surgery. He won't do anything to aid my time here while he goes away for 5 days.

I have no access to a car while he's away. Further drip feed. So it's not like I can just go on day trips. Plus. I don't want to. I want an entire weekend elsewhere.

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:06:09

No bogeyface. It's about being the live in nanny. No income yet but will be fixing that very soon.

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:06:43

So you are married to a selfish bastard.

Do you want to stay married to a selfish bastard?

(Hint: They dont change)

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:11:35

Going see what it's like when I return to work.
Then decide. He's in for some surprises put it that way.
We moved here for his work. I'm going to spend a while looking for work and in the very likely event I can't work then I'll put it to him that we move to somewhere we can both work. Like you say. His reaction will tell me all I need to know.

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:23:13

Are you in the UK?

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:31:28

No. Miles from the UK. Which is fine by me but I need support and if he won't provide it I need to find it myself.

Only1scoop Sun 02-Oct-16 03:37:17

Sounds like he thinks you should feel grateful if he chucks you a few scraps of alone time. Get yourself something booked.

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:42:31

I will look now. He has the money so it'll be interesting getting the booking made. Will send him a few now and see his reaction. 😂

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:47:56

What are the laws like where you are? Women get a shitty deal in some areas of the world (well all of them but some are better than others), and you need to protect yourself legally as best you can.

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 03:49:01

Interesting that you say "he has the money".

Do you have completely equal access to all the family income?

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 03:56:55

Laws are fine here. I don't have access as such but he's not abusive it's just easier that way. I just want a nice hotel. A spa. A cocktail. Some peace.

My head is so worn down at the moment. I did have pnd and took antidepressants which I stopped a year ago. I worry I'll slip back into misery again but don't see why I should medicate myself to put up with this crap.

I've don't nothing today as ds has been with dh downstairs. This will be brought up later. That my productivity isn't good enough. I should be doing something useful. Truth is I just have no motivation. I'm sick of myself.

Bogeyface Sun 02-Oct-16 04:03:44

I'm sick of myself.

Why? You are not the problem here.

I would have no motivation either if I was treated as the unpaid help.

Tootsiepops Sun 02-Oct-16 04:18:23

If my husband told me that my productivity wasn't good enough and I should be doing something useful, I'd tell him to go and fuck himself. Wtf? Are you really ok with being spoken to like that?

FabFiveFreddie Sun 02-Oct-16 04:26:09

I'm sick of myself

OP, that's a dreadful and shocking statement, way worse than your original question.

Sick of yourself or of your situation?

I'm glad you have a plan for getting out of this fug, I hope the resolution you need is forthcoming.

FWIW your DH sounds like a prick. Sorry.

ComproMyWayOrTheHighway Sun 02-Oct-16 04:27:21

He hasn't said it. But has mentioned before 'what have you done today' type conversations. Usually I spend weekends clearing up after him. He lets ds pull everything out downstairs in his study/second lounge while he works on his home business start up and I tidy it up Sunday night. Apparently I should be ecstatic he's looking after ds.

I understand he works hard and has a business he's trying to get going. But I was never consulted with regards to the time this would take up. It also means we have zero family time. I wanted help with job applications and asked him to proof read my cv. He ignored my email and never replied. Was more annoyed that I'd locked myself in my room for the weekend completing it.

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